The Perfectionist Trap And How To Free Yourself

Adam has an important email to send.

He’s researched it well, written countless drafts, carefully considered the language and consulted all the right stakeholders.

Now, it’s 7pm and he’s finally pressing send.

As the email wings its way to the relevant inboxes, Adam heads home.

His momentary feeling of satisfaction slowly gives way to a growing feeling of unease that turns into a slow dread.

By the time he gets home, he’s in a panic and his thoughts are racing.

Did he hit the right tone in his email?

Has he missed something critical?

Is his email too long?

He logs on as soon as he gets home, and rereads his work, second-guessing almost every position he’s put forward.

He wonders, "Is it too late to retrieve the email..?"

THE INTERNAL VOICE

Many of us have been there. It’s a common experience for those of us with perfectionist tendencies.

In Adam's case, he has done the work, he initially felt good about it, and yet he is racked by unnecessary doubt. Even when colleagues praise and acknowledge his work, the feeling of satisfaction is short-lived.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines perfectionism as the “Refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.”

But who defines what perfection is?

For many ambitious professionals, it’s a relentless, nagging, internal voice that’s rarely satisfied. It’s driven by worries and fears that aren’t realistic, such as the belief that one flaw or mistake will result in catastrophe.

Our response to such fears is to be extra conscientious, overwork and to do more than is required to get the job done well.

Even when they have, as in Adam’s example, perfectionists are still not satisfied. It's a trap.

We become so caught up with that internal voice that we forget to step back and examine the thoughts that demand perfection in the first place.

For that internal voice, the work is never really good enough. It can always be improved and there is rarely a sense of confidence.

The only thing that quiet the voice is deliberately creating an alternative perspective.

DIMINISHING RETURNS AND THE COST OF PERFECTIONISM

Perfectionists often compare their effort to an ideal standard, but all the additional worry and effort they put in produces diminished returns after a while.

The exact traits we feel led to success (attention to detail and commitment to quality) become obstacles to future success.

A good example of this is one of my clients who is a senior executive at a top consulting firm. She is respected in her industry and recognized for her ability to create outstanding relationships and move a project forward.

However, she would still worry unnecessarily and work to the point of exhaustion. Her health, relationships and motivation all suffered because she felt she was on a “hamster wheel that I can’t get off”.

She held a deep but mistaken belief that her success was dependent on pushing herself more and more.

Once she recognized this, she was able to overcome an internal dialogue which was leaving her tired and resentful.

She made a deliberate effort to slow down, created better boundaries and focused on creating fulfillment outside work and being more present.

By freeing up her mental and emotional bandwidth she was able to see what made her unique (which was not her desire to overwork!) and found a greater sense of wellbeing and balance.

Counter-intuitively, this allowed her to make an even greater impact.

PRIORITIZE VALUE OVER TIME

Perfectionists often believe that the answer to a problem is to throw more time at it. This strategy is unsustainable.

Your time is a finite resource and the hours spent worrying and doubting yourself come at a price.

This price includes personal and family relationships, your health, your creativity and your willingness to take calculated risks.

All of this reduces the impact you could create and the joy you could feel at home and work.

Consider how the energy you spend to go beyond what is required is detrimental and the extra worry is unproductive.

Notice when you’re tempted to throw time at your work in the pursuit of an unattainable standard.

Instead, work on creating a sense of perspective.

Slowing down will help you to find more balanced success and growth. It might feel uncomfortable at first as you change long established habits, but the rewards of greater success and satisfaction with more balance are worth it.

Perfectionism is one of the main themes that comes up with the clients I help. Through my coaching, they have been able to recognize and acknowledge their perfectionism, keep what works and discard the aspects that make them anxious and unhappy.

If you are dealing with any of these issues and think that I could help you, then please don’t hesitate to reach out and book an appointment with me.

You can do so using this link Book An Appointment With Deema

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