Perspective

This week, my sister-in-law, Rachel Permuth, passed away after a two and a half year battle with colon cancer. She left behind a 16 year old son who is the bravest kid I have ever encountered. To say the least, it's been a difficult week.

“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” —Jamie Anderson

For me, old wounds were opened. The memories I had so carefully placed in a box in my mind 16 years ago flooded out causing nightmares, anxiety, and an overall feeling of insecurity. I felt guilty because this was my time to support the ones around me and all I could do was recoil in unease.

No one can tell you how to feel, no one can truly understand... unless you allow them in. There in lies the biggest challenge for me. I simply despise letting people in, particularly when my emotions are raw.

"Unfolding her raw emotions, she found herslef laying down on sheets of insanity. Holding some sins underneath her skin, she found her demons worshiping the moon" ~ Sangie96

So as I face down the barrel of the path ahead, I know healing awaits. For the first time in my life, I don't feel like I am on an island waiting to be rescued. My daughters are bright lights, articulating what's on their mind, asking the questions they need answered, and providing hugs when they can see I am mentally somewhere else.

Rachel showed me how to not give a fuck about what others were thinking. She never believed me when I told her she was the source of this power but that doesn't change the fact that it's the truth. She was the same light for my daughters. For that she holds a special place in my heart and in theirs... whether they see it or not just yet.

Her last days were full of pain, suffering, and things that no one should have to live through. The last thing Rachel said to me, as she was sucumming to her battle to cancer is, "I just want to watch Netflix". A simple, harmless, and beautiful release from her reality.

I write all of this today to say to you... let yourself off the hook for all of those things you feel guilty about. It's not as easy as it sounds, but it is possible. If nothing else, take a mental break and watch Netflix because that's what Rachel would do.

Be well. Love the ones your with and #bethechange you want to see.

#becauseisaidiwould #lifeishard #lifeisbeautiful