Perfectionism and ADHD

Perfectionism and ADHD

Photo cred: www.ejcphoto.com

Most people think of ADHD as disorganized, unfocused, and impulsive. Often, I hear parents tell me how their teenager takes forever to get their essay done and then never even turns it in. Or maybe they really want to put their hat in the ring for student government, but never do. Maybe they have a project they seemed excited about but can’t start. Sure, it could be they are overwhelmed or procrastinating, but it could also be perfectionism and that often comes as a surprise to people. Perfectionism is actually quite good friends with ADHD. 

Perfectionism is actually closely related to shame and shame is VERY good friends with ADHD. People that have ADHD often feel that they just aren’t good enough. I mean, things that seem so easy for some people are so hard for us, and we begin to wonder if we are capable. When you hear negativity day after day, and are constantly being reminded that you’re too loud, too messy, too scatterbrained, it takes a toll. That is when Shame comes creeping in, telling us that we aren’t good enough. Perfectionism is similar. Perfectionism comes in to avoid the pain of blame and judgment and shame. Perfectionism tries to earn approval and acceptance by chasing after it. Perfectionism whispers in our ear, “you are what you accomplish…. So it better be perfect”.

There is a huge difference between striving to be better and being a perfectionist. Striving to be better is about growth. When we strive for success we look at flaws and failures as part of that journey. When we strive to be better we try our best. Perfectionism hampers success and isn’t about trying our best and growth. It is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that tells us that if we are perfect, then we minimize painful feelings and shame and judgement. Here is the problem: There is no such thing as perfect so it is actually unattainable. Yea, so that sucks. So since actual perfection isn’t attainable, the perfectionist just goes for the PERCEPTION of perfection. Guess what? That isn’t possible either because we can’t actually control the perception of others. So it becomes a weird little addictive cycle.  A perfectionist sees judgement as a result of not being perfect enough, and so it continues. This actually leads to depression, anxiety, and missed opportunities because of a fear of failure. 

With regards to writing a paper or doing a project for school, the perfectionist may never think it is good enough to turn in, or they may look down the road of a project and fear that they’ll never get it good enough so why start?  Getting these kids to recognize that something just needs to be “good enough”,  and that the perfect paper here is out of context and not appreciated, can be tough.  I try to get 504’s to include the ability to resubmit with corrections available so they don’t fear the finality of turning in work. I try to get parents thinking about their reactions to failures. Our self worth isn’t dependent on our accomplishments. We aren’t worthy IF…… we are just worthy. We are good enough already.