Perfectly Imperfect: Your Guide to Managing Perfectionism

Do you find yourself meticulously editing an email for the umpteenth time before you send it, or agonizing over the perfect presentation? If you notice one mistake in something you have produced do you believe the whole thing is ruined and have to start again? If so, these might be some signs of perfectionism, something that has a sneaky way of creeping into all areas of our lives – work, personal goals, relationships and so on.

Often, we may tell ourselves that having high standards is a good thing – and how it is typically associated with success and discipline. But what if I told you that perfectionism isn't the key to success, but rather the handcuffs chaining us to an unattainable standard and actually leaving us feeling worse?

What fuels perfectionism?

For some, perfectionism comes from a fear of failure and you may become hyper-focused on the small details to avoid disappointment or shame. For others, the opposite happens and you end up avoiding tasks because of the fear of not completing them perfectly and thus failing in some way.

Perfectionistic traits may have been modelled to you growing up, with praise limited to exceptional performance and criticism for anything that falls short of key caregiver’s standards. There may be beliefs developed from a young age about imperfection equaling inadequacy or not striving to be the best equals laziness.

If you have low self-esteem or a very loud inner critic, then you may rely heavily on external validation from others to feel worthy, and so striving to be ‘perfect’ can be a way of meeting this need.

The paradoxical nature of perfectionism

We strive to be perfect in order to feel successful but end up working so hard and get so exhausted that we feel anything but successful!

We strive to be perfect to avoid self-criticism but we are only human, and there are only so many hours in the day, so mistakes get made, things get left, standards get missed, so what do we do? End up criticizing ourselves!

We strive to be perfect in order to feel more in control and meticulously prepared. But the world is a chaotic and volatile place, things don’t always go to plan, so what happens…we end up feeling more out of control!

We strive to be perfect to be liked by others but may end up isolating ourselves from them for fear of judgement or rejection should our vulnerabilities or imperfections be ‘exposed.’ So we still don’t know if people like us!

So how can I loosen the grip perfectionism has on me?

1.????? Redefine Success: What does success really mean to you? We will make mistakes whether we like it or not, so is the true meaning of success to be self-aware of these ‘imperfections’ and embrace them whilst committing to growth and development? Is failure part of the human experience?

2.????? Set Realistic Goals: Break tasks into small steps and focus on the progress of each step rather than the end goal. Experiment with delegation and letting go where possible – it will feel terrible at first, but we can learn to ride the wave – letting go of control is the key to feeling more in control! Also, remember to celebrate your successes along the way.

3.????? Challenge Your Critic: Things aren’t as black and white as we think. Where is the grey? What is the “good enough” standard? Pay attention to your self-talk and challenge any overly critical thoughts – what would you say to a friend having that thought? We would probably be a lot more understanding and compassionate towards them rather than telling them they weren’t good enough and must try harder!

4.????? Embrace Imperfection: Make a mistake on purpose. Ok maybe just a small one, that won’t have any serious consequences. If you have been avoiding something because you don’t think you will be good at it – do it. Laugh at what didn’t go well and acknowledge what did and that you tried. Experiment with ‘letting go’ and ‘leaning in’ to imperfections. Take a risk and try something new!

5.????? Set Limits: If you tend to redo things until they are perfect or agonize over details, then set yourself a limit on how much time and energy you are going to devote to it.

6.????? Seek Support: If you notice perfectionism is significantly impacting your wellbeing or your relationships then therapy can be a helpful avenue to explore what is going on, why and how to break the cycle.

Remember that progress, not perfection, is the goal - it's time to embrace the beautifully messy journey of being human!