Perceiving Communication vs Receiving Communication

Have you ever prepared for an important meeting? Researched, took notes, crafted a well-thought-out outline of everything you wanted to say, and felt good about the impending outcome of the meeting. You show up with a smile, looking forward to engaging in a meaningful discussion and sorting through that outline you spent an hour putting together the day before.

Richard Nordquist defines listening as an "active process of receiving and responding (and sometimes unspoken) messages."

Poet Alice Duer Miller described listening as "taking a vigorous, human interest in what is being told us."

Then, as the meeting progresses, you've only been able to get through one of those bullet points on your outline and realize you won't be able to discuss all of your topics because the meeting took a disruptive turn.

After the meeting, you sit in disbelief as you process what happened. You did the prep work, you had an outline, you had the points you wanted to discuss, and still, you couldn't communicate your thoughts effectively nor get the desired outcome you were achieving.

Do you think this sounds familiar to you? Has this happened to you? We all have been there at some point in our professional careers. But let's delver further. You go up to one of your colleagues in the meeting and ask them how they thought the meeting went, and they instantly reply, "Great!" And you're in shock.

How do you and this colleague have two separate takeaways from the meeting?

Dana Cavalea describes this common occurrence with two simple words: Perception and Choice.

To get more specific, scholars Kate Barasz and Tami Kim, infers that it is choice perception - inferences that are made by the observer about the others' choice which then leads the observer to make an erroneous conclusion.

The scholars note that these misperceptions occur due to interpersonal and cue-perception errors.

Do you have a friend who is the ultimate chatterbox? They love to talk, but they also need help staying on topic. Do they see a squirrel every five minutes? But because you're friends, you've learned to adapt and communicate with them, and your perception of them is positive.

Keep that in mind as we begin to dissect this meeting.

You came prepared with an agenda and an outline and were ready to discuss the topic. However, you noticed that your colleagues did not come in with an agenda or an outline. A few were even on their phones for the majority of the duration of the meeting. Every time someone spoke, another would interrupt and interject. And every time you spoke, you felt you weren't heard due to the constant reiteration of points and falling into endless rabbit holes. Silently, you were frustrated.

That is why you were shocked to hear that your colleague had a completely different experience of the meeting.

Perception is decisive in how we perceive and receive communication in all forms.

Let's look at the most common form of choice perception - email communication.

I received an email a few days ago that I initially perceived as rude. However, after taking a few minutes and returning to re-read it, I didn't take it as rude upon the second read. How did my initial perception of the email change? I had to realize the true intention of the message and then understand that I had a choice to perceive it one way or another. I chose to perceive it not as rude but as direct, and I'm grateful I did. I was then able to respond to the email professionally and politely.

Written communication is often, at times, the hardest to decipher someone's tone, and that is why we let our perception decide the true intent of the sender's intention. If you are this way based on past interactions, that perception will guide how I communicate with you moving forward.

Remember that friend, the chatterbox? Let's say you have another friend, and this one is straightforward. Even through text messages, they only say a few words and are often quite to the point. If your friend sent you a similar email, you wouldn't perceive it as rude, would you? Because your perception of them has shifted since you know this is how they communicate.

Circling back to that meeting, what was the outcome? Three business items were voted on, reports were given, and everything on the agenda was discussed. Sounds like a successful meeting, right? Then why didn't you perceive it that way? Is it because not everyone else in that meeting took it as seriously as you? Not everyone else prepared for the meeting the night before? How you think about the meeting affects your judgment when deciding whether it was successful.

What happens next is that you'll let that meeting influence your perception of how your colleagues communicate and conduct themselves in meetings. This will then shape your interactions and how you communicate with them. And one can only speculate that there'll be a conflict of some kind because of this now-cemented perception.

Setting clear parameters surrounding meetings is best to avoid this and any impending conflict. Are phones allowed? Can someone only speak when recognized? Are there time constraints? Having some procedures for running meetings will help you and your colleagues avoid falling into choice perception. Cue perceptions are the most silently and often most disruptive forms of frustration builders. Because if someone else doesn't pick up on social cues, especially in terms of communication - intentional or not, we'll judge them harshly. The same can be said about written communication. If someone doesn't respond with a complete sentence and proper punctuation, our cue perception will tell us they're upset with us or simply rude.

A good rule of thumb to remember - not everyone communicates the same way you do.

Always take a second before responding to an email. Come back to it. Ask yourself the true purpose of this email and then reply to that only. We get emotional when we feel we're being attacked, but most of the time, how someone communicates has nothing to do with us.

Perceptions shape how we interpret messages, nonverbal cues, and written communication. How we perceive something can significantly affect our interactions with others.

So be more cognizant of your choice perception, and the next time you're in a meeting - don't hyperfocus on what everyone else isn't doing that is similar to you. Focus on the objectives and goals of the meeting, and you'll have a much better experience.