Picking Up the Phone to Have the “Hard” Conversation

I finally told my dad. I told him how I really feel about what I’ve observed from him as my father.

Now let me give you some backstory.

My biological father is deceased. He was killed when I was two years old. I don’t have any memory of him, but I do have pictures and family stories. I hear he was mild-mannered, a true businessman, and very generous. Characteristics that I absolutely embody today ??.

When I turned five, my mom married who I affectionally call “Dad.”? My dad always treated me as his own. He even told people I was his daughter (this was before the term “bonus child” entered the scene. Around this time, you were somebody’s “stepchild” or child ??).

I have fond memories of my dad being an amazing provider and very generous. I remember he would pick up my two friends who had to walk to school, take us all to get breakfast, buy us Lunchables for lunch, and drop us all off just in time for the bell. Almost every day ??.

All of my friends thought my dad was cool, fun, and well-off.

As I got older and experienced my own relationships and learned about the role of men, my feelings toward my dad began to change.

I wanted more than just his provision.

I wanted him to ask about my car. Open my doors. Ask me about how I was doing. Pop up at my job with lunch. Show up to my speaking engagements and award ceremonies (without a constant reminder).??

I wanted my dad to be present.

In 2019, my therapist encouraged me to have a conversation with my dad. And I couldn’t. I could not say in words how I felt. I feared how he’d feel.?

As time went on, I still expressed love to my father, but I was silently losing respect for him.

Until I was on the road this summer, headed to do a keynote in Texas and finally felt ready to tell my dad my truth.

I called him and I said, “I want to ask you some questions and share what’s on my mind.” He replied calmly and said, “Ok, sure. What is it?”

I asked him, “Are you happy?”

He shared his thoughts. And honestly, I was surprised at his response.

I proceeded…

“Your happiness matters to me. And I have not seen you outwardly express joy in a longggg time.”

I told him that I was not proud of the decisions he has made as a husband and father, but I wanted to be.

“I want to be proud that you’re my dad,” I said affirmingly.

I cried as I shared my candid thoughts. Years of compounded frustration were finally leaving my body. It was liberating ??.

We talked for about 15 minutes.

During that conversation, I experienced a side of him that I had never seen. When I felt like I had said everything and that he had shared what he felt, we hung up.

I sighed and whispered to myself, “Thank you.”

I finally had the courage to have the hard conversation with my dad and it wasn't as “hard” as I imagined it would be.

Who in your life, do you need to finally sit down and talk to about something you’ve been holding on to for way too long?

When you’re ready to do so, here are some things to keep in mind:

Be Prepared to Listen: Pay attention to gaps or shifts in conversation. If someone is vague or avoids certain topics, it could indicate that there's something they're uneasy about. Don’t be afraid to share that you notice this shift and gently ask follow-up questions.

Be Prepared to Extend Time: Make sure you have allotted sufficient time to talk. I would allot for 30-45 minutes to really get a deep dive. If this means waiting until you’re in a quite space and can give your undivided attention, do that.

Remember They’re Human, Too: Recognize that the other person has emotions, vulnerabilities, and their own perspective. Approach the conversation with kindness and empathy, acknowledging their humanity, even if the discussion is difficult or uncomfortable.

If you thought of someone as you were reading this, I encourage you to reach out to them this week and have that “hard” conversation.

If your organization could benefit from practical insights and programing around conflict communication, email us at [email protected]. We’d welcome the opportunity to grow the communication skills of your team.