Personal Reflections on Father’s Day 2020

Father’s Day feels particularly heavy this year. As I push over 100 days of confinement with two young children, and part of a dual-career couple, I won’t force uplifting words for what is traditionally a happy celebration. Embracing negative emotions is not popular in society. Being vulnerable and sharing struggles are often not perceived as acceptable masculine behaviors. Yet, I am going to do both because one of the key takeaways of this pandemic is that business is deeply personal: we are human beings, not human doings. If we are not able to show up authentically in times of crisis, and lead with compassion, all the pain that so many of us are experiencing will go to waste; and we cannot let that happen.

COVID-19 tore down the illusionary wall that we built between our professional and our personal lives. We work, we parent, we give care, we eat, we grieve, we hurt and laugh, all in the same space, physically disconnected to some of the ones we love; often worried for their livelihoods; at a time of unprecedented uncertainty. I have coped with the first two months of the pandemic by numbing myself in different ways in order to perform my professional duties diligently. During this time, I neglected my physical, emotional, and mental health, the well-being of my children and my duties at home to prioritize work. Eventually, I crashed… hard and I have not been unable to fully recover ever since. This round-the-clock caregiving / working situation has caught up to my entire household and each day has been filled with challenges, bickering and meltdowns from everyone in my home: essentially, we are all mentally and physically exhausted, and I know that many working parents feel the same. I can honesty say that I feel that I fail, both as a professional and as father.

Yet, despite all those real and valid challenges I am tremendously privileged in many ways. My wife and I have been able to sustain our income during this pandemic, which is not the case of the 40 millions of Americans that applied for unemployment in the past three months. I think about all the caregivers who struggle to sustain themselves and their families.

This Father’s Day, my thoughts are with the ones who hurt; and there are many people hurting right now.

As a working father, my thoughts are with the overwhelming amount of people who suffer from burnout, and mental ailments as a result of the pandemic. As a working father, my thoughts are with all the working mothers who are particularly affected by the pandemic; which is particularly heightened for black mothers who are impacted economically and mentally. 

This pandemic has acted as a magnifying glass to pre-existing inequities that exist in society. Studies show that COVID-19 has disproportionally affected communities of color. COVID-19 has magnified the deeply rooted systemic racism that Black and Brown communities face every single day. 2020 has also shown us that Black people are still being lynched in broad daylight in the United States. Now is not the time for sugarcoating or rationalizating, now is the time for empathy, compassion, connection, listening, learning, unlearning, personal responsibility and radical action. As White people, we must take responsibility and be actively anti-racist. As a straight White able man, I fully recognize my privilege of operating in a world that was built for people that look exactly like me. While the nature of my work and my own journey led me to unpack, face and recognize the nature of the unearned advantages that come with my identity, I also recognize that I still have to learn, to humbly listen and to educate myself on the experiences of people that look different than me. 

As a father, my thoughts are with all Black parents who are facing the incredible challenges of raising Black children in America. My heart bleeds to the thought that these kids need to be educated at a very young age on how to operate in the world and how to interact with law enforcement, based on the color of their skin. I highly recommend for all white parents to watch this powerful conversation organized by A Call to Men , about raising Black children amidst racial trauma. My thoughts are with all Black professionals facing the daunting task of continuing work during these highly traumatic times. As explained by Shenequa Golding, in her powerful article entitled: Maintaining Professionalism In The Age of Black Death Is….A Lot.

This quote particularly hit home:

“I don’t know who decided that being professional was loosely defined as being divorced of total humanity, but whoever did they’ve aided, unintentionally maybe, in a unique form of suffocation.”

This is, in my opinion, the most important takeaway of our time for the entire business community and for fathers specifically: the time of leaving your humanity at the door of your workplace is over. Building inclusive culture, is not only a business imperative, it is a human imperative. If you are a leader in your organization, it is your duty to lead with empathy, inclusion and to create an environment that is psychologically safe for your employees to operate. Be gentle and understanding: many of us are going through so much.

As men, and as fathers, we have a unique opportunity and responsibility to build effective gender partnerships with the men and women with work with. We need to build a culture of caring, and create a workplace where we can have uncomfortable conversations and build rich and authentic connections.

This is not a matter of business. This is a moral issue. This is a human issue. Do away with the phrase: this is not personal, this is business. You are not Don Corleone. Keep your heart open in the workplace, and allow others to do the same.

My last thought goes to all the people that lost their dads, specifically during this pandemic, and to police brutality. I know that this week will be particularly challenging for you. I see you. I feel you. I mourn with you.

May your Father’s Day celebration be filled with meaning, gratitude and joy.