Not A Peppy Neurodivergent, Or Am I?

Let's see if you can relate to this...

I love what were always considered to be my 'quirks', also known as my freaking personality. I love that when I'm talking about my special interests I can become quite animated and passionate. I love that I, at my core, am funny and pull pretty expressive faces when I'm doing so. I love my creativity, the way I think outside the box; love to make people feel included and seen and my ability to bang out a huge project in a short period of time. I love what are seen to be my 'strengths'.

What I also love though is my hyper empathy, my bluntness; the way that I see and experience things as a matter of fact and it makes me deeply uncomfortable pretending otherwise.

I love that I speak openly about my healing journey and how I experience life in a self indulgent form of release for speaking my truth - it just happens to be helpful to others.

One of the most challenging things about the 'coming out' of neurodivergent experience over social media platforms is that it's opened up so many different boxes. Not just that of becoming aware of potential neurodivergence in those who haven't been diagnosed, or those who have been diagnosed but felt misunderstood and unseen.

From my eyes, it has also turned into another 'social media high school dynamic'. The very same way that it has done for mental health.

Let me explain from how I have experienced it.

When a topic like mental health or neurodivergent experience pops up in the mainstream through social media or media itself, at first it can feel like you're finally seen, understood and accepted.

It feels good for a little while, until it becomes a trend.

The positive swings on everything and the 'this is why we are valuable to business/society' can become addictive; problematic; personally speaking, they send me hurtling back into high school, trying to prove all of the reasons I am good enough.

When I AM GOOD ENOUGH, irrespective of any positive swings or perceived productivity.

I see a lot of posts on equality, inclusivity and diversity yet often can be left feeling like 'when does this include me; my experience?'.

I'm so passionate about self awareness, self regulation and self advocacy because I've spend a lot of time healing and growing and learning to take what is out in the world with a pinch of salt.

I've had bullying experiences here on LinkedIn from huge creators who play out the mental health advocate in the feed and communicate wildly differently in the DMs; this in turn has led me to make snap judgements out of personal psychological safety to decide whether I want to communicate with someone or not.

If I don't understand why someone is talking to me and the way they communicate leaves me feeling uneasy, I will likely disconnect.

I don't always get it right, but have had to learn that I can only be held responsible for my mental health, physical health. Prioritising being too nice, or too accomodating at the expense of my own sense of personal safety can trigger me to overthink, get anxiety and in turn become caught in a web of self sabotage, negative thinking and loss of energy in worrying about what other people think about me.

The tricky balance in this is to try and take action from a place of personal responsibility.

I was conditioned into the victim mentality.

When something went wrong, or feelings were hurt, there were no apologies, the blame would be shifted onto someone or something else - often me.

Common in adult children of alcoholics, I've lived a life that has left me with the task of unlearning codependency and victim mentality.

The way out of this is a long road, not an easy one, for myself it's involved having to become extra patient with myself and compassionate with myself and watching out for where my desire to be liked overtakes my personal needs.

In terms of psychological safety on the likes of LinkedIn, not all of my unfollows and disconnects have been from people that are actually mean - it has meant unfollowing or disconnecting from people on LinkedIn that I like and respect - but their content leaves me triggered or I'm worrying about what they think of me.

That's ok!

It is not something wrong with them. It's how I'm receiving them and the healthiest thing for me to do is to take out the stressor and when I'm ready - acknowledging what is being triggered in myself, so I can support myself out of shame, judgement and learned helplessness and into inner power again.

Experiencing negative emotions around social media , especially for us super sensitive neurodivergent folks, is something that we can benefit from, in a weird way - if we listen to what we need over our desire to be liked or seen as important.

How many times have you written out a post and then pulled it because you thought it was too negative, or not enough people liked it?

How often have you felt like your voice and experience doesn't matter because you're saying the same thing as an uber popular person on LinkedIn but getting a polarised response to theirs?

The most fruitful period of healing for me is when I can speak openly and truthfully; especially as someone who spends a lot of time alone.

When I'm feeling sketchy around social media and know it's not that I need space from it but the courage to speak my truth and show up, I know that I need to get in and take space to check in with myself, my intentions and what I need.

Quite often, it's that I need to really talk to someone, in person - to co-regulate - to share in true vulnerability what I don't want to share on social media. I need to journal out what I'm really thinking and feeling and look at where it's coming from, with compassion, so I can choose a course of action that helps me to feel better, at peace, confident in myself and my abilities.

As a former, frequent oversharer and emotional leaker, I much prefer sharing content from a place that doesn't leave me feeling anxious or in doubt and that requires me being super aware of my needs so I can fulfil them.

When I feel like I'm holding back or trying to find the positive to please people, instead of sharing the message I want to - I can turn those feelings inward and experience them as chronic pain, fatigue or insomnia. I'm not someone who has these things long term, as I've devoted my entire life, more or less, to taking care of myself in a way that allows me to not have to live with them.

On the other side of the coin, due to emotional addictions and responses which are born out of negative past experience, I frequently need to take my beliefs and habits out for examination to check if they are rooted in my present experience or if they are, in fact, an association that needs to be broken.

Paradox, right?!

As a form of unmasking, it's a lifelong journey and needs to be met with a tonne of self compassion and opening up to being willing to be supported while doing so.

This is my Everest.

Right now, I am working out the kinks in my beliefs, thoughts and habits surrounding connection and finances; using my voice even if I face kickback.

It requires being more selfish - something we are all too often encouraged not to be.

Right now, if we're to start seeing changes in the overall health and wellbeing of, well, everyone - it's going to require giving up the addiction to being liked, passive and pleasing to instead creating positive change through modelling what it looks like to really take care of, love and respect yourself.

When you model this, you give other people permission to do the same.

(Permission, in that, as humans we're seeking connection and acceptance as a social species)

I am not an autistic, ADHD, OCD, cPTSD or mental health advocate but a self advocate. I can only accurately speak for myself and my experience. All I know is that I feel trapped when I feel like I have to put a positive spin on every single thing. I feel trapped when I feel like I'm apologising for my experience. I quite frankly don't want to just show up and celebrate 1 dimension of my being, I am whole and that whole likes to fuck off the filter.

My closing thought is, don't be afraid to curate your feed. Don't be afraid to take action to protect your own mental health. Practice becoming inquisitive instead of judging and rationalising your feelings and intuition. Allow yourself to be your number one priority and get up and close to your real needs and desires.

It's time to put you first.

Did any of this resonate with you? Let me know!

Amanda