To People Who Want to Get Over Disappointment… but Can’t Get Started

Disappointment is a strange emotion, tucked somewhere between anger and sadness.

It’s the feeling you’ve been let down, or didn’t get an opportunity you thought you deserved, or had your dreams crushed into a gazillion pieces.

The basis for disappointment arises from your expectations.

If they’re unrealistic or too high, you may start strong then fizzle, and fail. The destructive self-talk takes over and disappointment becomes your companion.

But on the flip side, as Benjamin Franklin said, “Blessed is he that expects nothing for he shall never be disappointed.”

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather suffer from disappointment than kick back and not take any chances.

And I like to turn my negatives into positives.

When I was in elementary school, I looked forward to fifth grade.

That was the year the class got to put on a musical, and our production was Carousel.

It was also the last year of elementary school because going to sixth grade meant middle school.

But most importantly, it was the year we got to participate in the spelling bee.

Mr. West gave us a pop spelling quiz every week. I never missed a word.

“I’m going to win the school spelling bee,” I announced. “Then I’ll win the district spelling bee, and then the state spelling bee!”

“Let’s get through the first one,” my mom said.

“But I want to win.”

“I know you do. Just take it one spelling bee at a time.”

The day finally arrived. I put on my favorite dress and watched the clock.

All the fifth graders gathered on the auditorium stage after lunch. I listened to the instructions carefully.

“We will give you a word. You must say the word out loud before spelling it and again after spelling it. You can ask that we use it in a sentence.”

Round one was easy, but it sent a lot of my classmates off the stage.

Round two. Still easy. More kids were eliminated.

It continued until there were three of us left: me, Camille, and Dana.

We were all on our game that day. In fact, the bell rang, and school was out, but we were still going.

Our teachers decided to continue the next morning in our classroom.

My mom was a volunteer at the school, and we walked home together.

“Mrs. Beckstead told me she’s never seen a spelling bee like this before,” she said. “They’ve always had a winner before school ended for the day.”

My fear was that they would run out of words.

“How’d you do, kiddo?” my dad asked.

“I have to wait until tomorrow to win.”

The next day, we started first thing.

Round after round, we kept spelling.

“Joanne, your word is chrysanthemum.”

“Chrysanthemum,” I said. “C -H-Y…” I thought I was going to die. “No, it’s “C-H-R-Y-S-A-N-T-H-E-M-U-M.”

“I’m sorry, you made a mistake.”

I ran back to my desk and put my head down and cried.

I lost.

I was ashamed.

After all, the chrysanthemum is my mom’s family crest.

This was the first major disappointment I can remember. Unfortunately, there were more to follow, and I know there are more to come.

It’s scary to go after a big dream. Those niggling doubts linger in the back of your mind, daring you to give up because you might fail.

And yes, you might fail.

When something doesn’t work out the way you want, go ahead.

Cry.

Scream.

Take it out on a punching bag.

Let yourself feel whatever emotion bubbles up and acknowledge your disappointment.

Then when you’re ready, take a deep breath, and look up.

Finding good and valuable takeaways from your disappointment isn’t easy. It involves reframing what happened, but with a positive outlook.

First, be painfully honest about why you feel the way you do. Begin by asking yourself two questions: Why did I want it? and, Why am I disappointed that I didn’t get it?

It doesn’t matter if your answers sound selfish because want is usually self-serving.

What you’re trying to get is clarity about your expectations and your emotional turmoil. You may discover that what you thought you wanted isn’t what you really want. Or that you can modify your goal and it’s within reach.

Second, remind yourself of what went right. It’s easier to wallow in the negative and beat yourself up because you’re already down. This may take a lot of effort because you think everything went wrong.

But even tiny wins are a step in the right direction. Why? Because you’re starting to see positives. And once you get those good vibes going, your outlook gets brighter. It could be as simple as you learned something new or met a person you’d never engage with otherwise.

Third, dream again. Know what you’re going after next. This time, start with the questions of why you want it and why you’ll be disappointed if you don’t achieve it.

I find that answering these questions first makes the letdown easier if I’m not successful. I don’t know if it’s because I think I know how I’ll feel and am prepared, but it works for me.

Take to heart what Beverly Sills once said: “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.”

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About Joanne Hirase-Stacey: I am a freelance copywriter who has faced disappointment several times and overcome it. And I still put that darn Y before the R when I spell “chrysanthemum.” Connect with me on LinkedIn or visit my website at www.jhstacey.com.

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