Performance based Love from a parent is completely unacceptable!

I would like to share some things that I have been thinking of as of late, mainly of the shortcomings that I have faced myself. Shortcomings as a Father (yes, I have been guilty on occasion), and now Grandfather (although time is on my side to correct this) as my Granddaughter is about to turn 3 years old in December.  

I went back into baseball last year, to play for the Werribee Giants Baseball Club, after being away from the game for almost 20 years. I was welcomed with open arms and the opportunity to coach was swiftly entrusted upon me. At first I didn’t think much of it, after all, I was used to coaching a team from a very early age (I was 12 years old when I started coaching my brother’s T-Ball side) and have played high level baseball going up, representing my state. Whilst my natural flare for coaching was prevalent, my years of working in business (in a sales capacity) have taught me there is more to it than just a play by play role and setting/giving direction. There is power in understanding each team member personally, finding out what their strengths and weaknesses are, and what position they can fill (Hunters vs Farmers). This then got me thinking…how do I apply my business learning to coaching baseball?

I was working with a young junior catcher (being an old catcher, I kind of take more interest in that position), who significantly impacted me. For his privacy, let’s name him Simon. As I write this on my laptop, I am sitting in the Pancake Parlour in Werribee, watching the cars roll by, people chatting, the typical bustle of modern suburban life. I can't help but think about how fast our world moves in the 2016 Australian society. I had written down a few notes in my training journal about Simon and upon deeper reflection of these, I wanted to share a few thoughts. This may even benefit some young players out there who read it as well. I am sharing this to bring awareness to parents and coaches and some context and hopefully peace to young players (or any young athlete) out there who may in fact read this. 

Simon is in his early teens, not very big, in fact kind of scrawny, but a big smile and he had somewhat of a nervous laugh. It was the nervous laugh that stood out the most to me. Now I don't mind smaller catchers and I love seeing a catcher with a big smile, but the nervous laugh is somewhat familiar (especially in young Sales Reps), and one that I often hear. I am always curious as to why? I want to identify if the nervousness is from being with a senior professional/person in a one on one environment or if it is something else (such as inexperience or lack of knowledge, which makes them feels out of their depth – but by stretching them, this is how they grow). Typically, when it is being with a Senior Professional the nervousness goes away quickly and if it is because of something else it usually doesn't go away until I stop, question to uncover the source, and then address it. I'm not always certain as to where the nervousness comes from but my best guess is fear of upsetting an authority figure or perhaps a lack of knowledge. Simon seemed to be the latter. He was very careful not to make a mistake, tip toed around management, showed low confidence, was very apologetic when he did anything that could be considered a mistake, and was extremely hard on himself.

At some point within our training session I stopped, walked up to Simon, knelt down to his eye level, since he was in his squat, and began to speak to him about his life. He was nervous, scared, timid, broken, but he was a good listener. With calm in my voice and strong eye contact, I spoke whilst trying to show him empathy and understanding. I could see and feel the nervousness start to disappear. It was as if he had been holding on to a heavy burden for years and was finally able to relax a little and let something go. As I spoke into Simon tears started to bubble up in his eyes. I could see the pain, the same pain I have experienced playing baseball, playing for someone else's approval, playing not to mess up, playing to impress someone. It is such a heavy burden to carry, and in that moment Simon was able to let some of it go. From that point forward in the training session, he was a totally different kid. His mistakes were almost completely gone. His body language shifted from scared, timid, low self-esteem to a little lighter and I even saw a glimpse of new found confidence. 

I see the same stuff in new Sales staff. I see young Sales staff that come on-board who are quickly broken and hurting. They beat themselves up mentally and emotionally, and I want to bring some awareness to the issue, hopefully helping parents (and Managers, if you read a little between the lines) learn how to better build their kids (or new staff) up. Raising a child (or athlete, or new staff member) is not easy, especially in baseball because the game is filled with so much failure, Major Leaguers are paid millions if they fail with the bat 70% of the time (batting .300+ average), or in a Sales environment as you are having to deal with the constant rejection from customers. 

When parents (or Managers) place too much importance on success (be it athletic or not) they are telling their child/Staff that his/her value is based on his/her performance. Think about that for just a minute... The value they feel as a person… not as an athlete/Sales person but as a human being.  Hmmm, that stuff is powerful, wow! This could serve to hurt the self-image and perceived self-worth of the child (or staff member), hurting their confidence and typically killing it altogether. Which as a result makes a worse athletic/sales performance, and possible dabbling in dangerous or self destructive habits and/or thoughts. It almost always leads to destructive self talk, that is cyclical. Parent/Manager expects too much, kid/staff doesn't deliver, kid/staff gets torn down, kid/staff does worse, kid/staff gets torn down, kid/staff does worse, and on and on. Let’s stop for just a second, I mentioned a couple of sentences ago "perceived self-worth." I want to talk about that for just a minute. I specifically used the word "perceived" because it is a lie. Do all kids usually "perceive" themselves as worthless or of little value? that is simply not true. Whether they are valuable or not, if they perceive themselves as having little value then they will suffer. I believe that our maker created us all as valuable and your child is not different. 

Hmmm, now where was I… oh that’s right... performance based love from a parent is completely unacceptable. Your job as a parent is not to coach and/or critique your child, your job is to provide a healthy atmosphere at home, provide a safe place (physically, emotionally and spiritually) to practice and refine their skills, provide them with good equipment, provide them opportunities, and most of all provide them with endless love. Notice that the word "provide" was mentioned over and over. Not critique, not lecture, not coach, but provide. You, as the parent, are the provider, so be the best provider you can be. Provide them with kindness, love, compassion, encouragement. Avoid criticising or lecturing them about their performance. Avoid being a sideline coach (something I think all of us as parents have been guilty of, to some degree), you should just be their biggest fan. Find joy in watching your child compete, as you only get one chance. Once they grow up it's over! There will be no more junior sports once your child becomes an adult. So Enjoy it right now. Please! instill confidence deep inside them, instill that sense of self-worth into them, fill them with love. If you can do this, you will notice two things:

•  Your enjoyment will improve
• Their performance will improve

Let’s be honest, you're not a baseball expert, and most of the time neither is the coach. So just because you watched years of Major League Baseball games and listen to your child's private instructor doesn't mean you know enough to be coaching them. Now that is not to be an insult, it is just the cold hard reality. Be the best parent you can be, you are the only one who knows your kid the way you do, so you should also know what kind of love they need or is best for them… which by the way, you can provide to them every day for the simple cost of time. 

Let me bring this back into business context for a moment, after all LinkedIn is really a business platform. It is important for all of us as Managers to look deeper into our staff, to gain a better understanding of them the person, their lives, their drives, their motivation, to genuinely connect with them. Our job is to ensure we can coach, guide, mentor and motivate in such a way, as to get them to their peak output performance (much like a baseball or sports coach). To tear away the shackles of doubt, minimise their weaknesses or perhaps try to improve that feeling of self-worth, but most importantly, our job is to build them up to reach their true potential and be a consummate professional. This is becoming more and more difficult with the integration of the different generations of workers, all having to assimilate, and each bringing their own flavour to the business landscape.

Not an easy feat to achieve, but one I hope Managers take seriously in improving themselves, equipping themselves with the right tools required, to help create the next generation of Australian leaders.