Be the person you expect others to be

Recently I felt I was in a weird place in life. Going out on dates was an exhausting, transactional process and I was getting frustrated about why I was single. In some of my facilitation roles at work, it got annoying when I encountered a wall of silence in some of my meetings and felt annoyed. And both work and life were making me think that something was wrong with me and that I was unlovable or unworthy of anything good.

Frustration and dissatisfaction have led me to pick some habits that I am grateful I pick up. I budgeted to travel to a new country for the first time since the pandemic, I have read a lot of books on self-help and career development, started listening to podcasts and many more things. I even decided to try opening up to a few more people by trying to maintain conversations with strangers who want to pet my dog.

Something I realized I was doing through a lot of my new habits is that I was putting myself out there. I was getting new experiences, which in turn was giving me insights I was learning about myself. I learnt what I valued in relationships (friendships, professional, romantic and any other forms) such as deep conversations, humour, intellect and more. Also, you may value some other things in relationships that are different than mine, and I respect that.

However, what I realized more is that many of the things I expect from others, I don’t always give the same level back to others. For the numerous failed dates, I realized that I subconsciously thought of dates as a transactional interaction, which in turn attracted transactional people I went out with. At work, I sometimes stay silent during others’ meetings, and I realized that many times I act like the audience member which frustrates me when I’m facilitating.

In short, what I learned is?to be the person you expect others to be. I want authentic and chill dates; I am choosing to be my authentic goofy self with intellect and putting that side of me out there. At work, I am deciding to be engaging and attentive as possible and let others speak instead of hogging the spotlight. Even in friendships, I am choosing to be more open about my feelings and even expressing my “Nos” instead of defaulting into flaking or ghosting.

What I am learning is that there will always be bad experiences if you look for them. Sometimes bad experiences can be easier to find even if you are surrounded by oceans of goodness. However, what we can control is how much we individually can contribute to the good and/or bad around us. We can always choose whether we put good or bad out, and we are the only ones who can define what good and bad are.

Expecting good from the world? I recommend choosing to put good out there, even if it is the 1 simple good thing you can do.