PhD Humor - SNL style sketches

During the week of my PhD commencement a few years ago, I wrote screenplays for multiple SNL-style sketches mocking academia from the inside. It was a fun-filled catharsis. I even tried to produce these sketches with film students at the university, but sadly I felt so burned out by the relocation process, that the mini series remained unproduced.

Here are those screenplays - enjoy!

Series 1: The Many Uses of a Dissertation

Dissertation as a Companion

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT - NIGHT

The PhD student sits alone at a candlelit table, holding a glass of wine. Across from her on the table, the dissertation rests as if it were her dinner companion.

PhD STUDENT (raising the glass) Only you know what I've been through...Remember that table 159(b) on page 294? Good times!

She takes a sip, her expression a mix of exhaustion and fondness.

Dissertation as a Truth Extractor

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

A dimly lit room with a single hanging light bulb. An EVIL-LOOKING GUY is tied to a chair, sweat dripping from his brow. The PhD student, now a COP, paces back and forth, holding the dissertation threateningly.

COP (PhD STUDENT) You messed with the wrong nerd! Tell me where the diamonds are, or I'll slowly read my dissertation to you... including the acknowledgments and appendix.

The evil-looking guy's eyes widen in terror.

Dissertation as a pretend fam

INT. FAMILY ROOM - DAY

The PhD student sits on a couch, typing furiously on a laptop. A KID, about seven years old, tugs on her sleeve.

KID Mom, I’m boreeeeedddd.

PhD STUDENT (half-paying attention) Give me 5 minutes to finish writing this. Why don’t you go play with your sister?

The camera pans to a small table where the dissertation "sits," as the pretend-sister, propped up with a red bow tie on top, surrounded by LEGO bricks.

KID (looking directly into the camera) I’m going to need therapy to recover from this questionable parenting.

The kid sighs dramatically and shuffles away.

Dissertation as the 6th love language

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

The PhD student’s HUSBAND enters, holding a small card. The student looks up, curious.

HUSBAND I’ve got something for you.

He hands over the card. She opens it, reading the words "I read your dissertation!" She tears up, overwhelmed with emotion.

PhD STUDENT (emotional) That’s all I ever wanted!

Dissertation as a Bedtime Routine

INT. KID’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

The PhD student sits beside a bed where the KID is tucked in, holding the dissertation like a bedtime storybook.

PhD STUDENT Today we’re going to read a book that took mommy four years to write. Chapter one!

The kid's eyes widen in horror.

KID Nooooooooooo!

She starts reading. As she reads, the kid makes exaggerated snoring sounds as he falls asleep from boredom. The camera zooms out, revealing the entire house, the city, and eventually, the sounds of snoring reverberate across the entire world.

Dissertation as a Voicemail

VOICEMAIL MESSAGE Hi, I’m Dr. Sonia Tiwari. I’m not a medical doctor—I'm the nerdy one with a PhD. So please don’t leave any voicemails about your weird rashes in questionable places. But if you want a publication from me, hit me up on ResearchGate and then remember to cite me, bruh!

Dissertation as a Wildcard

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

A BLIND MAN sits at a table, sipping coffee. The PhD student approaches, holding the dissertation.

PhD STUDENT Hey, here’s a copy of my dissertation.

BLIND MAN (flatly) You do realize that I’m blind, right? This is the only time I’ve been happy to be blind.

PhD STUDENT I know. It’s the Braille edition.

The blind man groans in disbelief as the camera zooms out.

BLIND MAN Nooooooooooo!

FADE OUT.

Series 2: Advertisements for Dissertation-themed products

Ad 1: Fitness DVDs "PhD90x"

INT. GYM - DAY

A MACHO GUY, muscular and wearing glasses, stands in the center of a gym. He’s dressed in gym clothes, holding five thick bound dissertations in each hand as if they were dumbbells.

MACHO GUY (enthusiastically) Welcome to PhD90x! Grab 10 copies of your dissertation and give me 25 reps… AND one… and two… Come on, nerds! You can do it! You three-dimensional dweebs! Don’t give up!

The camera zooms in on the MACHO GUY as he flexes, the dissertations still in his hands. Sweat pours down his face as he continues his intense workout.

MACHO GUY (energized) PhD90x: Because your dissertation shouldn’t just weigh on your mind—it should weigh on your bod too! Yeah PhD90x! X-treme nerd-stress deserves X-treme workout!

FADE OUT.

Ad 2: Perfume "Dissertation"

EXT. FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE - DAY

A beautiful FRENCH ACTRESS with flowing hair stands in the middle of a sunlit field. The wind gently blows through her hair as she holds up a bottle labeled "Dissertation Perfume." The bottle is ornate, with a tiny doctoral tam-shaped cap.

FRENCH VOICEOVER (in romantic tone): "Parfum de Dissertation... ?a sent la sueur, les larmes et les mauvais choix de vie."

SUBTITLES: Dissertation Perfume... Smells of sweat, tears, and poor life choices.

The actress closes her eyes, inhaling the scent with an expression of pure, melancholic joy.

FRENCH ACTRESS (sensually) Dissertation…

FADE OUT.

Ad 3: Hair Color "Dissertress"

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

An ACTRESS with long, flowing grey hair stands in front of a bathroom mirror, holding a shampoo bottle labeled "Dissertress." She flips her hair dramatically, showing off the premature grey strands.

SENSUAL VOICEOVER: Dissertress... hair color for premature graying caused by academic writing.

The camera zooms in on the actress’s face as she smiles confidently, running her fingers through her grey locks.

FADE OUT.

Ad 4: Matchmaking App "Diss Now"

INT. ANIMATION SEQUENCE - DAY

The screen is filled with motion graphics of HUMAN ICONS connecting and matching in a digital network.

VOICEOVER: Diss Now! The world’s first matchmaking service for PhD students! Find the perfect academic friend to diss to, about your dissertation!

The animation shows two human icons connecting, followed by a heart appearing between them. The screen fades to the app’s logo: "Diss Now!"

FADE OUT.

Ad 5: Medical Ad "Dissertitis"

EXT. GARDEN - DAY

Stock footage of PEOPLE gardening, eating salads, and laughing, all while looking content and healthy.

VOICEOVER: Do you suffer from Dissertitis? Call our customer service now to receive a free sympathy card.

The footage shifts to a PhD STUDENT slumped over her desk, surrounded by stacks of books and papers.

VOICEOVER: Symptoms include getting into pointless arguments over meaningless frameworks, frequently jumping into literature review blackholes, not knowing when to start or stop writing, random episodes of brooding in the dark, and staring into the void while trying to recall the purpose of your research.

The screen fades to black with the text "Dissertitis: You're Not Alone."

FADE OUT.

Ad 6: Writing Pills "Dissertatra"

INT. ANIMATION SEQUENCE - DAY

A cheerful STUDENT’s speech bubble pops up with the words: "Passed comps, yay!"

FEMALE VOICEOVER: Are you a PhD student who is done with their coursework and passed their comprehensive exams?

The screen shifts to an animated bottle of "Dissertatra" with a shiny halo background.

FEMALE VOICEOVER: Then it’s time for Dissertatra! The world’s number one dissertation writing pills.

The bottle appears on the left, with icons on the right showing 1000 words a day, self-care, family, and friends.

FEMALE VOICEOVER: One dosage of 1,000 words a day can help you graduate in about a year—with all the time you need for self-care, family, and friends. Wait, that doesn't sound true!?

MALE VOICEOVER: Well, it’s true if you’re a man with no other responsibilities! Hahahahah!

The screen shows a MALE ICON with a gleaming smile, "ting" sound effect on his teeth.

The screen shifts to an animated face with confusion and question marks, followed by a series of humorous side effects.

FEMALE VOICEOVER (2x speed):

Spending less time with data may cause eternal confusion.

Over-analyzing data may cause delays in graduation.

Other side effects include premature graying of hair, coining Ludicrous Acronyms with Meaningless Explanations - like this acronym (L.A.M.E), social awkwardness, and rage-induced burps (Close-up of a mouth trembling, syncs with a burp sound).

The screen returns to the Dissertatra bottle with the shiny halo background.

MALE VOICEOVER: Dissertatra—Start writing, today!

FADE OUT.

Ad 7: Dissertation Procrastination Masterclass "MasterCrass"

INT. OLD PROFESSOR'S STUDY - DAY

An OLD PROFESSOR, with a static camera setup, dressed in a tweed jacket, stands in front of a bookshelf. The setting mirrors a classic MasterClass promo but with the title "MasterCrass" in bold letters.

OLD PROFESSOR (British accent) Hi, I’m Dr. Dweebly. And in this masterclass, I’ll take you through the five steps of masterful procrastination.

He pauses, looking thoughtful.

OLD PROFESSOR The first step is identifying that you are procrastinating. The other four steps... I will come up with... after I record this video.

He leans in closer to the camera.

OLD PROFESSOR I’ve been in the procrastination industry for 50 years now. I started when I was a baby—my mom was in labor for hours because I procrastinated my own birth!

The professor smiles proudly.

OLD PROFESSOR So if you’re ready to become a master procrastinator like me, enroll today!

He suddenly looks puzzled.

OLD PROFESSOR Oh wait, the enrollment website isn’t up yet, because my webmaster is also a procrastinator. But we’ll get there... eventually.

FADE OUT.

Ad 8: Discount Therapy "BitterHelp"

INT. GENERIC OFFICE - DAY

A weary-looking PhD STUDENT stares blankly at a ZOOM CALL screen. The screen shows an UNLICENSED PROFESSIONAL with a bored expression.

VOICEOVER: Are you a broke PhD student who can’t afford actual therapy? Presenting BitterHelp!

The screen splits to show the student looking even more frustrated as the unlicensed professional continues pretending to listen.

VOICEOVER: We offer Zoom calls with unlicensed professionals who are trained to pretend to listen to you.

The screen shows a close-up of the PhD student's wallet with a cobweb.

VOICEOVER: We know that’s not ideal, but remember, we’re the closest thing to therapy you can afford with your shit insurance plan!

The screen fades to a logo: "BitterHelp - Call 1-800-BITTER"

FADE OUT.

Ad 9: The Perfect Gift "Diss Jewelry"

INT. JEWELRY STORE - DAY

A beautiful display of sparkling jewelry is shown under soft, luxurious lighting. The camera pans across the display, revealing various pieces labeled with dissertation-themed charms and tags.

VOICEOVER: This holiday season, buy the best gift for your friend who’s working on their dissertation. Diss jewelry—for those who constantly like to diss about their dissertation.

The camera zooms in on a bracelet with a charm that reads "Every Diss begins with Dissertation."

VOICEOVER: Shop online on dissertation.diss.

FADE OUT.

Ad 10: Diss Support Group

EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT

A disheveled PhD STUDENT, MARVIN, stands under a dim streetlight beside a dumpster. He looks around nervously before addressing the camera.

MARVIN Hi, I’m Marvin. I’m 31 years old. I look older because, well, my dissertation happened.

The screen fades to a flashback of Marvin at his desk, drowning in papers and books.

MARVIN (V.O.): I started with a simple research question but quickly sank deep into the black hole of the literature review. By the end of the review, I knew something about everything, but not enough to write everything about something.

The screen returns to Marvin, now looking more disheveled and defeated.

MARVIN By the time I designed a study, collected data, and analyzed it, I didn’t know who I was anymore.

He gestures to a small group of similarly disheveled PhD students huddled around the dumpster.

MARVIN If you or your loved one has suddenly aged because of their dissertation, join our support group every Saturday night at 7 pm—because let’s face it, if you are a PhD student, you don’t have anything better to do over the weekend anyway.

The camera zooms in on a makeshift sign taped to the dumpster: "Diss Support Group—Meet Here Every 5th Tuesday."

MARVIN And remember, we meet by the second dumpster on 4th street. It’s the only place where the smell of rotting garbage won’t distract us from the smell of our decaying souls.

The other students nod solemnly in agreement as Marvin gives a half-hearted thumbs-up to the camera.

FADE OUT.