Personal
What sense do you make of categorical, definitive statements? For example, ‘This book is excellent.’ ‘That person is annoying.’ Could it be that such truth claims say more about the person making them, perhaps also about the beliefs and values of the cultural worlds they inhabit, than who or what they are referring to? In coaching, what could they reveal about embedded, hidden and often subconscious assumptions, perspectives, constructs, needs, hopes, fears and expectations?
I had a difficult conversation tonight. Some close neighbours have 2 dogs that they leave outside barking and a son that kicks his football against the wall, fence and bins. The noise, the persistent intrusive disturbance, drives me crazy. I tried to tackle it in polite conversation but it ended badly. The neighbour was angry and frustrated with me and slammed the door with a loud bang as the conversation came to an abrupt end. I walked away feeling shaken, disappointed and stressed.
It is easy to imagine the kind of statements we could now be making about each other inwardly and, perhaps, outwardly in conversation with others. ‘That bloke is so inconsiderate!’ ‘That guy is so over-sensitive.’ It’s as if the statements we project convey objective, incontrovertible truths about the other, statements of what-is rather than statements of subjective opinion, of cultural possibility and, at a deeper level, of veiled revelations of how we are feeling and the pain and hurt of unmet need.
I worked with one leader, Richard Marshall, who took this principle very seriously. Every time I or another made a definitive statement, he would challenge us to personalise it. So, for example, ‘This meeting is a waste of time’ would be reframed as something like, ‘I feel frustrated in this meeting and would prefer to do X’. The effect was transformational. It surfaced underlying values and needs and made them explicit. So, is my neighbour unreasonable? I don’t know. I just need peace and quiet.
Finally free to be myself. at Wild wise and free
7 年Hello Nick. Thanks for the post - it's a tricky situation to be in. I think sometimes as good coaches/counsellors/OD people we can almost try too hard outside the professional sphere to be accepting/accommodating of the stances of others, and assume responsibility for our own responses above the call of duty. Sounds like you're cross and that your boundaries have been - almost literally - pushed against !! Might be worth speaking to your local council, some can be quite helpful about neighbour noise. Hope the situation clears up.
Retired; following US politics, HR, IT and other topics
7 年What an annoying situation - made more so, because you can't control it. In your polite conversation with your neighbor, did you personalize your comments, or you use declarative statements?
COO of Emovation transitioning to active retiremen leading the way to speaking and facilitating motivational grit in a hurting world.
7 年The truth in this article should resonate in each and everyone of us." Where i am coming from, therefore...." These are the times when empathy and suspended judgement is needed.For the time being...let it be!
Process Consultant, Facilitator, Trainer and Coach
7 年Hi Nick, sorry about your disturbance. Thanks for the thumbs up as to how we so often look to create a sense of internaland external authority through our objectifying statements, rather than sit with uncertainty. It takes me back to my first ever counselling course and the attempts to support us to recognise the subjective world through the constant reminder to 'use your I statements'. It's a rich subject for me to revisit (lol my first impulse was to omit the 'for me'), I can see so many new contexts that are around for me. I'm thinking of the mental health field, the contrasting paradigms within that, from the 'objective' diagnosis of 'disorders' to the person centred psychologies which attempt to stay present with the subjective nature of our experiences and what is really involved in recognising and picking up our inner authority. I'd love to share this through a couple of FB groups and I'm inspired to bounce of your theme and write about a few of it's applications . Would you be OK with that?