A Perfectionist’s Guide to Setting Goals
Vix Anderton, FRSA
Nurturing Resilience for High Achievers and Authentic Leaders | Facilitator | Coach | Mentor | Author | Speaker
“It is good to have an end to journey toward, but it is the journey that matters in the end.” ~ Ursula K. Le Guin
A recent client session got me thinking deeply about goal setting, especially from a perfectionist’s perspective. It struck me how often we struggle to set goals in a way that helps us achieve what we want. We fear failing so much that instead of setting goals that might actually support us, we end up with vague aspirations, focused on things outside our control, and neglecting the crucial aspect of understanding why we want to and how we might achieve these goals.
In this blog post, I’ll explore effective ways for perfectionists to set and achieve goals. I’ll share the key areas where we tend to stumble and discover alternative approaches that can lead to a more fulfilling journey.
Setting Clear Goals
Perfectionists often find themselves caught in the trap of setting vague goals, like “I want to have a successful business”.
My theory is that the reluctance to define clear goals stems from a fear of failing. Because if I’ve been clear about what I’m aiming for and I don’t get there, then I have to deal with all the discomfort that sits in that gap.
So while vague goals might buffer us a little from the pain of failure, “success” as a nebulous concept makes it pretty much impossible to recognise when we’ve truly achieved what we set out to do. This will set you up for goalposts that are always on the move. You’ll always be looking to the next thing to feel fulfilled.
To combat this, I advocate for clearly defining your goals. That might even include metrics, which I know can be scary. Get specific about what success looks and feels like for you. You’ll not only make it more likely you’ll reach those targets, but you also create a framework for celebrating your achievements because you’ll be able to recognise success when you see it.
Clearly defining your goals doesn’t mean setting up a binary definition of success: pass or fail is not your friend. Consider implementing a tiered approach instead. What would the bronze, silver, and gold outcome look like?
What makes this tiered framework beneficial is its inherent flexibility. It establishes a range, ensuring durability at the bottom, granting a palpable sense of success and progress even when aiming for the bronze tier. Simultaneously, it encourages you to dream big by setting a more demanding standard at the silver and gold levels. Crucially, this approach fosters motivation through attainable successes while allowing room for ambition and growth, all without the harsh self-criticism if the highest standard is not met.
Goals Within Your Control
Another pitfall perfectionists often encounter is setting goals that are beyond their control.
While aiming for 10,000 newsletter subscribers or Instagram followers may seem enticing, it takes a lot of your agency and places it in the hands of other people and the algorithm. Whether people follow me or like my content has a lot less to do with me than I’d like to admit. While these aren’t inherently bad goals, the danger is that I put my sense of fulfilment and satisfaction in other people’s hands.
Instead, focus on goals that are within your sphere of influence.
Take writing a book, for instance. While getting it published by a major company or making it a bestseller may be external factors, the act of writing is entirely within your capacity. Empower yourself by concentrating on actions you can control, fostering a sense of agency and self-determination. As for the rest, well, I’m afraid that’s where learning to let go of attachment to the outcome comes in handy.
Understanding Your “Why”
One of the most overlooked aspects of goal setting, particularly for perfectionists, is understanding our underlying motivation. We often chase goals based on external expectations or societal norms — thanks capitalism! We can find ourselves working towards things because we’ve been sold a version of what a “successful” life looks like or because we see what everybody else is doing on social media.
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We neglect to question if these aspirations align with our authentic selves. Deep down, we know when there’s incongruence between our goals and our innate needs and values because that’s where procrastination can rear its head, kicking off the perfectionist spiral where I’m not making progress towards my goals so my inner critic beats me up and tells me what a terrible person and how I’m not enough so I don’t believe I can achieve my goals and I don’t take any action and around I go again!
Taking the time to unravel your “why” can significantly impact goal-setting. Map out how your goals reflect your core desired feelings or your values. Why are these goals important to you?
Beyond the tangible outcomes, there lies a deeper layer-an emotional resonance, a desired feeling that the accomplishment is expected to evoke. One of my current goals revolves around creating a financially sustainable business. Sure, there’s a number I have in mind to help me plan towards that but I’m not merely fixated on a numerical target. It’s about cultivating a sense of security and ease in my day-to-day existence.
Ask yourself why a goal is important to you, then keep asking yourself (at least 5 more times) until you get to that felt sense of “yes, this is why”. And please be honest with yourself. It’s okay to want things for “vanity” too — not every “why” has to be enlightened! When I’m honest that one of the things I’m seeking is validation, I’m not letting that unconscious desire run the show. I can look at healthy ways of getting that rather than hanging on the number of likes a post gets or other things that don’t actually matter.
The Importance of the Process
When I think about what I really want to get by achieving my goals, I notice it normally comes down to aliveness, joy, and fulfilment, or something like that. And the beauty of connecting with the “why” of a goal means I don’t have to wait until I achieve it to feel the way I want to feel.
Fulfilment doesn’t depend on fixating on the eventual outcome, as even meticulously crafted goals remain subject to the unpredictable nature of life. What I have learned, particularly during my embodied facilitator course with Mark Walsh, is the invaluable lesson that how I engage with the process is equally, if not more, crucial than the defined objectives. It’s not just about what I aim to achieve but fundamentally about how I show up for the journey.
Achievements, no matter how significant, are transient. The high is often disappointingly short-lived. Life ebbs and flows, and outcomes often remain beyond our control. Yet, amidst this uncertainty, there exists a realm within my influence-the approach I take, the attitude I foster, and the daily rituals I follow. It’s about infusing the journey with vitality and pleasure, irrespective of whether I reach my target.
This is where your “why” comes in. If achieving a specific goal is an attempt to generate a certain feeling, why not integrate that feeling into the process itself? Enjoy the journey, not just the destination.
It’s not about forcing this feeling to be a constant companion every day. The key lies in being clear about wanting to experience it regularly. Notice how this might shift your orientation-how would I show up every day if this feeling of security and groundedness were already a reality? How could I cultivate more steadiness in how I approach my business, to use my previous example?
The process — how we show up for our pursuits — might eclipse the significance of the goals themselves. In the pursuit of perfectionism, where we often want to be further along than we are. This approach values the means as much if not more than, the end. Because getting to the end isn’t as much fun as we think. When something is complete, it’s dead — there’s no aliveness there anymore. The aliveness is dancing to the music of the journey itself.
Orienting myself to how I show up for my goals has shifted my focus from fearing mistakes and failures to embracing the process of learning. It’s a recognition that I’m actively engaged in the verb of doing, evolving, and allowing my goals to come to life. It feels liberating, permitting myself to make mistakes and not have to get it all right all the time. The journey becomes an exploration, a living entity, pulsating with excitement and potential-a far more thrilling experience than merely ticking off goals from a to-do list.
Embrace the 1% shift: what would 1% more [of your “why”/desired feeling] be like right now?
New Goals?
In conclusion, setting and achieving goals as a perfectionist requires a change in approach. By defining clear, achievable goals within your control, understanding your true motivations, and embracing the dynamic process of goal pursuit, you can transform your journey. Remember, it’s not just about reaching the destination; it’s about dancing and enjoying the music of life as you progress towards your goals.
Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
Originally published at https://vixanderton.com on January 11, 2024.