The Perfect Storm

(Trigger warning, vulnerability post ahead about mental and physical health!)

It’s storm season in Texas, but I’m not here to report on the weather.?

The other day, I met an acquaintance who asked me how I've been after having my second child. My answer was a jerk reaction: "Great!" with a big fat smile. The reality is, that was a big fat lie. I've been great and I've been terrible. I've been happy and I was hospitalized. If I didn’t open up about this, you’d never know. Listening to Blü Eyes, reading some journal entries and Slack/text messages help me remember this time in my life that only a few people know about.?

The perfect storm happened in October 2022, and I have only recently found some answers (May 2023). This journey has been a mental, physical, and spiritual challenge, and what better time to share this story than on my birthday and during mental health awareness month?!

This post was supposed to be the cliff notes version, but I realize it's hard to summarize these challenging months in a few lines. And why am I sharing all this??

God has called me to enlighten and encourage others because this is a tough topic to talk about openly, but I am not the only one with a similar history, and I want those to feel seen and understood who struggle now or struggled in the past. To God I give glory, He stood by me in these tough times as well as my family, some close friends, and coworkers. I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I am thriving now.

Ok, here we go.?

After the unexpectedly most blissful maternity leave happened the unexpectedly most stressful return to work, a family finance scare, a traumatic daycare experience, and a huge health scare for my daughter. Today I know, these ingredients created the perfect storm for cortisol levels to overwhelm my body, my thyroid to inflame, knocking my already messed up hormones even more out of balance, causing me to lose sleep and apatite, experience extreme brain fog, and the inability to make decisions, drive safely, or get out of bed. I couldn't hold or nurse my baby, shut off my brain to rest. Feeling like a failure, anxiety and depression were my companions. People depended on me at home and at work. I knew I needed help, but didn't know where to find it.?

After an incredibly challenging 2 weeks, I was admitted to Mesa Springs Mental Hospital for 7 days. It was a voluntary decision, yet the toughest one I've ever had to make, leaving my 3-month and 4-year-old, my husband, and already short-handed work family. At Mesa, they told me, I have postpartum depression exacerbated by extreme stress, educated me on psych stuff, taught me coping skills, prescribed medication for sleep and anxiety, fed me, watched me pump and swallow my pills, asked me every day if I had a bowel movement or any thoughts of killing myself. I knew I wanted to live, I was just extremely confused and felt like an utter failure. (If you are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide, call 988! To me, this experience was humiliating, while for others, it's life-saving, and if you ever need help, don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline or get an assessment at a mental hospital.)

Assuming the crisis had passed, I was released, but all my symptoms rapidly returned. Visited an ER, had my first major panic attack, and got admitted to a Partial Hospitalization Program for 2 months. My trauma group, medical professionals, and my family kept suggesting I leave my job and become a stay-at-home mom, but all the struggles were so situational, I didn't think that was the solution. Also, work people fought for me so hard, they made it hard for me to quit. I'm glad I didn't.?

Meanwhile, my Spirit had been broken, I lost faith and by the Grace of God, He delivered me and showed me what real Hope feels like. My mind was still confused though, all the diagnosis and treatment felt like symptom management to a bigger issue. I was right. I received my diagnosis 4 months and 6 medical professionals later: Postpartum Thyroiditis caused by extreme stress shortly after giving birth. Some things still didn't feel right in my body so I kept seeking more truths. Other than General Anxiety Disorder, I was diagnosed with ADHD, high IQ?? , below-average short-term memory (call me Neurospicy), and drumroll please, Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism. Bingo. Here's my root cause. All the other mental and physical struggles we're just symptoms of a much larger problem and no medical professional was able to pinpoint this sooner!?!?(That's maddening, but that's a topic for another post. And my story isn't your story. You might have gone through trauma or have other causes. Don't be ashamed, it's not your fault.)

I blamed myself throughout this journey, and had a broken record playing in my head: I'm a weakling, not fit to lead at work or at home. Had so many unanswered questions and physical symptoms, nothing made sense until the PT diagnosis. I found great resources online, such as Dr. Aviva Romm's On Health podcast . Please give it a go, if you're experiencing any of these symptoms: fast heart rate, increased or decreased appetite, unexplained weight loss or gain, anxiety, depression, nervousness, irritability, insomnia, increased sweating, sensitivity to heat/cold, tremors, constant and extreme fatigue, constipation/diarrhea, dry skin, muscle weakness, or decreased ability to concentrate and focus.?

*** You need a medical diagnosis for any health concerns, talk to a medical professional that you trust, and advocate for yourself. I highly encourage you not to accept answers from any doctor that says: "You just had a baby, this is normal!" or "You're stressed, take a day off." or "Your thyroid panel looks good, there's nothing wrong with you.”***

I am on medication for thyroid, anxiety, and sleep, going gluten-free, being monitored by my PCP, an endocrinologist, a neurologist, and I see my counselor regularly. Today, on my 33rd birthday, I am thriving and recovering day by day. This beautiful dead-end turned deliverance couldn't have been possible without God, the support of my selfless family, caring friends, and the generously grace-giving people I work with.?

Physical and mental health issues can affect and debilitate anyone. Working mommas, single moms, childless mommas, women in general, men in general, bosses, leaders, peers, friends, family members, and business contacts. Most likely, someone in your circle is suffering and you'd never know… I'll tell my acquaintance I lied to her because now I am ready to talk about all this.?

Another friend and I were texting the other night and she said, "Fanni, after you shared your health challenges with me, I felt like I was not being dramatic or that something was wrong with me." She wasn't the only person I've been able to help by opening up about my journey, and I am extremely thankful that I get to be where I am today to uplift those who are struggling and educate others about what mental and physical (un)health can do to us. Thyroid, adrenals, hormones, brain, and gut health play a huge role in the way we feel, operate, and function. What we eat, surround ourselves with, the stress of life, and medical bandaid treatments can keep us unwell long-term; it's not okay. Going to a mental hospital helped me get out of the crisis, western medicine also helped me get over the hump, but I had to keep going, advocate for myself, do research, and understand that my body's ability to heal itself is far greater than anyone has ever led me to believe. This is true for you too.

If you haven't felt like yourself recently or have any questions, please don't hesitate to reach out; I'm not a medical professional, but I'm an open book.

***

"You are God’s poem. You are a work of art. You are unique. There is nobody like you!?

And there’s more to life than being unique. God wants you to be unique and effective. Even before you were born, God predesigned a role for you in life. He said, “I’m going to make this person and give her certain gifts, abilities, talents, and experiences — some good, some painful, and some educational. I’m going to bring all of these things together because I want something done in the world that will take that kind of person to do it.” - God's Dream for Your Life Devotional by Rick Warren