Petty isn't Pretty

Petty behavior is a bad look that says things about who you are that aren't terribly flattering, and will kill your career in the long run.

You schlepp yourself into the office for a meeting with a manager (your peer) in another department that is supposed to be at 9am, only to find that the email cancelling the meeting landed in your inbox around 8:42am, way too late for you to have changed your plans.

While, yeah, that was a little annoying, the fact is that you're usually in the office by 8:30 most days, so this didn't disrupt your life that much. You make a point for the day, however, of downtalking the manager to anyone who'll listen for not respecting your time.

The following day, you're at the company cafeteria and you notice that there's only one chocolate pudding left. You see that one of the other managers in your department, the one who always LOVES to have chocolate pudding for dessert, has just entered the cafeteria. She was chosen to take the sales trip to Paris, even though you think you would have been a better choice. You take the pudding, even though you're not that into dessert, because you know it will disappoint her that there's no more pudding. You watch gleefully as she pouts over the fact there is no more pudding. You might even make a point of going by her table so she can see that you have pudding.

Later that week, you've been working on a blog post for the internal company newsletter about the widget that you've been shepherding through the product development pipeline. The comms specialist who manages the newsletter makes a couple of last minute edits, mostly because the article is too long. The edits are minimal and don't really impact the thrust of the blog, but you still make a point of dressing her down, saying that she should never have edited something under your byline without your explicit approval. You take a bit of furtive delight in the fact that she is uncomfortable with your feedback.

Auntie hates to have to tell you this, but you are one petty little bitch. Auntie now has some doubts about whether she's okay with you.

Petty is usually defined as being someone who concerns themselves with small, unimportant things, and usually is thin-skinned about relatively minor slights.

Lately, petty seems to be enjoying a moment in the sun. Auntie has seen t-shirts that announce "Pray for me, I'm petty." That signals to me the idea that people know that being petty is...well....petty. But that they secretly enjoy the idea of it. That's why they wear a t-shirt like a warning label. They're going to choose to be petty, even if they know you won't like it. And they're trying to pretend that it's cute.

Auntie is here to tell you: it's not cute.

Why do people choose to be petty? What is there to enjoy about it? The answer seems to be that it gives people a sense of power and control and importance. No matter what else may be going on in your life, whatever big and significant trials you may be facing, or injustices that you may being subjected to, extracting this one little piece of retribution or payback for yourself feels good. It may not solve anything in the long run. It may even in the end create more problems than it solves, but it feels good to be able to get SOMETHING to go your way, or go against someone who has importuned you. We all love a little bit of revenge -- why else are the Real Housewives and telenovelas so popular?

But Auntie wants you to know, that in the workplace and in life, there's nothing cute or harmless about being petty. It's ultimately going to hurt you more than anyone else. Here's why:

When i see petty behavior, it tells me that I can't take you at your word. Y'all should already know by now that Auntie does not do subtext. If you have a problem with something I did, tell me. If you are feeling some kind of way and it's impacting our relationship, leaving me in the dark about it and then blaming me because I haven't figured it out is bullshit.

Pettiness mines that same territory, because you're making a choice to extract some kind of minor revenge or create some kind of minor fuss as a way to deal with a minor incident, when usually there's something else going on that you're avoiding. What I learn about you from your pettiness is that you are the kind of person who would rather stew in a pool of resentment than be honest with themselves or someone else.

And it means that when I am dealing with you I can never be sure that you've really been forthright with me about what you need or how we can work together. I can never really know that there isn't some issue lurking between us that you haven't unpacked and aren't ready to face, that you'll end up taking out on me by engaging in petty bullshit.

Some people like doing that because they think that by keeping others "on their toes," it puts them in the superior position. They can manipulate others into dancing to their tune by withholding information about their real needs and feelings, keeping people guessing, and moving the goalposts at their whim. If people can't pin them down, that means they are in control.

But that's a very juvenile way to look at it.

Because at some point, a mature person will basically decide they are done playing your game and will opt to disengage entirely. You can't be trusted, you can't be an honest broker, and so people will find a way around you. And moreover, they'll warn others off of you too. In a world where increasingly success is built on people's ability to trust you, and the ability to build relationships, that's a career-killer.

When I see petty behavior, it tells me that you are self-centered.

Auntie is here to remind you that a workplace is a space wherein you are performing tasks and doing stuff for which you are being paid. This is not a hobby you are doing for pleasure (although you might like your job enough to call it pleasurable). This is not a volunteer role where? you are fulfilling some kind of civic-minded impulse. You and your coworkers have an objective to achieve, and at bottom, you get a paycheck because you are putting your effort towards that objective.

We do a lot of things in service of our work objective. We build collaborative relationships with coworkers. We learn how to use certain technologies. Some of us wear particular uniforms and carry certain items like keycards, or laptops or other things that we wouldn't normally have. Our work usually happens at certain hours of the day and we are expected to prioritize being at work during those hours and account for what we're doing with our time when we are not at our workplace at the designated hour.

My point in all this is that when you are "at work" the focus of your time and energy is expected to be that which is your work. The problem with being petty at work is that it is a choice to be distracted by matters of ego, rather than address issues of substance. Pettiness is obsessed with slights and resentments that have little to do with anything at work, and are more about your own sense of what you think you deserve personally.

Pettiness doesn't solve any of your work-related problems, or help you complete any of your work-related tasks. In fact, pettiness deliberately ignores them. Avoiding your feelings or your issues by occupying yourself with minor conflicts that are ancillary to the real problem is a waste of time and energy.

Someone who is more interested in indulging their need for pettiness than in doing their job is putting the needs of their ego ahead of the work they are doing. And while Auntie would never advocate for self-negation in a job, it's important not to forget this is a job, not some kind of personal exercise in ego-feeding. Which brings me to the last thing....

When I see petty behavior, it tells me that you are insecure and lack self-esteem.

The only people who need ego-feeding are people who are ego-hungry. Sit with that for a minute. Pettiness should prompt an inquiry: why is your ego so damned hungry?

A hungry ego demands constant reassurance. A hungry ego will often jump to the conclusion that an action is meant hurtfully, as opposed to presuming good intent. A hungry ego is never satisfied with the praise and accolades it receives. It will second guess the positive reinforcement and then demand more assurances. A hungry ego is never, ever satisfied with itself and therefore can find no satisfaction with anyone else.

We have another name for this: low self-esteem.

Like most starving things, a hungry ego will eat the dust if there is even the remotest chance that doing so will slake the pain of hunger.??

And petty feeds right into that dynamic, because petty offers a cheap quick boost, kind of like a hit of candy. That little thrill you get when you score your petty victory or make your petty comeback feels good for about a nanosecond. Until you realize that you haven't actually solved anything and you are back in that miserable, hungry place that made you want to be petty in the first place.

Petty behavior doesn't create any durable answer to your low self-esteem issue. It just stokes conflict and anxiety, which just makes your ego even hungrier for reassurance.

Petty thoughts, petty actions, petty victories are all bids for control, they represent a desire to take back some dignity after a perceived slight.? Even if the slight was actually meant and not merely perceived, petty still isn't the answer. Because meeting petty behavior in someone else with your own petty response just means you're stooping to their level.

In fact, the fastest way to drive a petty person crazy is to meet their petty behavior with generosity and magnanimity. Because what you are demonstrating in that moment is that you are unbothered by their petty bullshit. Your ego is well-fed, and doesn't need to lash out at others in a hangry outburst. In fact, you are so content with who you are that you can afford to be generous, even to raggedy, hangry little egos like theirs. After all, feeding the hungry is only what we should be doing as good human beings.

And in that moment, the petty person is undone. Their bid for control is ineffective against someone who does not play the game of tit for tat, or who is unwilling to buy into the proposition that their hangry ego is more important than your peace of mind. And your generosity of spirit only makes clear that while they are coming from a place of lack, you are coming from a place of love. Who would you rather be?

No, really. Think about that for a minute. Who would you rather be?

#workplaceauntie out.