PEr Chronicles: Have you felt like giving up lately?

10% of the world's population is now under quarantine. All because of someone's lunch in Wuhan. 

Life was good.

I don't know anyone who has been handed only roses. We all encounter traumatic experiences. Some we see coming; others take us by surprise. It can be as tragic as the sudden death of a child; as heartbreaking as a relationship that unravels, or as disappointing as a dream that goes unfulfilled. The question is: When these things happen, what do we do next? 

And so began the rest of my life. It was a life I never would have chosen, a life I was completely unprepared for. The unimaginable.

We cannot put up with something just because the person doing it is our father, mother, brother, spouse or boss. We cannot tolerate everything. We cannot tolerate psychological abuse.

Fear is the mother of all negative emotions. Fear of aging...of rejection...of losing all that you have built...or (fill in the blank) can play intermittently in your head, degrading freedom. Throughout history, people have consistently tried to gain power, personal and professional, by instilling fear in others. Sad to say, it's a ploy that predictably works.

One of the worst after effects of psychological abuse is the feeling of guilt. The ruthless abuser (whether it's parent, partner or boss) doesn't care in the slightest about your suffering, and also knows that by blaming you, they are multiplying the devastating effects of their toxicity. Everything, absolutely every bad thing that happens is the fault of the victim; the abuser manage to construct the most outlandish arguments when there is no argument to be made. Another of the changes that an abuser seeks in their victim is to create insecurity. Sometimes during the most vulnerable times of your life, people made you believe that you weren't capable, that you couldn't do things, that you didn't know how to, and that you were worthless. They ignored you, overlooked your achievements and punished you and that has wrecked havoc with your self-esteem. Likewise the abuser will isolate you, little by little, subtly, discreetly from your environment. Your abuser won't like your friends, your activities or your interests. They will absorb you with their aches and pains and needs and before you realise it, you will have already fallen into their trap.

To know something that I hadn't known before meant I could never "unknow" it and somehow this struck me very forcefully. In my mind I was in free fall, tumbling into an unimaginable place. Terrified in a way that I had never before experienced, the magnitude of my helplessness suddenly hit home. The reality of the rest of my life was in that reflection and I just didn't know how I was going to go on.

Will God ever answer my prayer? Have you ever asked that question? Is there one special matter you have been praying about for a long time, with no apparent answer in sight? Do you need a financial miracle in your life? Do you want a loved one to return for a reconciliation? Is there someone you love, who is at death's door? Are there times when you wonder if the answer will ever come? 

All kinds of weird thoughts and dreams would flash in what little sleep I could get and throughout the fractured night I would try to focus on the next day. 

I thought: If I can get out of this, I will never take anything for granted ever again. 

Traumatic though it was, I had to confront the reality of my changing life. I knew there was no going back and I was going to have to be as mentally tough as I could possibly be. I had to adapt and accept. 

You might be struck by an illness or a sudden change in circumstances and find yourself getting through the days by dealing with the practicalities, but if your mind is only focused on hoping things will get better or denying the inevitable outcome, you will soon hit a brick wall. When I realised the extent and severity of what had happened; realising I couldn't go any lower, I decided the only way to regain any sort of life was to turn my back on that darkness and move towards the light. I've had to learn a very different way of living and everything I do is about adapting. 

There is no point dwelling on what might or could have been. The past has happened and cannot be changed; it can only be accepted. Life is much simpler when you always look at what you can do, not what you can't do.

I was aware that even at this deepest dark moment of my life, I could find things funny, drawing my strength from those around me. This has taught me so much - that with the love and care of others, whoever they are, you can face darkness and look through to the other side. It made me realise even more how much the support of others was imperative to my fragile life.

To extend friendship, to sustain others during dark times, is the very best of human nature. It is the endless, bottomless emotional support we give - during their dark days, that will get them through.