Pet Sounds

My dog Rosie, a scrumptious Norwich Terrier, looked at me anxiously. More like fear...wondering if I was about to eat her. Or worse: whether someone else might. She heard the former president and got scared. So did I. The former president's assertions are outright disgusting. We all know that pets should be eaten by their owners, not by complete strangers. Clearly, we're hitting a new low. But I digest...er, digress.

Hearing the former president's debate diatribe caused Rosie to whimper and whine. I sensed many pets across nation joined her. It brought to mind the classic Beach Boys record, Pet Sounds. Ironically, the record contains not a single pet sound, nor even a reference to a pet; although it's entirely possible that one of the songs is actually being sung to a pet ... and a deep desire for a culinary relationship. The song, "God Only Knows" is a loving reflection about an unnamed, mysterious being. At the time (1966), mentioning God in a song was uncommon and risky, so it's not surprising if other words may have been altered to make the song more palatable. Aided by the former president's keen ability to reinterpret history from any distance, imagine if the refrain from the famous song was: "God only knows what I'd EAT without you"? Brian Wilson was clearly writing about a pet...one he was soon about to eat.

Pet Sounds was inspired by Revolver, the Beatles album that included many references to pets. Though no song on Revolver explicitly discusses dining on pets, there are enough references obvious in a casual listen, even if not stoned. The album's first number, "Tax Man," clearly encourages people to eat their pets to avoid the high taxation of ownership, which was excessive in England at the time. However, the next song, "Eleanor Rigby," cautions about "all the lonely people" sated but suddenly pet less. Then, in the very next song ("I'm Only Sleeping"), John Lennon confesses to succumbing to slumber...implying that the pet he'd eaten was more than he could handle and was thus rendered immobile. Like after a python swallows a Volkswagen. Then, only a few songs later, John has regained his appetite. The song "And Your Bird Can Sing" is a warning to a neighbor (supposedly Mick Jagger) that if he doesn't eat his bird, John will. The album's final song, "Tomorrow Never Knows," is an obvious plea to eat one's pets right away (today), lest they escape. Or worse, be eaten by total strangers.

The success of Revolver was only an appetizer compared to the cruise ship buffet of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, which was heavily influenced by Pet Sounds. Unlike the Beach Boys, who seemed to fear getting too close to pets, the Beatles had no such reservations. But the Beatles also knew that times were changing and that the multiple encouragements to pet-eating on Revolver might not play as well on Sgt. Pepper's. Accordingly, the album's most famous song ("Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds") was a bit more vague and ambiguous. Still, it doesn't take a heavy dose of LSD to imagine that Lucy is actually a dog...and is in the sky with olives. Hmmm...delicious.

Later in the album, the boys from Liverpool clearly can no longer restrain themselves. "Good Morning" is a song that opens with a crowing rooster and then ends with a chorus from an entire menagerie of edible pets. All waiting to be eaten for breakfast...the most important meal of the day. After all night recording sessions, by sunrise The Beatles were ravenous.

None of this falls on deaf ears to those of us who live in San Francisco, where there are supposedly more pets than kids (human children). San Francisco is a sanctuary city. We offer pets culinary asylum from marauding gangs who feast on other people's pets. The city famous for the Summer of Love holds onto similar attitudes as it did back in 1967. Lots of vegans and quality grocery stores that sell supposedly non-pet protein. We all love our pets and have chosen to not eat them. It's a deliberate choice, because we love them.

However, San Franciscans are not alone in this sentiment. According the Economist, America as a nation spends more money on its pets than on its children. Last year it was $168 billion...up 50% from 2019. With such a large capital commitment, Americans surely won't let strangers eat their pets. We prefer to eat our own pets, thank you very much. It's no coincidence that my dog Rosie is nicknamed "the Golden Nugget."

Yes, there's obviously a lot of meat on this bone. Some things just can't be made up. And unheard. Thank you, Mr. Former President.

I'm starting to get hungry. Rosie is giving me the side eye. But she needn't worry. Not yet.