Perfectly awful: What is the antidote for an epidemic of perfectionism?

Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life. ~ Anne Lamott

Murry Wilson taught his son perfectionism: "He made us mow the lawn and when we were done he'd say, 'Mow it again...mow it twice...do it right.'" He would hit his son with hands that were open, and sometimes even closed, so that his son grew to fear him and would go to school pretending everyone was his dad, a trick he used to keep himself in line. Murry's son grew up to become a tragic perfectionistic hero and the 24-year-old architect of Pet Sounds that, although released to a lukewarm reception in 1966, today is widely considered to be one of the best albums of all time. But Brian Wilson was unable to savour his accomplishment--the magnitude of his success was accompanied by an equal serving of mental anguish. Psychologist Gordon Flett of York University holds up Brian Wilson as the prime example of how perfectionism gets in the way of sustainable success: Brian Wilson would never come close to topping Pet Sounds and would spend most of the following two decades mired in substance abuse and abuse by those closest to him.

These days, there are a lot of Brian (and Briana) Wilsons. A recent study of thousands of college students found the highest levels of perfectionism ever recorded. There are three types of perfectionism that the study measured: self-oriented (the desire to perfect the self); socially prescribed (the desire to live up to the expectations of others and societal expectations) and other-oriented perfectionism that measures others against perfection and finds them perpetually wanting. From 1989 to 2016, self-oriented perfectionism increased by 10 percent, socially prescribed perfectionism increased by 33 percent and other-oriented perfectionism was up 16 percent.

Socially prescribed perfectionism is the most precarious: we depend on someone else's approval to feel worthy. Social media thrives on socially-prescribed perfectionism.

Let's pause for just a moment to make it perfectly clear what we're talking about. Asher Pacht, former president of the American Psychological Association, objected to the use of the term "normal perfectionism" such as the pursuit of excellence described "I'm perfectly happy with my perfectionism" in which the author rhapsodizes about the joys of being a perfectionist. If you enjoy the process of creating something to the very best of your ability, you're not a perfectionist. A perfectionist is someone who suffers from feelings of inferiority and is chronically dissatisfied no matter how brilliant their work.

Perfectionism is a fa?ade to cover up a sense of worthlessness. Imagine that, rather than admitting to being a perfectionist, your response to the clichéd "What is your biggest weakness?" interview question was, "Deep down I believe I am inadequate, low, mediocre, inferior and despised by others and I try to paper this over by being a perfectionist." Perfectionism is not positive striving, but a continuous inner coercion directed at the self and others. It restricts who you are and who you are capable of becoming because you're trapped inside the control of an idealized image that you will never achieve. A roiling anger bubbles just beneath the surface the perfectionistic person, anger at themselves for never achieving perfection and anger at others for falling short of their perfect expectations.

A rise in perfectionism is the logical response to a society where the markers of success seem to be based on merit but largely have to do with luck, and community support has receded in favour of the power of the individual. As professor Scott Galloway puts it, "We no longer worship at the altar of character and kindness, but of billionaires and innovators" and we are suffering mentally for it. We used to call people who were lowest in social status "unfortunates" acknowledging the role of luck in our lives, now we call them "losers" as if they are personally responsible for their misfortune.

Those who are petrified of being labeled as losers adopt perfectionism as a suit of protective armour to feel safe in the belief that good things will happen and to cope with feelings that there is something wrong with them and they don't fit in, but perfectionism makes us vulnerable to depression, anorexia and suicide ideation. To put it perfectly bluntly, people with higher scores on perfectionism are more likely to die. Perfectionism isn't armour: it's a steel wool sweater that continually reminds us that we're not okay. But there is an antidote. Read on...

Imperfect 5-Minute Recharge

In this exercise you will test your perfectionism and your capacity to be gentle with yourself in small doses by choosing an area in which to intentionally fall a little short. It can't be something that isn't important to you--for example, in my case the kitchen arts, where I repeatedly fall spectacularly short...

but it doesn't really bother me because aspiring pastry chef isn't part of my identity--but it should be something where you feel you suffer because of your punishing standards. For me, easing up at the gym is a more meaningful way to put the breaks on punishing perfectionism and give myself (and my cardiovascular system) a break.

If you're not quite ready to take it easy on yourself, try this 5-minute meditation break with Kristen Neff PhD (you can read more about Kristen Neff below).

Get Fully Charged on Perfectly Defeating Perfectionism

If you're wondering if you're a tortured perfectionist or just a harmless striver, you can take an online perfectionism test to measure your perfectionistic tendencies. Or, if you prefer to approach perfectionism from the opposite direction, you can take an online self-compassion test to determine how self-compassionate you are.

The treatment for severe perfectionism is psychotherapy that delves into the need for acceptance and approval that is rooted in early negative experiences with family and peers. Paul Hewitt PhD of the University of British Columbia is considered an expert in this field and his book Perfectionism will give you insight into the kind of interventions that work, although perfectionists are wily and will often appear to be making progress when they're not. Perfectionists may simply apply their perfectionism to their relationship with their therapist and try to appear as if they're the perfect patient cured of perfectionism.

For garden-variety perfectionism that is painful but doesn't qualify as Brian-Wilson-grade anguish, I highly recommend a daily practice of self-compassion.

Kristen Neff is a self-compassion evangelist and author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. In this two-minute video, she'll give you a couple of quick compassionate tips.

Dr Brené Brown realizes that the core of perfectionism is a fear of shame which is what her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are gets to the core of what perfectionism is--a false idealized self--and replaces it with your true self, a common approach used in psychotherapy.

Those who have a strong sense of love and belonging have the courage to be imperfect. ~ Brené Brown, PhD

Brian Wilson's autobiography I Am Brian Wilson will take you on a perfectionist's journey to hell and back. If you're interested in watching a perfectionist in action, this video of Brian Wilson working on "Wouldn't it be Nice?" from Pet Sounds is fascinating. (In the video, you'll be introduced to a number of male musicians including two accordion players, then a single woman, Carol Kaye on Fender bass. Kaye is considered to be one of the best session bassists of all time, playing on an estimated 10,000 recordings in a career spanning over 50 years. Kaye is a striver, not a tortured perfectionist.)

About the Author: The author is not an extreme perfectionist, but she feels the need to live up to certain random high expectations like having a streak-free floor, packing away suitcases before bedtime when arriving back home after a holiday no matter how late the arrival or climbing a minimum of 409 floors on the stair mill in 60 minutes. Her book The 5-Minute Recharge co-written with workplace mental health thought leader and soul sister Addie Greco-Sanchez of AGS Rehab is available for pre-order on Amazon Canada, Amazon US, Indigo, Barnes & Noble and Indiebound. You can sign-up for our weekly 5-Minute Recharge newsletter that will get you all charged up about your mental, physical and emotional wellbeing at 5minrecharge.com.