This is the perfect newsletter. (or not).

Signs of a perfectionist:

• You attach your worth to your achievements.
• You either do everything 100% or it is a failure.
• Missing a workout or eating unhealthy meal stresses you out.
• You don't ask for help.
• You don't tolerate mistakes, yours or others.
• You stay in your comfort zone to avoid embarrassment.

Today, it’s gonna be a bit different. Vicks is taking a well-deserved break, because V. has finally talked to someone else than herself. Yes, believe it or not, it is a real person, Eva Vavrakova, a psychologist that is, apart from many other thighs, active in an organization called Dobrobytie (Slovak translation of well-being). It is a platform for mental health, and obviously well-being. Evka worked for ESET too, but we have never met until recently, thanks to Aneta Lunterova. Hopefully, this interview is just the beginning of something nice.. but more about that a bit later. We talked about perfectionism, and I gained a lot of new knowledge and interesting perspectives. Well, see for yourself.?And yes, this edition has Slovak version as well, just scroll down.

V: Why am I a perfectionist?

E: Hm, why do you think so??

V: Starting with difficult questions already I see. Well, oftentimes I am not happy if things don’t work out even better than my original expectations.?

E: Yes, that can be one trait of perfectionism. Because it consists of more things. Demanding a lot of yourself or never being satisfied, as you said, is just one of them. Perfectionism can manifest in our demands of others, or in a perception that others have high expectations of me and I must fulfill them.

V: The last thing seems as bemusing as my talks with myself :D. Where does it all begin?

E: Some things we inherit, some are learned, either in our families, or broader circles we live in, like school environments. We cannot change our genes, but perfectionism is passed on through generations also in other ways, not just through DNA. Do you see perfectionism characteristics in your family?

V: Thinking of it, I would say it’s more due to upbringing.

E: Yes, pressure to be a high performer is a value - it is needed to study a lot, get good grades…

V: It sounds like you lived with us…

E: It is indeed a generational topic, the society we grew up in was set up this way. In order to be successful in life, you need to always perform at your highest, achieve the best possible results, and most importantly, never make any mistakes. Our school systems work in a very similar way, focusing a lot on grades rather than developing skills that might suit our personalities. We have it all internalized. I am good enough “only if” - only if I get the best grades, only if I win all sports games.?

V: How can I distinguish what is my expectation and what is the expectation of others? Like parents, teachers, society.

E: In the end, it doesn’t really matter. If something is internalized, it is already me. If I am a perfectionist, I find other people’s perceptions and opinions of me very important. It might be very difficult for me to identify what is exactly what I want. But perfectionism can be also helpful.?

V: Really? How??

E: We need to ask the right questions: Is it a tool that I can use? Or is it hurting me??

V: Maybe I’ll ask in a different way - is perfectionism even bad? I am thinking of all of those job interviews, where they ask about your strengths, and perfectionism is mentioned. Even for me it has a positive connotation.?

E: Perfectionism was and still is viewed as a virtue. However, we shouldn’t label our personality characteristics as good or bad. Perfectionism can be adaptive or maladaptive - it can be helpful or harmful. If we can be high achievers and have realistically challenging expectations of ourselves, and at the same be able to rest, we talk about an adaptive form of perfectionism. We combine high performance with self-love. Maladaptive perfectionism can wreck us. In this type we always see mistakes, issues, we are never happy with the outcome and we fear failure.?

V: How is maladaptive perfectionism limiting me?

E: It leads to exhaustion, stress, feelings of unfulfillment and low self-esteem - even if realistically we have good results. For example, I am making a presentation, correcting every detail way into the late night, to have the best possible presentation ever. The next day, someone notices a typo, tells me, and I immediately start feeling very bad about myself, that I didn’t notice. I am harsh to myself, I feel stupid. If I have unrealistic expectations of myself, even the smallest oversight causes overall unhappiness.?

V: You describe me quite well, for how little we know each other.?

E: There are many of us like this.?

V: How to tame, or adjust it??

E: Self-love is the key - it is a pillar of self-worth that is defending me. Maybe I have these thoughts that I “must” check the presentation once again, but I also know I need to sleep. So I go to sleep. Yes, it does hurt when a colleague criticizes me but I am able to remind myself that we all make mistakes and it is common. I can look at myself more realistically - I am better in some things, not so much in others, I have more and less productive periods. I am ok also with 80% achievement.

V: I saw this picture somewhere, that when I have 30% and I give 30% I actually give 100% of what I have. How can I learn to regulate myself this way?

E: It is quite difficult. Sometimes perfectionism is a part of our core system, our deepest self. We cannot change the whole software, but we can reprogram it a bit. Starting with the simple thing of noticing it - what is happening to me, when do I feel bad? Many times we feel inadequate, ashamed, incompetent. Shame is a heavy feeling and we do anything possible to avoid it.?

V: Wow, super interesting. I have never connected perfectionism with shame.?

E: Perfectionism is a strategy for how we control the world around us. This way we handle various threats and uncomfortable feelings. When we feel ashamed our self-worth is very fragile. Will I be good enough, if I do this? First I might notice it only when looking back at some situation. Now you might be remembering a situation from your childhood, like a teacher criticizing you in front of the whole class.?

V: Or in my case, the question why I got only the second best grade in one subject.?

E: … and yet, all the best grades in other subjects were overlooked… It helps to talk about it with people who experience it similarly and are close to us. Once we address the shame, and express it out loud, it feels lighter. The feeling is not so overwhelming anymore and we can work on the reprogramming. We can feel some other new feeling that will overwrite those old ones. Instead of feeling like a failure, we feel accepted the way we are. It happens when we get an authentic appreciation not only criticism. When we are able to enjoy our success, even the average imperfect success.?

V: Very true. How do you enjoy your success?

E: It didn’t always come easily and naturally for me, what helped was long term psychotherapeutic training. Today I am able to stop and name my achievements. We even do this in our team, we thank each other regularly. It can be helpful to visualize things, for example how we soak in the sunshine - soak in the appreciation for my achievements. Or putting a nice moisturizing cream that feels so nice on my skin. We really do need appreciation and recognition. If we cannot get it from ourselves we can ask others, our partner or friend.?

V: Mmm, not sure if I could do that. I feel like I would be too needy, asking for that.?

E: It is a completely essential need, same as the need for safety or close relationships. In the hierarchy of needs it’s of course higher than the need for food. But it is a need that we have had since childhood. We do need acceptance and recognition of the people around us, to know we are valued. We are social beings and it is a healthy narcissistic need to be accepted and respected, to have a place in the world, to be seen, to be good at what I do.?

V: It sounds so nice. But sometimes it seems that when you are successful for a long time, all of those success stories become normal for people around you. Curse of high achievers maybe? So if the people around me cannot give me the recognition I need, how can I do it for myself?

E: It is important to learn to stop the automatic thoughts that can be self-criticizing or questioning. I have to tell myself what went right and how much effort I put in. To be fully honest, we need to experience the recognition also in our relationship. It is a much stronger feeling when others appreciate us, compared to self-appreciation. Again, we are social beings and it is very important who we surround ourselves with. If we are respected, appreciated and accepted, even with our imperfections, we can call ourselves lucky to be in a healthy relationship.?

V: Maybe we could start practicing on other people - appreciate our loved ones. That way we can learn to give it to ourselves and also inspire people to do it for others.?

E: Good approach. We need to really internalize phrases like “thank you”, “I really appreciate that”.?

V: Thank you for this interview. I appreciate very much sharing all your wisdom with us.?

E: Haha, let’s try it the other way around - what did you achieve during this interview? Can you appreciate something for yourself?

V: I’d say for being able to notice, when I am too harsh on myself. It also struck me a lot to hear that appreciation of others is a normal human need, not something I am not allowed to feel. That I am not too much.?

E: It is good to form a habit, remind yourself every night what has been successful that day.?

V: Do you do that??

E: Mainly in times when I tend to compare myself to others a bit more. It’s like a first aid for me, how I get rid of the harrowing thoughts. I also like to have these kinds of rituals with my loved ones. We talk with my kids every night, what was nice and what was difficult that day. We learn together how to praise and appreciate ourselves, we support each other and practice self-love.?

Tips from Vicks

Exercise – Speed and high rep count isn’t always the most important. Slow down, while doing an exercise, focus on proper technique.?

Food – Once in a while, you should invest time into calories counting - sometimes you learn you eat too little.

Mindfulness – Notice when you are too harsh on yourself, and stay with it for a while.?

Work – Find people with drive and collaborate.?

Finance – ?Think twice before you buy something with a “great discount”.?

Women of the month – All my girlfriends. Ivona and Margita and Samo. Ivana and Andrea, Lucia and Lucia. Katarína, Martina, Barbora, Kristína. And many more of those amazing women who I meet and who give me support that I could only dream of and make my life whole.?

Book of the month – I honestly couldn’t come up with anything, so there really is no better time to give up the goal of a perfectly composed newsletter than today.?

Intention for the next month – Write down your achievements in the past weeks or months. (There always are some).?

Dance song of the month

Toto je dokonaly ?lánok. (alebo aj nie).

Znaky perfekcionizmu:

• Tvoja sebahodnota je naviazaná na tvoje úspechy.
• Ak nie je nie?o spravené na 100%, pova?uje? to za zlyhanie.
• Stresuje ?a, ak vyme?ká? tréning alebo si dá? nezdrav?ie jedlo.
• Nevie? po?iada? o pomoc
• Netoleruje? chyby, u seba ani u inych.
• Ostavá? vo svojej komfortnej zóne, aby si sa nedostala do trápnej situácie.

Dnes to bude iné. Vicks si dá trochu oddych, lebo V. sa porozprávala kone?ne s?inou osobu. áno, je to osoba reálna, Eva Vavrakova, psychologi?ka, ktorá sa okrem iného venuje aj organizácii Dobrobytie, platforme pre du?evné zdravie. S?Evkou sme sa minuli v?ESETe, odi?la sk?r ako som ja nastúpila, ale v?aka Aneta Lunterova sme sa stretli a?dali dokopy tento rozhovor, ktory je sná? len za?iatok... Ale o?tom nesk?r. Vybrali sme si tému perfekcionizmus, a?na rozdiel od rozhovorov samej so sebou som sa tu ve?a nau?ila. V?ak ?ítajte.

V: Pre?o som perfekcionistka?

E: Hm, a pre?o si to myslí???

V: Hne? takto z?úvodu ?a?ké otázky? No, ?astokrát nie som spokojná, kym veci nie sú o?kúsok lep?ie ako moja p?vodná predstava.??

E: M??e to by? jedna ?rta perfekcionizmu. Tvorí ho toti? viac vecí. Ma? na seba príli? vysoké nároky a nikdy neby? so sebou spokojná, ako si opísala, je jedna z?nich. Prejavom perfekcionizmu m??u by? aj moje o?akávania od druhych, ?e som na nich ve?mi náro?ná. Napokon, je to aj vnímanie, ?e ostatní majú odo mňa vysoké o?akávania a?ja ich musím naplni?.?

V: Tá posledná vec je podobne zapeklitá, ako moje rozhovory so sebou. Ako toto celé vzniká?

E: Nie?o m??eme dosta? do vienka, iné získame vychovou. Svoje robí aj ?ir?ie prostredie, teda tlak spolo?nosti, v ktorej ?ijeme. Gény nezmeníme, no ?asto sa perfekcionizmus odovzdáva z generácie na generácie aj inak ako formou DNA. Vidí? znaky perfekcionizmu aj vo svojej rodine?

V: Ke? sa tak nad tym zamy??am, sk?r by som povedala, ?e je to vychovou.?

E: áno, tlak na vykon je hodnota - treba sa dobre u?i?, ma? dobré známky...

V: To znie, ako by si ?ila s?nami..?

E: Je to genera?ná vec, prostredie v ktorom sme mnohí vyrastali tak bolo nastavené. Ak má? by? v??ivote úspe?ná, tak sa musí? podáva? vykon, ma? skvelé vysledky a hlavne nerobi? chyby. V podobnom duchu funguje aj ná? ?kolsky systém, ktory zd?razňuje sk?r dobré známky, ne? iné oblasti rozvoja na?ej osobnosti. Máme to ve?mi zvnútornené. Som v?poriadku ?iba ke?“ - iba ke? mám samé jednotky, iba ke? vyhrávam v?etky ?portové zápasy.

V: Ako viem odlí?i?, ?o je moje o?akávanie, a??o o?akávanie inych? Rodi?ov, u?ite?ov, spolo?nosti.?

E: V?kone?nom d?sledku je to jedno. Ak mám nie?o internalizované, som to u? ja. Ak sme perfekcionisti, ?asto nám ve?mi zále?í na poh?ade a názoroch druhych ?udí a m??e by? pre nás ?a??ie rozlí?i?, ?o chcem vlastne ja. Ale aby sme o perfekcionizme nehovorili len v negatívach, v mnohom nám m??e aj pomáha?.??

V: Tak?e perfekcionizmus vie by? aj dobry? Ako?

E: Treba sa pyta?: Je to nástroj, ktory viem vyu?i?? Alebo som jeho otrokom??

V: Mo?no som sa mala spyta? opa?ne.. je perfekcionizmus vlastne zly? ?asto sa na pohovoroch spomína perfekcionizmus ako silná stránka. Aj pre mňa to má stále pozitívnu konotáciu (narozdiel od sebeckosti).?

E: Perfekcionizmus bol a?stále je chápany ako cnos?. No ke? ide o na?e osobnostné vlastnosti, nemali by sme ich hodnoti? ako dobré alebo?zlé. Aj perfekcionizmus m??e by? adaptívny alebo maladaptívny - m??e pomáha? alebo naopak, ?kodi? a strp?ova? nám ?ivot. Adaptívne je, ak viem podáva? vysoky vykon a som na seba aj realisticky náro?ná, ale zároveň si viem aj oddychnu?. Skombinujem perfekcionizmus so sebaláskou. Maladaptívny ma zni?í. Je to typ perfekcionizmu, ktory neustále h?adá chyby, nikdy nie je spokojny s dosiahnutym vysledkom a stále sa obáva zlyhania.?

V: Ako ma ten maladaptívny limituje??

E: Vedie k vy?erpaniu, stresu a ?asto aj k poci?ovaniu neúspechu a nízkej seba hodnoty, aj ke? objektívne máme dos? dobré vysledky. Napríklad robím prezentáciu, do noci opravujem ka?dy detail, aby bola najlep?ia. Na druhy deň mi niekto povie, ?e som tam mala preklep, a?ja mám vy?itky, ?e som si to nev?imla, kritizujem sa a hovorím si, ?e som hlúpa. Ke? mám od seba nerealistické o?akávania, sta?í aj malé zlyhanie, a som ne??astná.?

V: Na to ?e sa a? tak nepoznáme, ma dobre opisuje?.

E: Viacerí to takto máme.?

V: Ako to teda skultivova?, skroti???

E: Rozdiel je sebaláska - pilier seba hodnoty, ktory za mňa bojuje. Mo?no mi aj napadne, ?e si “musím” e?te raz skontrolova? prezentáciu, ale uvedomujem si aj to, ?e sa potrebujem vyspa?, tak to uprednostním. Kolegova poznámka ma zabolí, ale viem si poveda?, ?e ka?dy robíme chyby. Doká?em ma? realisticky poh?ad na seba - nie?o mi ide lep?ie, nie?o hor?ie, mám lep?ie a hor?ie obdobia. Som ok aj s 80%nym vykonom.?

V: Kdesi som videla taky obrázok, ?e ak mám 30% a dávam 30%, tak je to vlastne 100%. Ako sa viem k tomu dosta?? ?e sa viem takto ?upravi?“?

E: Je to ?a?ké. Niekedy je perfekcionizmus sú?as? ná?ho core systému, najhlb?ieho ja. Nevieme vymeni? cely svoj základny software, ale vieme ho trochu preprogramova?. Na úvod si to sta?í len v?íma? - kedy mi nie?o nerobí dobre, ?o sa so mnou deje. Naj?astej?ie prichádza pocit nedostato?nosti, hanby, nekompetentnosti. Hanba je ?a?ky pocit, a preto robíme ve?a, aby sme ho nemali.?

V: To je ve?mi zaujímavé, to som si nikdy takto nespojila.

E: Perfekcionizmus je stratégia, ako kontrolujeme svet okolo seba. Reagujeme ním na hrozby, aby sme nemali ?a?ké pocity. Pri pocite hanby nará?ame na svoju krehkú seba hodnotu. Ke? spravím toto, budem dos? dobrá? Ke? sa sna?íme si to lep?ie v?íma?, najsk?r si svoje pocity uvedomíme a? sp?tne. A ?asto si ich vieme pospája? aj so zá?itkami z minulosti, nie?ím, ?o sa stalo v detstve napríklad, ?e pani u?ite?ka ma skritizovala pred celou triedou.?

V: V?mojom prípade otázka: pre?o si dostala dvojku?

E: … a pritom jednotku si doma nikto ani nev?imol… Pomáha hovori? o tom, s ?u?mi, ktorí to tie? tak majú. Ke? hovoríme o svojom zahanbení s ?u?mi, kde sa cítime bezpe?ne,? u? nie je tabu, a ten pocit sa akoby odk?aje. A potom to m??eme skú?a? aj preprogramováva?. Za?i? novy pocit, ktory prepí?e zá?itky, ktoré ma emo?ne pozna?ili. ?a?ivé pocity spojené so zlyhaním preprogramujú skúsenosti, kedy sme boli prijatí takí akí sme. Ke? dostaneme autentické ocenenie, a nie len kritiku. Ke? si vieme vychutna? svoj úspech, taky normálny, nemusí by? dokonaly…

V: To je pravda. Ako si ty vychutnáva? svoje úspechy??

E: Ani pre mňa to nebolo v?dy prirodzené, ale dlhodoby psychoterapeuticky vycvik priniesol svoje ovocie. Dnes sa zastavím, a?poviem si, ?o sa mi podarilo. Prípadne si to hovoríme aj v tíme, po?akujeme si navzájom. M??e pom?c? si to aj vizualizova?, ?e sa akoby okúpeme v?ocenení, alebo si ho nanesieme ako dobry krém, ktory sa dobre vstrebe. Kúpe? sa v slne?nych lú?och, dá sa to skúsi? to aj pre uznanie. My ako ?udia ve?mi potrebujeme uznanie. Ke? si ho nevieme da? sami, m??eme si ho aj vypyta?, napríklad od partnera, partnerky.?

V: Uf, to neviem ?i by som vedela. Mám pocit, ?eby som ?iadala prive?a a?bola by som ?needy“, lebo toto chcem.?

E: Je to prirodzená potreba, podobne ako potreba bezpe?ia, ?i potreba blízkych vz?ahov. V pyramíde potrieb je síce vy??ie, ako napríklad hlad. Ale u? v detstve je prítomná. Potrebujeme ma? od tych druhych prijatie a uznanie, vedie?, ?e máme hodnotu. Sme sociálne bytosti a fungujeme na tom, ?i nás iní prijímajú, re?pektujú a vá?ia si nás. Sú to naozaj zdravé narcistné potreby. Ma? svoje miesto vo svete. By? vnímaná, by? dobrá v tom ?o robím.?

V: Znie to pekne, a?príjemne. Zdá sa mi ale, ?e pri vysoko vykonnych ?u?och sa ich úspechy stanú normálne, a okolie to neocení. Ako sa viem nau?i? dáva? si uznanie sama sebe??

E: D?le?ité je zastavi? prvotné my?lienky, ktoré m??u by? spochybňujúce, ?i sebakritizujúce, a poviem si, ?o sa mi podarilo, ?e som do toho dala ve?a úsilia. Ale úplne úprimne, potrebujeme to za?íva? aj vo vz?ahoch. Je to intenzívnej?ie, ke? nás pochvália iní, ne? ke? si ocenenie dávame sami. Sme sociálne bytosti a?je ve?mi d?le?ité, kym sa obklopíme. Zdravé vz?ahy sú také, kde dostávame re?pekt, ocenenie a prijatie, aj so svojimi nedokonalos?ami.

V: M??eme si to mo?no za?a? takto trénova?, na inych, oceňova? ich, aby sme to vedeli da? aj sebe, a mo?no zároveň in?pirovali inych.?

E: To je dobry postup. Potrebujeme dosta? do krvi formulácie ako ??akujem ti“, ?oceňujem, ?e“.??

V: ?akujem ti za tento rozhovor. Ve?mi oceňujem, ?e si s nami zdie?ala múdrosti.?

E: Haha, a skúsme aj opa?ne, ?o sa tebe podarilo po?as tohto rozhovoru? Za ?o sa vie? oceni???

V: Hm, za to, ?e si to viem v?imnú?, ke? som na seba prísna. Ve?mi mi tie? rezonuje, ?e ocenenie je normálna potreba, nie nie?o, na ?o nemám nárok.?

E: Je dobré si pestova? návyk, ka?dy ve?er si pripomenú?, ?o sa mi podarilo.?

V: Ty to tak robí???

E: Hlavne ke? mám nejaké obdobie, kedy sa mi nedarí a viac sa porovnávam s inymi. Pripomenutie, ?o sa mi podarilo je taká prvá pomoc, ako preru?i? sebatryznivé my?lienky. Niekedy je fajn ma? takéto rituály aj s blízkymi. S?de?mi si ka?dy ve?er hovoríme, ?o boli t?ne a ?o ru?e toho dňa. ?o bolo pekné a ?o bolo ?a?ké. Spolu sa u?íme sa oceni?, pochváli?, podporíme sa v??a?kych situáciách a?trénujeme sebalásku.?

Tipy od Vicks?

Cvi?enie - rychlos? prevedenia a po?et opakovaní nie je v?dy to najd?le?itej?ie. Spoma? a sústre? sa na prevedenie.?

Jedlo– Z ?asu na ?as je dobré pozrie? sa na príjem a vydaj kalórií v ?íslach - mo?no zistí?, ?e je? príli? málo.?

V?ímavos?– V?imni si, ke? si na seba príli? prísna, a chví?u to pozoruj.?

Práca – V?dy sú v práci ?udia, ktorí sú motivovaní a chcú robi? veci lep?ie - spolupracuj s nimi.?

Financie – ?Poriadne sa zamysli predtym, ne? kúpi? nie?o v skvelej “z?ave”.?

?eny mesiaca – V?etky moje kamarátky. Ivona a Margita a Samo. Ivana a Andrea, Lucia a Lucia. Katarína, Martina, Barbora, Kristína. A mnohé ?al?ie ú?asné ?eny, ktoré stretávam, a ktoré mi dodávajú silu, o ktorej sa mi ani nesnívalo a robia m?j ?ivot naplnenym.?

Kniha mesiaca – Naozaj neviem vymyslie? ?iadny tip, ale kedy je lep?í ?as nema? tento newsletter dokonaly ako pri téme perfekcionizmu??

Zámer na tento mesiac – Zapí? si svoje úspechy z posledného obdobia. V?dy nejaké sú.