Physician, Beale thyself

Sunderland is a lot of things. It's home to the seat that is usually first to declare on election night. It's home to the production company that makes the Kardashians. And it's home to my football club.

I'm a fan. I really am fanatical about Sunderland. You wouldn't know it to look at me. I'm a middle class RP-speaking southerner. Except when I got to matches. Then I transform into a foul-mouthed mackem ruffian. "Ha'way man ref you daft..." so-and-so.

We all have that tendency towards emotion and irrationality, to tribalism and spirituality (to differing degrees). There's a small part inside of all of us that doesn't want to reason our way to a logical answer, but instead wants to feel our way towards a collective outpouring of emotions. It's called euphoria. And it feels great. Because hormones.

I like to think my football fanaticism keeps me level in the other things in my life. The Tyne-Wear rivalry makes a fine outlet for my tribalism, so I don't feel particularly tribal about politics, for example. I'm happy to talk to people of all political stripes and hear the merits of their arguments.

But reader, it's all broken down. I had an existential crisis as a Sunderland fan this week.

After a few iffy results and some media comments that massively aggravated the fanbase, Sunderland's Head Coach Michael Beale was sacked on Monday, after just 12 games and 63 days. He's Sunderland's very own Liz Truss.

While most of the fans were delighted to see the back of him, I felt frustrated and despairing.

I immediately started venting in my friends and family fans' WhatsApp group: It makes us look foolish. Like we don't have a plan. Who would want to come and manage this club when they know they can be sacked at the drop of a hat? The Chairman should be thinking rationally, like a businessman. Not just pandering to the fan fury he sees on social media.

And then it dawned on me. The other day I wrote a post on here about how emotional people are about flying, warning that if we fail to respect their emotions as we try to reduce aviation emissions, we'll just make them pissed off at us.

And here I was: trying to take a rational position about something that for me is fundamentally emotional. I wasn't listening to my own advice. Physician, heal thyself.

What was really going on was that I was relating to the guy. He's similar to me in a lot of ways. He's a white middle aged man with a southern English accent. This means I have an unconscious bias towards him. It could just as easily be me in that position. Which is obviously stupid when you say it out loud, but that's how our brains work.

I would hate to be judged on something I'm trying to be good at when I've only just started, so it made me sad to see #BealeOut trending after just a few games in charge. I hated being called names at school, so it made me sad to see the vile and toxic abuse some of the fans were giving the bloke on social media.

On top of that, I was also feeling smug about identifying the unconscious bias and othering that was going on in the fan base. Beale replaced the hugely popular Tony Mowbray from just down the road. While Sunderland have had some superstar southerners on the pitch over the years (like Luke O'Nien, Jermain Defoe, Kevin Ball and Kevin Phillips), those on the business side of the club can't let their football do the talking. They have to let their talking do the talking. And by and large it hasn't gone well for them. Just ask our previous owners Stewart Donald and Charlie Methven. Or our former manager Lee Johnson.

For all I realised the fans were unfairly othering Beale (and I stand by that), I was blind to the fact that I was relating to him.

And that's where the emotional hurt came from, that didn't make sense to me in the moment. Two identities that happily co-exist within me most of the time - Sunderland fan and southerner - were forced into conflict with each other. It threatened my mental status quo so my brain protected me from it.

Now that some time has passed and my head has cleared, I feel like a fan again. I don't want to retread all the Beale stuff - this is my catharsis and my full stop on it. I just want to get back to cheering the team on.

I know most Sunderland fans would find it excruciating to hear me bang on about climate change in my dull southern drawl. But when I head to matches in the red and white stripes, they'll gladly offer me a can on the train.

Ha'way the Lads. Sunderland til I die.