[Personal] Toxic Positivity & My Mental Health Journey

TW: Suicide

During my junior year of college I lost 20lbs without trying, couldn't eat anything other than saltine crackers, cried randomly throughout the day, and began to experience panic when I'd sit in lecture halls. It wouldn't be another 2 years before I'd be diagnosed.

I remember sitting in my doctor's office for my yearly physical telling him everything was fine despite all my symptoms. "I was fine," I thought to myself.

I remember laying on the rolled out white paper while he listened to my chest and told me to breathe in and out. I remember feeling like I couldn't take a deep breath. I gasped. I remember feeling the urge to cry and to run. I remember feeling shame and embarrassment. I was 22. I graduated college. I should be happy. I just needed to suck it up and manage myself better. Everyone else was doing fine. Why should I feel bad?

"How are you doing?" He asked as he looked into my eyes. I remember losing it. I cried for 55 minutes and was still crying as I walked back to my car afterwards.

"I think you have depression along with generalized anxiety, agoraphobia, and maybe OCD," he told me over the phone the next day.

I was silent. Stunned. But I listened.

"I'm going to put you on some medication and refer you to talk to someone."

He ended the call by saying, "You'll feel better soon... But, I'll keep checking up on you."

And he did. And I know he saved my life.

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May marks Mental Health Awareness Month and I've decided to share my story because the stigma of mental health issues is not going away. We are losing people to suicide at alarming rates.

The New York Times reported this week that in people aged 10-24, suicide rates,?stable from 2000 to 2007, leaped nearly 60 percent,?according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

This matters because mental health is a topic that makes people uncomfortable. When you face a mental health issue, you are told to "buck up" or "smile through the pain." All of this toxic positivity is often expressed like this:

Just jump to positive thinking and you'll be fine. Sure.

In college I had hundreds of these quotes and images saved to my phone but they didn't help.

Toxic positivity is a response to uncomfortable conversations. You wouldn't tell a cancer patient to "live, laugh, love" so why tell someone with a mental health crisis to do the same?

The big takeaway here is mental health issues become physical issues. Lack of sleep, lack of sustainable food, and lack of motivation are warning signs. Once symptoms are physical, it's only a matter of time before dangerous choices are made. Which is why suicide is seen as option.

I am relieved I did not choose that path and I am grateful my doctor saw signs. I've been on my mental health journey for 11 years and I'm thankful for my team of professionals who have helped me grow as a person.

For the month of May, please consider sharing your own stories around mental health while paying attention to the quotes and images you use. Avoid messages that push positive thinking as a solution. Avoid pandering to seem relatable and instead share solutions, links to professional organizations, and personal stories of courage.

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If you or someone you know needs more information, please visit National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or call 800-273-8255.