"Pick your battles": Fine, but how?

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We often hear advice like:

Do not get into this fight

Why do you want to take stress, let it be.

Do you want to be a rebel?

You don't have to change the world.

And finally...

Pick your battles.

All that is fine.

But no one really tells us:

How on earth should we pick our battles?

Which ones to let go of, which ones to fight?

And, what criteria should we use to decide?

Read on...

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In Indian tradition, Lord Krishna, is also called Ranchor (pronounced run-chhoar).

It means, one who quits the battle field.

Mind you, Krishna is none other than the avatar of Vishnu.

(Brahma-the creator, Vishnu-the preserver, Shiva-the destroyer).

If he really wished to, there was not a being, he could not destroy in a wink.

Yet, he is known to have quit the battle field many times for different reasons.

In other words, he picked his battles.

There are two aspects of "picking battles" that I want to reflect upon.

1. WHY you must pick battles
2. HOW you can pick battles

WHY you must pick your battles

Reason #1: Battles need Energy

Battles are not petty fights. Battle is long haul. You need energy for it.

Be it a change in mindset you want to bring at workplace, some change you wish to bring about in your family, in the society - it needs a lot of energy.

Therefore, the first reason to pick ones battle is to be able to focus all your the energy to those few battles you pick.

In one of my job stints, I had the chance to observe a real-life battle.

A new product had to be established in a culture which was just not geared up for a solution like that. The mindset was deep-seated, that it could not be uprooted at one go, simply with executive orders. But this was necessary for the company to stay relevant given changes in the business enviornment.

It needed a battle to be fought.

The person responsible for setting up that product faced everything from outright protest, to sabotage, to personal attacks. It took 2 years, to change the mindset and get the product established. I was sort of a squadron leader or something in this analogy of the battle, and that gave a me a vantage point to see it unfold, from very close quarters.

One of the things I observed was that the person leading the battle, had to many times overlook smaller attacks to win the final battle. I learnt something valuable.

Sometimes you have to avoid SMALLER fights inside a BIGGER battle you have picked

Reason #2: Battles need armies

The second reason to pick your battle, is that battle needs an army. In real life, it means people rallying behind you, giving you their support, lending their expertise to the cause.

For people to rally behind you, they need to see you clearly committed to one battle. If you are in and out of every battle, and not fully committed to one, people will not have enough trust in you to stand beside you.

Now that we see two important reasons to pick one's battle, let us look at the central question of this article.

HOW you can pick your battles

Criteria #1: Not what angers you, but what you care for

Anger should be the LAST reason to pick any battle.

But often it is the FIRST.

There is a specific reason for this. As I observe, it seems we use anger as a propelling force into something we wouldn't normally do.

We draw strength from anger. Have you observed that anger gives you greater physical strength? You can perhaps lift and throw a much heavier object in a state of great anger. But you might struggle to lift the same object in a normal state of mind.

This is often also true of psychological strength. You may never bother talking to the local authorities about the broken road in front of your house. Everyday you take the approach of avoiding the potholes. One day, your bike gets into it, and your child who was the pillion-rider, breaks his leg. Now, you will have all the driving force to get after whoever was responsible for the road.

We use anger to get us out of inertia, and propel us into action.

We even draw courage from anger. Normally, you would not dare to voice your opinion in front of the company's CEO. In a state of anger, you get all the courage you need to say what you have to say.

Anger has a way to shut down both fear and caution, that drive us under normal circumstances.

Now here is the PROBLEM with picking a battle just because something makes you angry

Remember what we discussed about battles being a long haul. If to make the change you want to, you need a few months, or even a few years - can anger sustain you for so long?

Firstly, it is not possible for human beings to stay in that state of anger for such a long duration. It will literally kill a person physically, with the kind of body chemistry anger generates.

Secondly, if anger was the only reason for you to pick a battle, you will feel foolish the moment your anger subsides. You will start questioning - "why on earth did I get into this?".

The hard question you need to answer, before picking a battle is this:

Will I care to be in this battle even in my happiest, calmest, most serene mood?

If the answer is yes, then you have picked the right battle.

Pick battles about things you care for. It is OKAY if your initial emotion is anger. But make sure, that alone is not propelling you.

People who fight legal battles for years, may have felt angry about an injustice - but what keeps them going for years is that they care for justice. If they relied only on anger, they will stop trying as soon as the anger subsides.

If you want to pick a fight in your office, home, community, country - make sure it for an issue you care for even when you are calm.

Criteria #2: Not because you can WIN, but because the battle NEEDS TO BE FOUGHT, even if you LOSE

The common approach in picking fight is checking:

Can I win it?

This approach is as wrong as it can get for the following reasons:

• Whether you can win or not, is only your imagination

You will never know unless you actually fight.

The world would never know of a story like David and Goliath, if someone had thought:

"I will fight only if I can win."

Goliath probably thought that. See where he ended.

POWER does not make someone win.

Usually we estimate probability of who will win, based on assumptions of power. But power is external. It can disappear. It is also visible - and can be easily assessed. In battle field, the easier someone can gauge you, the more at risk you are. Being big, also makes it easier for someone to aim at you.

Strangely then, MORE POWER actually makes someone MORE VULNERABLE, in front of an enemy you has KEEN observation.

There is another thing, usually untapped, far more powerful than power.

It is called strength.

Strength is internal. It has nothing to do with how much access to resources someone has.

Power comes from resources.

Strength comes from resilience.

There are enough examples in the world, where someone with extraordinary strength, but maybe poor and weak, could win a battle against the most powerful person.

• Only picking battles that you can WIN, makes you a BULLY

The corollary of saying, "I will not fight this, because he is more powerful" is saying, "I will fight this because I am more powerful than this person".

That makes you a BULLY.

So forget about whether you think you can win or not.

The question is how much do I care about this issue?

What does this mean to me?

If you are able to find answers to these, go right ahead.

Once few of my colleagues and I has to pick a battle with people several levels above us in the organization.

Did we know if we would win? No

Did we know if it would harm us later? No

Was the issue something we cared for? Absolutely yes.

It was closely related to our values on ethics and how people should be treated in an organization, and we thought we cared enough to pick up the battle. We felt very angry about things we saw happening. Yet we cared for it even in our most fun state of mind. That was a sure shot sign that we must pick this battle.

So, that is the final thing about picking battles.

We do not pick battles to merely win.

We do not pick battles to merely put someone down.

We pick battles to uphold something we deeply care about.

Picking battles is on ONE HAND about avoiding the ones that are not for you to fight.

ON THE OTHER, it is picking those when it comes to standing up for something.

SOMETIMES, if not anyone else, then standing up for yourselves.

Lord Krishna is said to have tried his best to avoid the epic battle of Mahabharata. He asked for 5 villages from the Kauravas, and promised that the Pandavas would walk away without a fight with just that much. Yet, the battle was meant to be.

So... as things go in life.

Sometime you pick the battles.

Sometimes the battle picks you.

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(Disclaimer: No part of this blog maybe copied or reproduced or reused or republished in any way, except to share either using the share feature of LinkedIn or posting a direct link to this blog - An excerpt from the blog may be quoted while sharing it in the above mentioned manner. Any other form of reuse, must be only after explicit written consent of the author)

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Swati Jena is a writer and entrepreneur. While she writes on a wide variety of subjects, her favorite topics are leadership, culture, artificial intelligence, education and 'self'.

Swati is the founder of GhostWritersWorld (LinkedIn Page)/(website)

Twitter: @swatcat_sj

Her other articles include:

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1. "If Robots will do everything, what will humans do": Why AI Rhetoric deeply worries me
2. "Justice delayed is justice denied": Could AI and Data Science be the answer to India's judicial backlog?
3. Flirt with your product ideas, don't fall in love
4. LOL ... driverless cars for India??: When AI meets Cows, Rajinikanth and Ganpati
5. Love in the time of Artificial Intelligence: Valentine's Day 2030
6. "Who pays the price?": Why PRODUCT INNOVATION without SERVICE EXCELLENCE hurts customers - the ETHICS of product innovation

Leadership and Organization

1. "If you are nothing without the suit, you don't deserve it": 3 cardinal tests for anyone who calls himself leader
2. 3 unforgettable lessons I learnt from an Indian Ed Tech Leader
3. "Oh! You are sensitive": Why sensitive is a TABOO word - and LEADERS should consciously HIRE such people in teams
4. "I love solving problems": The BIG problem with problem solving
5. "So why are you leaving?": Don't treat retention discussions like a ONE TIME date
6. Sophisticated-fear-based-management: 3 unmistakable signs
7. Interns or cheap labor? Making internship count
8. "Travis may be Uber, but Uber cannot be Travis: The curious case of Charismatic leaders"

Diversity and Inclusion

1. "Women can't code because of Biology: 3 reasons it was a BIG MISTAKE for google to fire James Damore (perspectives of a feminist)
2. 3 taboo questions Millennials are asking, leaving hiring managers shocked
3. Why the 'Corporate-style Women's Day Celebrations' gives me the creeps
4. The OOUCH of maternity leaves: Why managers secretly dread it
5. Man or Woman? Who should lead gender diversity? Why we are simply asking the WRONG question.
6. "She has good figure": Why creating a safe place to work takes much more than just sexual harrassment policy

Self-help

1."But I have bills to pay..": Why the PREMISE we build our life on, DECIDES how far we will go..

2. "How is life? Well, going on.": Why you should NOT quit your job, but GRADUATE from it

3.The Monkey Catcher's Lesson: Why we get stuck in our jobs, situations, emotions..

4. "Anger is remembered pain": 3 steps to healing from difficult experiences at workplace

5. "How is life? Well, going on..": Why you should NOT quit your job, but GRADUATE from it

6. A "50-over-50" list: Pressures of adults "growing up" in a world of over-achieving youngsters

7. The (difficult) art of doing nothing and why it matters in a world proud of "busy"

8. 500 Uber rides without driver talking on the phone: My personal starfish story

9. "Here is a muffin that will make you successful": The unspoken truth about success

10. 5 reasons we should "stop fighting" for a cause

11. "You are hiding something": 4 reasons we find it difficult to trust those we love

Education

1. The Yin and Yang of Ed-Tech: Will schools even survive the next 10 years?
2. Why we "grown-ups" are the biggest reason the education system must change urgently
3. "No chair for teacher": Is it time we do away with this regressive and myopic policies