Phoenix Burning – Phoenix Rising

In October 2010 I walked into the head office of a well known supermarket in the UK, for the first day in my new role, I thought I had finally made it, the culmination of my career, a director role in a FTSE 30 company.

Frankly I couldn’t believe it, I had spent the last 5 years desperate for my career to get to this, so sitting in that shinny posh head office on my first day I had to pinch myself, I had actually been here many times, you see they were actually a client of mine from a previous role, and I had bought them in on a sponsorship for an awards programme we ran for women in retail.

And I had worked with the group HR Director, over about 18 months, it was an interesting time, as each time I met with him, he”d say, do you want to come and work for me, you should come and work here, you could really make a difference here, for the first couple of times I thought he was just being nice, deep down I still never really believed in myself, after a lifetime of not quite thinking I was good enough and that I would never measure up, I just didn’t think he was serious.

Anyway after a discussion with my husband, I decided that if he says something like this to me again, I would ask him, if he was serious. Sure enough six months later at the end of our meeting he mentioned it again. And indeed he was serious. After some back and forth, negotiating the role and the package, here I was, I had been working to reach these dizzy heights and I had achieved it.

My euphoria was short lived, almost immediately my insecurities set to work, who do you think you are Toni Eastwood, you are not going to be able to do this job, you are never going to be good enough, the impostor syndrome was right there, you will get found out, you know it…

Added to this, I had certainly not envisioned the toxic environment that I had walked into, first the seemingly lovely HR Director that had been sweetness and light as a client, turned out to be an ego maniac, and half his his team, my peers and colleagues, were so hostile, which is why I now use the term Human Remains, for HR!!

That aside, my immediate team of 4 direct reports, told me to my face that they had a bet between them, that I wouldn’t last longer than 3 months – what a welcome.

Lots happened in the actual 18 months that I did last, and it is a long story, but suffice to say that it became untenable. First I thought I could survive the pale, stale white male environment, the not walking the talk, but it was like taking a cold shower everyday.

I had gone there after buying so deeply into the story about their brand and values, and being so passionate about being able to make a difference in the brand new role that had been created and that I was leading,- director of talent.

But the values were not lived out in the head office and among the directors of the business. They did not walk the talk, the command and control methods of management were certainly not what I was aligned to after working for the 20+ years before in truly entrepreneurial environments.

I really loved the teams out in stores, logistics and manufacturing the 100,000 colleagues in the business who really did have the business under their finger nails and in their veins, but it was like working within an abused family.

Bully boy tactics had me feeling like I was back in the school yard again. At first I thought I would just do what they wanted – thinking if they wanted to pay me stupid money and think for me then that’s what I’ll do – but that left me drained and depressed, I soon got to a place where I felt paralysed and was unable to make decisions for fear of getting it wrong or being shouted down.

I had become a shadow of my former self, I was on my knees lacking in confidence and I dreaded going into work and I was completely drained.

Added to this I hadn’t mentioned any of this to my husband, he had been so supportive of my career dreams and had sold up his business for us to relocate for my job, we sold up our house in the south of England and moved to Yorkshire in support of my taking this role. So I dare not tell him how I was really feeling, I felt a failure and I had no idea what to do.

It all came to a head in the Feb, I remember it well, it was Valentine’s Day, and I knew I had to let it go, I knew I couldn’t stay there and do this anymore, it came to a compromise agreement and I walked away from what I had thought was going to be the job of my dreams, the final top role that I would retire from.

It wasn't to be I was totally on the wrong, building. I walked out and went to a coffee shop and sat weeping into a strong black coffee, I had no idea what I was going to do, how was I going to tell Richard, my husband, I felt such a failure, what was I any good at, how was I going to earn money. I had to think, but through the tears and fear I was not getting very far.

Something in me flipped, I knew I had to let go of all the things I didn’t want , the fears, the doubts and start to focus I what I did want. I had to pull myself together, cuffing the tears from my eyes, I reached into my bag, got out a pen and I grabbed the napkin that I had been holding screwed up in my hand, and straighten it out.

I began to write, what am I good at, what do I want and I realised that my whole career had been about helping people, develop their personal and business goals and to give them the skills to start and grow their own business.

I had spent the 15 years prior to that point as a bit of an accidental researcher, looking into the keys to successful people and businesses, publishing research in the early 2000s on the issues and barriers women face in getting into and on in non traditional sectors and in rising up the ranks in the corporate world and in starting and growing small businesses.

This is what I was good at. this is what I always loved, and this is what I wanted.

Right there in that moment I wrote my mission

“to help a million women have the career or business of their dreams’

Right then right there my first company was born and

this remains my vision to this day.

In that moment I went from tear stained face to ecstatic, I was so excited about having the freedom to think and to decide what I wanted – I also knew then that I never wanted to work for anyone else ever again, I wanted my fate to be in my own hands.

This is what I now call my Phoenix Burning and my Phoenix Rising moment, and what I refer to as 'Harry Potter' wisdom, it’s one of the first exercises I do with any of my clients.

So, I am asking you now,:-

• What do you need to let go of, in order to start living your best life?
• What fears , doubts and bad habits?
• What’s getting in your way?
• And what is it that you want to rise from the ashes?

It is such a powerful exercise, you see, no matter what’s going on, in order to allow the light to shine we need to burn and in order to grow we need to shed our skin and to become the diamond we know we are we need to have some pressure.

What I know now, is, that on the other side of any painful time is always something better, and no matter what is thrown at us we will always grow and learn.

Do you finally want to let your light shine, to embrace your age, to make that leap to BEING WHO YOU REALLY KNOW YOU ARE CAPABLE OF BEING?

Now is the time to IGNITE Your Passion, Your Purpose and Your Business - I have opened up 8 New spots on my IGNITE Six week Certificated Programme, starting 26th April.

Work directly with me in a private group and 1-2-1 and I'll help you let go of that self doubt and take your courage back and give you the freedom your truly desire from your life.

Apply for your place here https://bit.ly/IGNITEYourBusiness