Perception - Beyond right and wrong

Many years ago, I led a small meeting which included 3 other colleagues: 2 females, and 1 other male.

As I opened my computer to share a presentation, a family picture of my wife and children briefly flashed up on the screen.

My male colleague made a comment about my daughter, something along the lines of “she is beautiful, I’d like to introduce her to my son.” Both females in attendance heard the comment, I did not.

The meeting took place without any further incident.

Post meeting, I received a call from my manager who had not been in attendance. She asked, “are you ok?” After a brief exchange, she divulged that one of our teammates had called to share her concern about an inappropriate comment during the meeting.

My manager shared that one team-mate perceived the quote about my daughter to be “inappropriate, offensive, demeaning,” and due to our (male) teammate’s background, felt that he was possibly “referencing arranged marriage.”

My manager wanted to know if I'd like to discuss it further, or if I planned to call HR to report the statement.

I said I did not.

The matter was closed. But it really wasn’t.

This brief story above illustrates several ways in which one is unknowingly a member of The EOC (Easily Offended Club.) So, let’s review what occurred during the encounter:

• Several people were invited to participate in a team meeting
• A comment was made by one individual in attendance about a family photo used as a computer screen background
• A participant in the meeting interpreted a comment as being inappropriate and chose not to ask a clarifying question in the moment, or discuss it immediately post meeting to understand its intended meaning.

What can we learn from this?

Your perception is just that, your perception. Everyone reading this today perceives the world in different ways. We all have filters which are products of our individual life experiences. Each of our perceptions allow us to interpret what we see and hear in different ways. And that interpretation can lead us to automatically label someone else’s intentions. (#fail)

Then there is the element of confirmation bias. If we have already pre-judged or labeled someone a particular way, in order to avoid cognitive dissonance, we choose to label their intentions in line with our original interpretation. In simpler terms, one becomes a mind-reader. Note: I guess I missed this course in school and have no idea what anyone’s true intentions are when they share anything with me. I can only hypothesize and honestly, I am likely wrong most of the time because I am human (#flawed). Would asking them directly be too uncomfortable? How difficult would it be to ask “what did you mean by that” or “could you clarify that comment for me”? Perhaps the elements of fear and uncertainty are keeping you silent in the moment; certainly something which we have all experienced at one time or another.

What happened to the simple idea of assuming positive intent? Or, is positive intent only reserved for those with whom we share a common background? Assuming positive intent takes discipline and patience, yet can help prevent downstream issues.

We’ve also become very quick to blame and judge, often once we gather only one or two pieces of basic information . You find out a person is a Republican, a Trump supporter. You find out they are opposed to Brexit, and pro-immigration. Maybe these statements triggered you, maybe they didn’t.

The point is that we seem to be a culture seeking to be offended, and we spend (not invest) a disproportionate amount of our time and energy explaining why “I am right,” why "you are wrong," and what was actually meant by a comment or statement. Instead of addressing concerns directly, we choose the easier option which only serves to further exacerbate the issue.

However, we each possess the capability to address these difficult situations in the moment.

So Now What?

●       Ask yourself. What is the root cause of your perceived offence?

●       Ask yourself. What could you do to better understand what happened in the moment?

●       Ask yourself. Is it possible that you have a blind spot or bias that is affecting your perception and judgement of the situation?

●       Complete the following sentence, and contract with yourself to execute your commitment. “Next time a situation like this occurs, I will (insert your specific action here)."

We invite you to take a moment and consider what we have shared. Perhaps something similar has happened to you and / or your team, feel free to comment below and / or share any lessons from your experience.

If any of the above offended you, you’re welcome.

Best wishes for the week ahead.

Martin & Jerry

#EOC #Mindset #Leadership #accountability #offended #fear #teamwork #personalgrowth #diversity #inclusion #opinions