Pick Me! Pick Me! Pick Me!

Years ago, a team member told me that a colleague was like Donkey in the Shrek movies. The colleague kept putting their hand up for projects and asking to share their ideas. They were not physically jumping up and down, but they were certainly wanting to be chosen.

In short, the colleague was annoying. They were annoying because they were crowding others out.

It was also the team member’s way of telling me that I was an enabler of this behaviour – because the colleague was another member of the team.

I was reminded of this in a recent leadership session, where the same people were quickly putting up their hands, or voicing their opinions, and at times repeating a previously stated comment.

The same voices were being heard. And other voices crowded out.

Erin Meyer, noted in ‘No Rule Rules’, co-authored with Netflix co-founder, Reed Hastings, that she had been leading a session when a participant pointed out that she was demonstrating this 'Pick Me!' behaviour – and in so doing, she was failing to follow her own advice.

Meyer had been calling on the first people to raise their hands in a group of leaders from many different cultures. Those first to raise their hands tended to be from the USA.

It was a shock for her to realize that she was advocating for one behaviour and demonstrating the exact opposite – she, who was so culturally sensitive.

But it’s easy to do – as a facilitator or as a leader.

Time is short. Topics to be addressed may be myriad. And you want the energy in the room to remain vibrantly engaged.

As a leader, consistently picking the first to ask, or the loudest voice, or your proven favourites clearly has repercussions.

You don’t get to hear the insights and ideas of the possibly more reflective, possibly less assured voices in the room.

Picking the preferred few for projects means you don’t get to see others in action – and help them scale their skills.

And you don’t get to support the ‘Pick Me!’ petitioners to build their empathy, their ability to read the room, and their opportunity to learn from others.

It’s a difficult but important lesson.

Just because someone isn’t volunteering their thoughts, it doesn’t mean they don’t have any.

And in case you want ideas on how to resist the ‘Pick me’ temptation, here are a few for different situations:

• Ahead of a meeting, share the topics for discussion and emphasize that you are looking for thoughts from everyone.

• At the start of the meeting, reiterate that you are looking forward to hearing from everyone.
• Perhaps share you look forward to learning the perspectives of specific team members (before calling on them).
• Share the question and then seek comments (rather than say the person’s name first and then ask for comments – it provides more time to think about the answer).
• Invite everyone to first reflect on a point and then call on the quieter voices in the room to first share.
• Boost the quieter voices by repeating or highlighting the critical points they make.
• Pause before moving to the next topic and invite any further reflections.
• Partner discussion before whole group discussion. This can boost confidence – and allows you to observe contributions.
• If the quieter voices still don’t contribute, invite post meeting reflections in written form – something you can also do ahead of the meeting on a group channel or direct message.
• Enjoy the silence. After asking for inputs, the sound of silence can be off-putting, but given space, people will eventually speak up.

? Andrea Stone, Stone Leadership

Andrea Stone is an Executive Coach and Educator, supporting global leaders and their teams create greater success, based on a foundation of emotionally intelligent leadership.

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