PEr Chronicles: When was the last time change hit your life?

Ariana Grande‘s latest hit "We Can't Be Friends" debuted at the top of the Billboard Hot 100. She says the song’s video is about “toxic” patterns. A toxic friendship often feels exhausting, frustrating, and disappointing and can undoubtedly take a toll on your well-being.

People are not always loving and loyal. Things don’t always go according to plan.

We get married, make vows, and then get divorced. Not according to plan. We have children, hope they are healthy, bring them up properly, but then we get into an argument with them, and we become estranged. Not how we planned it. We start a business, but it goes bankrupt. An infinite number of pursuits in life don’t go according to plan.

Change is disorienting. We really struggle with change, especially change we did not choose. We fear it, and we mistakenly believe we can control it. Stuck thinking turns a problem into a disaster. The harder we work to “solve” a problem, the bigger it becomes. It’s like when your car is stuck in the mud and you press harder on the accelerator. The more the wheels accelerate, the deeper in your sink.

Life is not always fair.

Why were you laid off and not your colleague? How is it that someone who smokes lives to almost 100 while his neighbour, who always lived a healthy lifestyle, went to the gym three times a week and ate his vegetables, came down with an unknown virus while on holiday and passed away at the age of 36? That’s hardly fair. Yet a fight against the unfairness of life is often a losing battle.

This is the part of the appeal of fairy tales. The good guys always win. Little Red Riding Hood beats the Big Bad Wolf and Snow White is kissed awake (at least in the Disney version). Our religions, too, offer stories that help maintain the illusion of fairness. If you do the right thing, you’ll go to heaven.

But fate can torment us. Suddenly. Cruelly. Viciously. Unpredictably. Uncertainly is a big part of being human.

Sometimes, it’s best not to persevere, but to let go. We always talk about letting go of the past; an old grudge, a regret, a love story, or a moment that is now gone. Occasionally, we’ll talk about letting go of something in the present, perhaps a source of stress. Especially when it comes to relationships, we tend to hold firm to notions of how the other person “should be”. Hardest pill I swallowed was realizing I meant nothing to people that meant a lot to me.

Acceptance helps; accepting that pain is an unavoidable part of life; that’s it, full stop. No matter how hard we work or how much we try to do the right thing, we may struggle to find a nourishing romantic relationship or a career we love. All we have complete control over is our own attitude.

Whether you’re building or rethinking your career, forging new relationships or simply feeling unsure about what to do next, the more you can identify what really matters and let go of the rest, the more you’re to lean into the future with hope rather than fear.

The punchline is: my experiences validated my belief that keeping your options open and being flexible enough to roll with the punches is key to surviving in flux. As water holds the shape of its container, at ease with its temporary state of being, holding the future gently is how you embrace – and thrive. Sometimes, life will kick you around, but sooner or later, you realize you’re not just a survivor. You’re a warrior, and you’re stronger than anything life throws your way.