Perfectly Imperfect: Conquering Imposter Syndrome While Raising Teens

I just spent 16 straight days traveling with my 17-year-old son. Yes, we live together, but we have our own spaces and schedules. We are not together 24/7 like we can be on a trip. Before I continue, let me say that I love my child, but he tests my patience and made me question my parenting at certain points during our trip. Can you imagine? Raising a teenager is hard and can fuel some serious imposter syndrome in parents.

Unlike with younger children, parenting efforts with teenagers may not yield immediate or visible results, leading us to doubt our effectiveness as parents. I am sure there are many ways that this can manifest, but I am going to briefly explore 3, concluding with recommendations for shifting our parental imposter syndrome.

• Teen criticism and boundary-pushing
• Societal pressures around success
• Adolescent development
• Shifting the paradigm?

Teen criticism and boundary-pushing

Teenagers have a great capacity for criticizing our parenting and pushing our boundaries, shaking our confidence in our abilities as parents. Spankings and other forms of corporal punishment are no longer acceptable and today are criminal. Our kids are not under the threat of a pop on the head. On top of that, the teenage years bring rapid changes in behavior, needs, and parent-child relationships. As parents, we may feel out of our depths, especially if we have chosen to raise our children differently from how our parents raised us. Can you say latch-key kid?

Societal pressures around success

There's often significant societal pressure to raise "successful" teenagers, which can intensify feelings of not measuring up. My kid didn’t get into the gifted and talented program or the ridiculously expensive and competitive independent school kindergartens in NYC. He also was a dabbler. He played football, then stopped and started again in high school; baseball then stopped; karate then stopped. You get the gist. For better or worse, his father and I were not the kind of parents who were going to force a sport or activity on him. But it felt like everyone I knew had a kid at Riverdale Country or Fieldston School or a star player on the AAU travel team or a piano savant. Did I make a mistake not being more forceful and making him stick to something? Suffice it to say, my kid is right where he needs to be.

Adolescent Development

The complex nature of teenage development can also lead parents to constantly question their decisions. As teenagers approach adulthood, parents may feel increased pressure to "get it right," amplifying fears of failure associated with imposter syndrome. Kids make so many mistakes – as they should. But with the nature of our digital age, their mistakes can really create lifelong trauma or problems for their futures. I remember saying that my main goal was to prevent my parenting from being so bad that my son would need therapy. It turns out that we all need therapy or will need it at some point. Life is traumatic. Can you say Covid? Social media?

Specific life stages and responsibilities can trigger or intensify imposter syndrome. Recognizing this connection could be helpful for parents struggling with these feelings, potentially leading to better support systems and coping strategies.

Shifting the paradigm

How can we shift our imposter syndrome paradigm around parenting? Honestly the best I can come up with is that we have to follow our own advice. We tell our kids all the time to embrace what makes them unique. We tell our kids that no one is perfect and that they are still learning. Are we not still learning? Even if you have more than one child, the playbook changes for each one.

We must embrace our own imperfections and celebrate resilience – theirs and ours. Model resilient behavior but don't hide the failure. The journey to success and happiness is inherently imperfect. My son has this hang up about me - "We can't all be perfect like you mom!" I constantly tell him that I am far from that. But someway, somehow, he sees me as someone who hardly gets it wrong. And I think I need to be more transparent about my journey to getting things right. It doesn't happen over night.

We must also trust our instincts and focus on our individual relationships with our kids. Leave the door open for discussions about EVERYTHING! It’s hard, but I rather my son ask me anything, than ask some other 17-year-old who knows just as little as he does.

Finally, as needed, seek support - individual therapy, family therapy, group therapy. Do your research and make sure that you find the right person for your family.

Remember, the fact that you're reflecting so deeply on your parenting journey suggests you're far from an imposter - you're a thoughtful, engaged parent navigating one of life's most challenging roles. And every once in a while, they will do something to show you that they really do love you!