The Perfectionist Trap vs the Good-Enoughist Freedom

For most of my life, I prided myself on my "attention to detail," seeing it as proof of my motivation and drive. However, over the past decade, I've also felt a growing exhaustion from constantly measuring my self-worth by my productivity and other peoples' standards.

Perfectionism is often lauded as a virtue, but what if it’s actually holding you back?

In Brené Brown's insightful work, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, she provides a compelling argument:

“As a recovering perfectionist and an aspiring good-enoughist, I’ve found it extremely helpful to bust some of the myths about perfectionism so that we can develop a definition that accurately captures what it is and what it does to our lives. Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield. Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.

Perfectionism is not self-improvement. Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance (grades, manners, rule-following, people-pleasing, appearance, sports). Somewhere along the way, we adopt this dangerous and debilitating belief system: I am what I accomplish and how well I accomplish it. Please. Perform. Perfect. Healthy striving is self-focused—How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?”

Understanding The Perfectionism Trap

1. Perfectionism is not about striving to be your best. It’s about trying to earn approval and acceptance.

1. Perfectionism is not self-improvement. It’s about attempting to gain validation from others.

1. Healthy striving is self-focused. It asks, "How can I improve?"

1. Perfectionism is other-focused. It asks, "What will they think?"

Benefits of Breaking the Pattern of Perfectionism

Lower Stress Levels: By accepting imperfection, we release ourselves from the relentless pressure to meet unrealistic standards.

Increased Resilience: Recognizing that failures and setbacks are a natural part of life enables us to recover more effectively from challenges.

Boosted Self-Esteem: Embracing imperfection fosters self-compassion and helps cultivate a more positive self-view.

Enhanced Relationships: Acknowledging our imperfections and vulnerabilities makes us more relatable and empathetic.

Heightened Creativity: eliminating the fear of making mistakes or failing to meet unattainable standards can spark creativity

Practical Steps to Becoming a Good-Enoughist

1. Recognize and Acknowledge Your Perfectionism

The first step is to become aware of your perfectionist tendencies. This involves recognizing when you're overly critical of yourself or others and understanding the root cause of these feelings. Are you trying to avoid judgment or seeking approval?

Action Step: Keep a journal to note situations where you feel the need to be perfect. Reflect on why you felt that way and what you were hoping to achieve.

2. Challenge Perfectionist Thoughts

Perfectionist thinking often involves black-and-white scenarios where anything less than perfect is seen as a failure. It’s crucial to challenge these thoughts and replace them with more balanced perspectives.

Action Step: When you catch yourself thinking in extremes, ask yourself, "Is this thought helping me grow?" or "What would I say to a friend in a similar situation?"

3. Set Realistic Goals

Setting unattainable goals is a hallmark of perfectionism. Instead, aim for realistic and achievable targets. Understand that it's okay to make mistakes along the way; they are part of the learning process.

Action Step: Break down your goals into smaller, manageable tasks. Celebrate your progress, no matter how small.

4. Embrace Vulnerability

Being a good-enoughist involves embracing your vulnerabilities and understanding that imperfection is part of being human. This can be incredibly liberating and allows for genuine connections with others.

Action Step: Share your struggles and imperfections with trusted friends or family. This can help you feel less alone and provide new perspectives on your challenges.

5. Focus on Self-Compassion

Perfectionists are often their own harshest critics. Practicing self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a good friend.

Action Step: When you make a mistake, instead of berating yourself, practice saying, "It's okay to be imperfect. What can I learn from this experience?"

6. Shift Your Focus to Growth

As Brown points out, healthy striving is about self-focus and growth. Shift your mindset from seeking external validation to engaging in activities that promote personal growth and satisfaction.

Action Step: Engage in hobbies, projects, or learning opportunities that you find fulfilling, irrespective of how well you perform in them.

7. Build a Supportive Community

Surround yourself with people who encourage you to be authentic and who appreciate you for who you are, not for what you accomplish. This can significantly reduce the pressure to be perfect.

Action Step: Join groups or communities that focus on shared interests rather than achievements. These spaces can offer support and understanding.

Be Patient

Becoming an aspiring good-enoughist requires patience and persistence. By shifting your focus from perfection to self-improvement, you can lead a more fulfilling and authentic life. Remember, the goal is not to be perfect but to be genuine and to strive for personal growth.

By letting go of the need to be perfect, you free yourself to reach new levels, grounded in self-acceptance and continuous growth.

Feel inspired to take the first step toward being more aware and compassionate with yourself?

Do it by assessing your emotional intelligence! Understanding your emotions and how they influence your behavior can pave the way for personal growth and better relationships. Start your journey towards greater self-awareness today.