Perfection is the Enemy of the Good

First published on my Substack In Conscious Motion on July 20, 2023.

“And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.” ― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

I slowed my writing pace around the change of this publication’s name in late April. I’d been thinking about it for awhile beforehand and it felt… big. It felt risky. But I made the decision, made the change.

Then I needed a nap.

Then I panicked because I feared I’d scared away a few subscribers, or at the very least turned them off. If you’re one of them, I’m sorry. And since you’re reading this, thank you for continuing with me. If you’re okay with the ebbs and flows of change, even if it’s uncomfortable, I embrace you. It’s a hard place to be, accepting uncertainty when all we really want is to be sure of something.

Being sure makes us feel safe.

As trauma survivors, we need safety. Feeling safe was taken from us when we were harmed. Creating consistency and a sense of knowing what’s going to happen is a part of stabilizing our lives. Since I myself have been through recent trauma, I have to create that safety for myself. And that means taking care of myself and what I need to do to create stability, even if it means sometimes disappointing others, even here. First and foremost, as a survivor, I must take care of myself. Then I can offer what I have to give from a place of safety and stability. It’s the foundational stage of trauma recovery.1

“Creating consistency and a sense of knowing what’s going to happen is a part of stabilizing our lives.”

In addition to the emotional elements, there were technical issues in making this change. Honestly, I think I might have messed up the Substack algorhythm: I noticed in a dummy email I use to test, as a subscriber, Substack sent a message from me using the old name and offering an incentive to become a paid subscriber. I didn’t send that email - it’s clearly part of the algorhythm. I’m sorry if you’ve received one such email that might’ve confused you. I contacted tech and the Boost email (I didn’t even know was there) was not automatically updated when I changed my name (FYI: if you change your name best to go to “Boost” under Settings and change the auto-email name - who knew?). Somehow, it didn’t get the memo.

Life has glitches apparently. Like I said in this piece on why I changed my name, healing, therefore Life, is sometimes awkward.

But receiving that email made me think: I did this wrong. I’m not perfect. I screwed up and confused people. I should’ve just done what others have done and started a whole new newsletter. It felt like I broke a promise to those who subscribed to the old name and depended on my consistency. Then I felt bad.

Sigh.

I’m trying. The tricky thing about writing here is that I am writing post-trauma which means there are some things I contend with in my personal life, in my healing journey, that can sometimes interfere. I am striving to live my life in conscious motion, so things will not always work out the way I planned. Even so, sometimes we have to stick with things, even if they get a little messy. I believe in the evolution of my life, my writing, this publication, and that it will be okay.

Well, it is, but not without bumps along the way.

It’s not perfect. But it’s still good - or at least, good enough.

How many ways to be good enough

While I may not have been writing as much, June brought new opportunities for me. I finally executed the goal I set in January: to offer my dance movement therapy workshop in community.

Back in December I attended an ecstatic dance called Dance Temple that I wrote about here. I had a strong desire to offer dance movement therapy workshops in community. After that experience doing ecstatic dance, I wondered how could I make this a reality. In mid-January, I walked into a venue, talked with the executive director and set the wheels in motion for offering this program in one of their spaces.

I decided that by the end of June, I wanted to have run three dance movement therapy workshops.

The next day, I went into the shed and dug out my Group counseling binder from grad school. I resurrected the project I created in 2018 after leading my cohort in various dance movement exercises. But even though I’d led the group then, I’d never run what I actually created in a final written project afterwards, a project that resulted in my professor ending his supportive comments with: “I hope you get to run this someday.” When I led the class back then, we danced and moved, and I educated the class in the benefits of dance movement therapy. But it was not all. It was not the full experience I envisioned.

My final project took it another step forward since the program combined dance movement therapy and expressive writing, with some mindfulness embedded within. This was the essence of my project. It was a journey into the Self, incorporating all levels. Dance loosens the body and allows the story to emerge from within, accessing thoughts and emotions. Dance and movement help shake loose the cobwebs that lurk, hindering progress. The stories we have buried can block us in our lives, in our writing. Using dance helps us release ourselves so we can write expressively. And it’s in writing that we can begin to see what changes we’d like to make in our lives and able to see what’s holding us back. It is the point of my work.

“Dance loosens the body and allows the story to emerge from within.”

I worked in earnest for several months, researching and developing ideas. In April, I held my first focus group. I led a small group in various exercises and afterwards received their feedback. Then I went back to development, fine-tuning and preparing. I led another group in May - this time for a group of teen girls. I experienced the difference between working with adults and teens and the adjustments that needed to be made.

Finally, I booked that venue and placed a deposit in early May. I decided to offer it in community.

It was happening.

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