Perseverance within Fate

I’m not sure how long it had been since I’d last saw him, when he ripped at the very core of my being. I’d thought I’d seen the last of him, yet even then, I knew this to not be reality. The desolation I’d endured lingered within for several weeks. I’d gone to great lengths to overcome the crushing waves that embodied my emotions since that last encounter. This visit felt like an intrusion in the mending process which required more time. “Why now? Why so soon?” I asked myself even knowing I’d never presume to have the answers. I needed to go to him without the desire to face another life lesson in his stead. The compulsion to join him on each quest was overwhelming my desire to withdraw from myself and disappear within.

I knew instantly he’d test a portion of myself I’d not visited in a long time.

I went to him, determined to not shy away as I had done in previous engagements. His regard manifesting more tempered then previous times, less piercing. His ability to dominate with such a force of personality was ever present in my mind. Along his crest emanated the most beautifully flowing mane. There was a grace to how it fell into place along his withers. He appeared as an artful perfection of strength. I knew instantly he’d test a portion of myself I’d not visited in a long time. Unwillingly, I admitted to myself -- it was time.

As I settled into this journey, it occurred to me this would be anything but settling. He started out much like before, lurching forward with such intensity as if he were trying to get me to lose grip on his reality. I’d refuse though, allowing my stubbornness this small victory in a seemingly helpless battle of wills. The scene passing by remained blurred, yet there were a few details. It appeared as a series of lights streaking past. As his speed increased I began to see patterns forming. These chaotic eddies of self determinations within life’s river were connected to me -- but how?

The desolation that I'd endured before became meaningless in the fullness of a tidal wave of dispiritedness he was immersing me into. I’d hasten to remove myself, lingering on the decisions I’d made throughout a life not yet fulfilled. There were choices confined within my innermost thoughts which haunted my existence. His fierce pace stomped at these considerations with intent, indelibly engraving them upon my soul. Each selection in life created a woodcut, providing an illustration of failures along my path. All creating an immovable blockade to my ability to create a happy existence within the stone walls of crushing defeat.

How could it be that my spirit could become so -- extinguished. Scruples building to such a crescendo as to fill my ears with the ringing of dissidence to every fiber within. The pulverizing blow to my soul altering my identity to the point I couldn’t recognize my own existence. The flash of a mirror would reveal a stranger I’d not desire to know nor comprehend. With the stamp of each hoof, he’d strike at the essence of who I was. Knocking away the individuality I’d come to cherish and scatter its illustrious charm across a millennia of despondency. He’d propelled me towards a crevasse of the deepest depressive state I’d ever encountered. A shadow over my aura so great as to cause it to be completely snuffed out.  

I’d approached this expedition with reluctance to meet his enthusiasm. It became clearer to me why I’d antagonized with this journey so. I caught the apparition in the corner of my eye-- a fleeting idea which flourished into pure anguish. The darkness of this Raven was so complete in my vision, I couldn’t resist the feeling of utter despair. The cacophony of cawing emanating from the foul feathered creature was almost more than I could bear. I felt as though giving in and allowing the demise of my sorrows a chance to become reality would have been a better choice. There was this one aspect keeping me from this task, a glimmering spark deep within the farthest reaches. I’d known this flicker before. Even the smallest of illumination was enough to shake the coldest night from my soul.

If it were a war of wills, this time I’d be the victor, derailing these attempts at dismantling my happiness.

 I’d not known such a deeply rooted melancholy as to cause my desire of satisfying life’s pleasures to undergo such a retreat. I’d found myself within this hollow shell. Damn him. He’d shown me this consequence within my life. I’d fight back with the will of the most grandiose army. If it were a war of wills, this time I’d be the victor, derailing these attempts at dismantling my happiness. He’d help stave off those gaining pleasure at celebrating my failures.It would be I, who dominated perseverance in this time and place. I’d not let them stamp out my fate, forcing an erosion into obsolescence, making me irrelevant to life itself. He’d build my strength to not fade into the night becoming a ghost of the existence I am now.

We’d returned from this excursion, reaching a greater understanding of who we each were and a unity which would never be broken. Him driving me towards a path which had a disastrous end and me fighting back with such abandon I would surmount incredible odds. He’d seemed almost surprised and definitely impressed that I’d been able to find the intestinal fortitude to win. This was not his premonition, nor was it a result of his careful planning. This was the result of an unassailable spirit whose allegiance to surviving against these overwhelming odds would not be denied.

Resilience on a Friesian Called Fate.

Copyright ? 2018 by Michael Kelley

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