Picking the Best Mentor is Impossible Without This

Making the Best Decisions Possible

By Dr. John C. Mrazek

Last week, during class, we were into a great discussion about decision making. Besides discussing specific techniques, the topic of how others infect (word chosen purposely) your thoughts and decisions came up. Everyone agreed that surrounding yourself with wise people helped you make better decisions. Of course the converse is true (foolish people can help you make bad decisions) and that concerned a few of the students. As we were taking a break, one of the students stopped me and asked about the process of picking good mentors. My quick answer back was that it is impossible to pick a good mentor without self-awareness.

We talked about that for a few more minutes and then I tried to start the break. But the student’s curiosity had been piqued and they wanted to keep going. Since we were a little ahead of the lesson plan I took a few minutes and explained why self-awareness is so important. Ever since Daniel Goldman introduced the concept of emotional intelligence and its 5 domains, self-awareness has crept into our collective consciousness’ and invaded our hiring, assessment, and development processes. I have witnessed many staff members shaking their heads knowingly and mumbling “that person has low self-awareness” when a peer or manager reacted or said the wrong thing publically.

Self-awareness in a nutshell is basically 2 questions:

#1. Are you aware of what is going on inside of you emotionally?

#2. And are you aware of how it is impacting those around you?

The genius of Dr. Goldman is that he realized that people’s internal emotional environment have a huge impact on how they relate to their external worlds. If you are anxious, angry, or fearful on the inside, your external actions will be driven or impacted by those emotions. Some people have no clue about the status of their internal world. This results in actions or statements that are sometime disproportionate or inappropriate for the current situation. People with a high level of self-awareness are very aware and try to control how they react.

The great thing about emotional intelligence that we can grow and improve how we interpret and manage our emotions in all 5 domains. That gives me great hope because I have been the victim of runaway emotions and have reacted inappropriately more times that I care to count. Self-awareness is important to choosing the right mentor because you need to know where your gaps are before you pick someone to help you fill them. A good mentoring relationship will cause you to be unsettled internally at times. If you are not aware of why you are unsettled, your interactions with your mentor may be confusing or frustrating for both of you.

A person with good self-awareness will recognize the areas that they need someone to speak into and seek out the best person to do that. I have frequently watched people fumble through certain types of situations and it left me sad because of the damage they sustained or caused. I have also watched other people navigate incredibly difficult situations with dignity, focus, and wisdom because they had a mentor walking beside them through it. The difference always seemed to be their grasp on what was happening inside of them and how it impacted the people around them. The better they understood their inability to control their inner emotions, the more likely they were to hear and implement the wisdom provided by their mentor.

I believe that the first step in identifying a mentor or mentors begins with taking an honest assessment of our level of self-awareness. Daniel Goldman, and others, have written several books about emotional intelligence that will guide you through the assessment process. Once you have that locked down, then you can begin looking for a person who can help you. Please make sure that you choose someone who has a higher level of self-awareness and life experience then you do. Choosing the wrong person (or persons) can be a real life example of the age old axiom about “the blind leading the blind”.

Millennials are very good at recognizing their need for a mentor. This is because of the way they were coached from a very young age to play sports, the changes in our education system that promotes collaboration, and helicopter parents that gave them continuous feedback. They have also grew up during a season when emotional intelligence was on everyone’s minds. The student that I mentioned earlier (who asked about how to pick a mentor) was a Millennial. No surprise there. But the Xer and Boomer (only 1) students in class also wanted to know the answer because they wanted to make better decisions too. I really appreciate the hunger in Millennials to reach their highest potential and not make mistakes. Mentoring is not new to any of us. But the need to not make mistakes and the velocity of life these days is driving us all to look for new ways to make the best decisions as quickly as possible.

Picking the best mentor is impossible without a fresh and firm grasp on our own self-awareness. If the concept of emotional intelligence is new to you, I recommend starting there. Self-awareness will help you in many areas of life besides knowing what the best mentor will be for you. 2018 could be the year where you start to feel like you are making more good decisions then bad. Life becomes a lot easier to navigate when you surround yourself with wise, experienced people who are willing to invest in you and help you manage your inner world.