People want to feel like they're solving their own problems : a story

Had a misstep a few months ago.?

I called a friend to quickly catch up after two years of not staying in touch.?

We ended up talking for 2+ hours about her goals and vision, trials and tribulations of her company, and how I might be able to help with a time and money investment. We clicked and agreed that we should keep the conversation going.?

This is where I messed up:

I sent her a rough business plan and timeline on how she could reach her goal, and how I might be able to help.?

Nothing formal, no asks, no commitment, no sales pitch– not trying to sell her my services (I am, but in a different, long-term partnership-type way). I truly saw an avenue to help her, and she’d get needed money (and time) from me for her pursuit.

But it’s been radio silence since.

My hypothesis is I CAME OFF TOO STRONG– that wasn’t the right next-step to make.?

This bums me out because it has potential to be mutually beneficial in many ways.

This is her idea and I need to help her be and feel in control.?

How I could've handled it differently:

1. Let the relationship warm back up, play an infinite game

2. Ask “how could I be helpful to you?”?

3. Get buy-in – she never asked me to write a business plan, I just assumed it would be helpful (then dumped my proposed vision onto her)?

Asking "how can I be helpful" is tricky for 4 reasons:

1. people often don’t know other people's skills-- it's can be helpful when somebody suggests HOW they can help (mental offload)
2. often unclear what all needs to be done to reach the goal
3. some people don't want to impose (especially as I'm not an employee). Can be helpful to relieve them of having to ask you to do something
4. when a subordinate has a problem, the standard advice for them is to bring a proposed solution when getting help

But I misread the situation-- it's her creative endeavor, and she wants to own it. I messed up when I made it my project and started driving it.?

Think the moral here is people want to feel like they solved their own problem even if you did the object-level and emotional work behind the scenes to solve the actual problem and make them feel like they solved it.