Phoenixes at Work: Breaking the Silence on Domestic Violence at Work

Trigger Warning: This article addresses themes, references, and imagery related to Domestic Abuse (DA), Domestic Violence (DV), and Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) that could be triggering for some readers that have experienced DA, DV, IPV, or have family members or friends who may have experienced these situations. Please take care when reading this article and consider seeking appropriate support from a counsellor, trusted friend, and/or confidential EAP services.

Phoenix refers to a mythical bird from Greek and Egyptian legends that is believed to have “burned itself to ashes on a pyre and rose alive from the ashes to live another period.” To me, Phoenixes signify self-determination and resilience.

If you are wondering whether you have to start worrying about Phoenixes at work besides the rise of Artificial Intelligence (AI), let me clarify that Phoenix is my terminology for the women who have experienced domestic abuse in the past or are currently battling it, and yet they continue to bring their best selves to work.

The traditional terminology of ‘victims’ and ‘survivors’ doesn’t resonate with me.

Unlike AI, the Phoenixes I’m writing about have unfortunately existed in the workplace for the history of work. Somehow, they don't garner the same attention as AI. I hope this article helps highlight the urgency and importance of understanding the experiences of Phoenixes, their impact on work, and how best to support them for their and the organization's success.

My hope from sharing this article

This article invites you to pause, reflect, and, if you feel so moved, take at least one action toward supporting the phoenixes at your work.

I’m writing this article with three categories of goals—personal, professional, and communal.

Personally, I hope to (re)claim my voice by breaking the silence on the prevalence of the experiences of Phoenixes and inviting each employee and all organizations to do better in acknowledging the challenges faced by possibly over 20% of one’s workforce. I also want to share with the network that I have experienced domestic abuse at work in multiple and insidious ways. So, if anyone wants to share their story, consider me an ally. I would be honoured to connect and co-create ways for us to counter the catastrophic impacts of domestic abuse at work. I consider it a vital part of my recovery. I wish I knew someone with lived experience of DA, DV, or IPV at work so I could ask for advice or find comfort in knowing I’m not alone.

Professionally, I wish to use my unique position in the Human Resources (HR) field to highlight the prevalence, challenges, and possible solutions related to women’s experiences of domestic abuse. In so doing, I wish to help HR professionals, policymakers and policy shapers, and leaders with the potential to shape an #inclusive and optimal #employeeexperience for all.

Last, I invite the community to contribute towards disrupting DA, DV, and IPV at work. Each of us has the power to stand up for or at least stand by Phoenixes at work. Together, that power would be exponentially great at expediting this disruption.

Why am I sharing this article on LinkedIn?

A content search on LinkedIn for #domesticabuse, #domesticviolence, and #intimatepartnerviolence leaves one questioning whether this is an uncommon and, perhaps, an irrelevant issue for a ‘professional’ platform.

How would you, as a reader, ascertain the relevance of this phenomenon to work, given that women constitute half of the workforce and, at a minimum, one in four women globally experience domestic abuse in their lifetime?

Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence at work are issues not only important to Phoenixes but also to their coworkers, leaders and employers, all of whom are negatively impacted by the consequences of these unproductive and unsafe experiences.

According to the City of Toronto’s (2017) reporting, “Canadian employers lose $77.9 million annually due to direct and indirect impacts of domestic violence.”

Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence constitute a social and silent epidemic that requires all professionals to care about it and do their part in addressing it in a way that supports and uplifts the Phoenixes and eliminates or reduces the power and impact of the abusers’ tactics.

What is Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, or Intimate Partner Violence?

Domestic Abuse (DA), Domestic Violence (DV) or Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) refers to a “range of unhealthy and destructive behaviours, such as manipulation and coercive control, emotional and financial abuse, physical and sexual violence, even homicide” that injures, isolates, debilitates, harasses, dominates, and/or intimidates a person in the relationship.

The abuse extends to cyberviolence or technology-facilitated intimate partner violence where the abuser uses technology to inflict virtual or direct harm, such as tracking a partner’s location to intimidate, scare, or humiliate a partner and installing software or tools into their partner's phones, cars, computers, homes, etc. to observe and listen to a person with an intent to use that information against the person at a later time.

I don't think any relationship starts abusive. The shift is often gradual and punctuated with abusive acts repaired with apologies or other gestures to demonstrate love and restore trust in the relationship, albeit only temporarily--a pattern typical to the cycle of abuse, which keeps Phoenixes trapped in that cycle.

Research (here and here) has shown how DA, DV, and IPV can lead to several “short-term and long-term effects on the physical and mental health of women and their children,” including “injuries, anxiety, depression…and can [even] lead to death.”

The World Health Organization called it a “global health crisis,” and United Nations declared it a “grave human rights violation.”

As such, organizations must pay attention to these issues and address the needs of those impacted not just because it is the right thing to do but also because it directly impacts employee experience, productivity, performance, safety, and reputation.

Who is the target of DA, DV, and IPV?

Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, and Intimate Partner Violence are equal opportunity phenomena.

They impact all genders, people of all statuses, education levels, socio-economic means, sexual orientations, abilities, countries, places of origin, and races. They can occur during the relationship and even after the relationship has ended.

However, there is a disproportionate impact on women in general and specifically on marginalized women and transgendered people.

Most people don’t report DA/DV/IPV for many reasons, including “living arrangements, financial dependence, and shared children.”

According to the self-reported data of Canadians responding to the 2019 General Social Survey on Canadians’ safety (victimization), eight out of 10 people do not report it to the police; as per one estimate from the UK, it often takes about 50 incidents of abuse before someone considers reporting it to the police.

The burden is especially significant for women of colour, who often experience the added pressure to conceal the abuse because of their multi-faceted identities of representing their ethnic communities.

There are already countless challenges faced by women of colour in the workplace. Acknowledging the domestic abuse experiences may exacerbate their challenges when they make salient parts of their identity that may inadvertently or implicitly add judgments of lack of power and agency for those women.

To add to that cognitive burden, they may be challenged by the fears of how their courage may negatively impact the perceptions or experiences of racialized men, who are frequently and disproportionally accused of criminality, activating the biases about the violent streak of men of colour that is commonly found entrenched in the popular psyche.

What may DA, DV, and IPV look like in the context of work?

The Duluth power and control model summarized the essence of DA, DV, and IPV. Their Power and Control Wheel included common abusive behaviours that Phoenixes may deal with.

Below is a summary list of examples to demonstrate what DA, DV, and IPV could look like in the work context. The themes are presented alphabetically and don’t suggest the frequency or impact of such occurrences.

These events may not occur in isolation and often work concurrently to isolate the Phoenix and compromise the Phoenix’s potential, employability, and trustworthiness to deliver exceptional performance at work.

This list could also be used as signs of DA, DV, and IPV because often one doesn’t even recognize experiencing abuse or may struggle to accept that language and truth, both of which are necessary to seek help and rid oneself of their abusive situation.

Moreover, some people, like me, may have mistakenly thought that only physical and sexual abuse constituted DA, DV, or IPV. Without those, one may not realize they are stuck in a cycle of abuse.

Financial Abuse

• Threatening the Phoenix not to work to create financial dependence on the abuser
• Threatening the Phoenix to take jobs that she may not be willing to do to serve the abuser’s needs for financial gains or power or another resource desired or valued by the abuser
• Forcibly joining the bank accounts of the Phoenix, especially where one’s income gets directed to that account
• Redirecting the Phoenix’s money towards his gains with or without her permission or consent

Harassment and Intimidation

• Surveillance of the Phoenix, including stalking, following, and observing her travelling to and from work or at work
• Partnering with the Phoenix’s nemesis at work and fueling actions that would hurt the Phoenix’s standing in her organization
• Threatening Phoenix’s allies at work in hopes of dissuading them from offering help to the Phoenix
• Threatening to damage personal and work property, including laptops, work files, etc.

Physical Abuse

• Physically assaulting the Phoenix, who may have to hide those injuries before showing up to work; injuries may disallow the Phoenix from performing physical labour
• Threatening to hit the Phoenix with their fist or anything else that could have caused injury to the Phoenix
• Breaking things in Phoenix's vicinity or, specifically, breaking her property with the intention to intimidate and threaten to hurt her next if she didn’t comply with the abuser’s wishes

Psychological Abuse

• Constant manipulation for personal gains
• Gaslighting to make Phoenix doubt her sanity, experiences, and beliefs
• Minimizing the Phoenix's experiences or concerns
• Constantly blaming the Phoenix whenever things go wrong
• Threatening to harm oneself or Phoenix's children or pet(s)

Sexual Abuse

• Forcing the Phoenix or subjecting them to unwanted sexual activity without their actual or implied consent
• Causing physical and psychological injuries that disallow the Phoenix to work (absenteeism and presenteeism)
• Resulting in unwanted pregnancies or sexually-transmitted diseases that disable Phoenix from working or working optimally while balancing self-care needs and taking care of her children

Technology-Assisted Abuse

• Bugging the devices of Phoenix (personal phone, work phone, personal computer, work computer, home office, car, etc.) to obtain information relevant to Phoenix’s location, confidential information, sensitive work-related information, etc., that the abuser could later use against the Phoenix
• Using the information obtained through intelligence to compromise work deals, clients, and contracts that could benefit the Phoenix
• Sending anonymized and encrypted emails using private and secure email services, such as Proton Mail, to Phoenix’s workplace, clients, prospective employers, search firms, or other work allies defaming Phoenix with goals to discredit the Phoenix in hopes of dissuading prospective employers or clients from extending the business to the Phoenix or to get the Phoenix’s employment terminated with her current employer
• Intimidating and threatening work allies of the Phoenix either through direct intimidation or by triggering inquiries and hurdles against those allies. Examples may include initiating Freedom of Information (FOI) inquiries against the Phoenix’s allies in the public sector (at least in Canada) in hopes of creating false and negative narratives against them
• Using confidential and sensitive work documents and emailing them to competitors and/or media with the intent to defame and compromise the Phoenix’s integrity and putting the clients or employers at risk, which would dissuade them from further engaging with the Phoenix
• Inventing fictitious narratives of counter-productive work engagements to hurt the Phoenix’s reputation by creating or decontextualizing piece-meal evidence
• Creating deepfakes to tarnish Phoenix’s reputation, frighten and shame her

DV’s impact on the work life of Phoenixes

Can you imagine what it would be like dealing with even one of the occurrences at work noted in the last section besides the violations one's dealing with in their home life?

Research and lived experience demonstrate to me that more often than not, a Phoenix must endure multiple, concurrent sources of abuse. The damages and hurt further compound over time the longer the abuse goes uninterrupted.

Abraham Maslow posited that human beings have five categories of needs; the basic need of safety must be met before a person can aspire to meet other needs of belonging, esteem and self-actualization.

DA, DV, and IPV violate the basic need for safety (physical and psychological). In turn, they threaten the needs of belonging, esteem, and self-actualization that would have followed the need for safety.

Phoenixes must find motivation elsewhere to persevere through the drudgery of the abusive situation without coming undone at work.

That determination to show up and bring their best selves to work while ensuring they don’t draw attention to their despair takes profound emotional labour.

Emotional labour refers to the emotion work we do when we try to “bridge the gap between what we feel and what we ought to feel;” Arlie Russell Hochschild introduced this idea in The Managed Heart, 1983. Although Hochschild talked about this concept in the context of the commercialization of human feelings, it perfectly describes the daily work of Phoenixes, especially at work, to ensure that their contributions don’t get questioned and to avoid attracting unwanted attention.

Although the work is emotional in nature, it creates a profound cognitive burden, which is probably worse for Phoenixes working in the service sector, including nursing, teaching, retail, etc., where they constantly interact with others and must put effort into looking happy and eager to help (surface acting) or making themselves believe that they are happy to be there doing their jobs (deep acting).

Imagine someone having to “fake” pleasant emotions for one shift or day versus someone having to “put on the happy face” every day, across contexts, for days, weeks, months, years or decades.

Research has established strong links between emotional labour and burnout, unless that link could be disrupted with social support and coping.

That's where you come in.

What could you do?

Everyone at work (Phoenixes, Peers, People leaders, and PolicyMakers and Policy shapers) can disrupt domestic violence at work.

Phoenixes

If you identify as a Phoenix at work, I recognize how much you must already be doing--physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't have suggestions of what more you can do.

However, in solidarity, I am sharing a few things I've learned that have helped me thus far:

• Practising Self-Compassion, daily. Forever a goal-in-progress, I am beginning to practice being kind to myself, no matter what.
• Seeking professional help from a trauma-informed therapist. I am grateful to work with an expert who helps me process past and ongoing trauma using talk therapy, and somatic- and emotion-based approaches.
• Committed to Showing Up. I show up for every therapist appointment, every self-made appointment for journaling, learning, working, walking, and playing with my dog and my nephews. Even on the days I doubt I can summon new willpower, I show up because it is aligned with my vision and determination for my future self.
• Protecting myself with boundaries. I don't check my cell phone (emails and messages) before or during client engagements to avoid being thrown off by emergent disruptions. I bolster my focus and attention by removing all sources of noise that could threaten the compartmentalization needed to function optimally during all work hours and days.
• Honing the emotional intelligence skill of using emotions aligned to the desired task. It has been invaluable to identify and practice getting into the optimal emotion to support what I need to accomplish at any given time.
• The hardest is inviting and accepting help from others--family, friends, allies, and random humans. The care, compassion, kindness and practical support offered by them constantly counter the abuse and its consequences.

Peers

People generally hesitate to engage with someone in distress, not because they don't care but because they don't know what's the right thing to say. The contemporary context has debilitated people further for fear of saying the wrong thing and being accused of intentional disrespect.

What if instead of focusing on yourself, you could focus on the Phoenix? While managing your fears and hesitations, what if you could offer to be an ally? Be present? Be an empathetic witness (borrowing Dr. Peter Levine's words). What would that entail? How could you live into that power to unleash your agency to care and show that you care?

There is profound power in perceiving that people care--one's colleagues, leaders, and organization. Their support can be the first step in bolstering the resolve and resilience of Phoenixes.

People Leaders

People leaders are the linchpin to helping organizations successfully execute their grand strategies. They do so through effectively and humanly managing their employees.

With the evolution of how and where work gets performed, there is an enhanced need for people leaders to be empathetic and bold in facilitating respectful and honest conversations with their direct supports to support them individually and appropriately.

Using the MARS model of individual performance, people leaders could invite employees to share their unique situations when they find a typically happy-go-lucky employee suddenly becoming aloof and irascible. Similarly, suppose a top performer from previous years suddenly needs to take more days off work. In that case, it warrants an invitation to explore if the employee needs specific support with whatever may negatively impact their personal lives.

Policymakers and Policy Shapers

Systemic issues such as DA, DV, and IPV require interventions at all levels. So, whether you are a policymaker within an organization creating HR policies or you influence policy development, interpretation, and deployment (policy shapers), I hope to draw your attention to the unique needs and experiences of the Phoenixes in your circle of concern.

A little over a year ago, the Canadian federal government released its National Action Plan (NAP) to shake us out of compliance and asked us to explore how we may be complicit in perpetuating gender-based violence against women. The NAP included recommendations to advancing safe workplaces. Similarly, several provincial governments have launched or are exploring legislative mandates to address and disrupt the prevalence of DA, DV, and IPV at work.

In Ontario, Bill 168 amended the Occupational Health and Safety Act to include domestic violence requiring organizations to protect their employees against domestic violence. Despite the inclusion of these tenets in workplace policies applicable to organizations with ten or more employees, there is a dearth of practical adoption and implementation of the original intention for those policies.

Similarly, there is a gap between the offerings through Employee and Family Assistance Programs and the utilization of those offerings by employees.

Furthermore, two key opportunities could benefit from adopting a lens to support Phoenixes:

1. Flexible Work Policies: As organizations navigate the post-pandemic world of work, I invite the policymakers to consider the risk of forcing a specific approach to flexible schedules. Suppose employees are required to work virtually or off-site for a specific number of days. In that case, it could expose the Phoenixes to a greater threat level with increased exposure to the abuser and increased access to work-related information that the abuser could leverage. Suppose employees could be offered true flexibility in selecting work arrangements that allow them to work optimally. In that case, some Phoenixes may be relieved to work from home without the need to cover up any physical evidence of abuse. In contrast, others may be grateful for the opportunity to seek relief by being away from the abusive situation during work hours by being at work. No employer could know the details of an employee's personal life. But if the intention is to honour employees as adults with agency and the ability to contribute fully to work, let them pick the hours and places that enable them to bring their best selves to work.
2. Employee Leave Policies: A few progressive organizations are beginning to introduce policies around paid 'Mental Health Days.' In contrast, paid sick leave is not offered or available to every employee in Canada. There is a vast chasm between employee leaves available to different factions and between work and life. Yet, the pandemic has clarified that the divide between work and life and the subsequent desire to balance the two was a facade that didn't reflect how humans operate. Work and life outside of work are both parts of one life. Governments and employers who can recognize and honour that integration through meaningful employee leave policies will win the established talent challenges of attracting and retaining top talent.

Media, (Executive) Search Firms, and Others

A quick note to the journalists, media personnel, executive search firm headhunters and recruiters, board members, or anyone receiving unsolicited, discrediting information about Phoenixes, I request that you consider taking the time to process the information you've received diligently.

If you engage with that information and its sender, please exercise the courtesy to inform the Phoenix implicated in it. Don't delete the emails or destroy the packages you receive because they carry critical digital or other identifying information that could help track the abuser. Also, please consider critically evaluating the motives of the sender and the legitimacy of the information shared with you before letting it influence your perceptions and subsequent decisions about Phoenix.

Conclusion

If you made it to the end of the article, thank you for staying with me to engage with the content I considered essential to this conversation.

I'm not a subject matter expert on the issues of Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, and Intimate Partner Violence. But I have been reading and learning to educate myself, but more importantly, to aid my sensemaking and desperately seek validation for my experience. I knew that I wasn't the first or the worst impacted by it, yet I didn't know anyone who had shared a similar lived experience.

I had known about Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence, and Intimate Partner Violence...in theory. I now know just how real and pervasive they are. I've also come to appreciate how they threaten individuals and communities.

I've suffered from it. If you know me, that's one degree of separation.

Who else in your vicinity may be dealing with DA, DV, or IPV?

Borrowing one of their NAP hashtags, I conclude this article by asking #WhatItWillTake for you to stand up for or stand by a Phoenix at work?

The Phoenixes at your work may be counting on you.