People pleasing for doctors.

Are you a people pleaser?

As a recovering people pleaser, this topic is near and dear to my heart.

I coach a lot of people, and I notice that people-pleasing comes together with 2 "friends": perfectionism and procrastination.

I call them the 3 P's.

If you are a people pleaser, you probably know that about yourself.

You tend to say "yes" when asked to do something, even when you don't want to.

You say yes because you don't want to offend the other person or make them feel hurt, unsupported, or think less of you.

People pleasing also shows up when you tell people things that aren't true about them to people-please them.

Why do we do that?

The typical response is, "I want to be nice," or "This is just who I am."

And also, you want to stop people-pleasing, so let's unpack it.

The core of people pleasing is an attempt to control other people's thoughts and feelings.

You want to influence how they think and feel about you.

People pleasing doesn't feel good because it's inauthentic.

You are not being truthful with your opinion, words, or commitments, and that's why it feels off.

But we justify it in our head as the "nice" thing to do, so we keep doing it.

The cultural pressure to please people is strong too.

So you live in this cycle of lying: to yourself and others.

The truth is - people feel that you are not being authentic and doing them a favor.

And by the law of reciprocity, they feel obligated to return a favor.

And that doesn't feel good at all.

Think about the last time you were people pleased.

Picture this situation.

You are going on a vacation to the city where your friends live.

You tell them you are coming and they offer that you stay at their home.

You politely refused, but they are insisting.

You don't want to be rude or confrontational, so you finally agree.

This is not what you want.

You want to stay at the hotel and meet them for a drink, dinner, or hang out, but you people please and say yes.

Now they pick you up at the airport and take you to their house.

You are uncomfortable the whole weekend.

You want your space.

You don't like their cats.

You want your own schedule, your own freedom, and your own rules, but you've been people pleased into staying at their house.

You are finally on the airplane going home on Sunday night, and you need a vacation from that vacation.

A year later, these friends are in your town visiting.

And you feel obligated to invite them to your house even though you hate that idea!

But you feel obligated to be "nice" and offer a stay at your place.

You see, the cycle of people pleasing doesn't benefit anyone, but we are so afraid to break it because we think people will think negative things about us.

Here is the truth, my friend.

You can not make anyone feel anything.

Believe me, I've tried. I really have.

But emotions don't come from actions.

Their emotions come from their thinking.

Just like your emotions come from yours.

Attempting to manipulate their thinking is not only a gamble but also exhausting, time-consuming, and inauthentic.

You think if you don't accept their offer to stay at their house,

They will think you are unfriendly, distant many even argumentative or difficult.

So if you accept their offer against your will but pretend like you want it, they will think something positive about you and themselves.

So you are attempting to control how they will think and feel.

Here is a tip.

Next time you feel a nudge to people please, remember this.

This feeling only pretends to be necessary.

In the end, nobody wins.

People pleasing is lying.

Lying about the truth of what you truly want.

Lying about the truth of who you are.

So even if you end up manipulating people into liking you,

They are not liking you, my friend.

They are liking this person who isn't you because you haven't shown them who you truly are and what you truly want and like.

That's how we create inauthentic relationships that drain us instead of lifting us.

Have the courage to be honest.

This happens when you learn that you can handle any emotion, my friend.

They are just vibrations in your body caused your thoughts.

There is no emotion that you can not feel and be ok.

You were built for this.

Have a beautiful week, my friends!

I'll talk to you next week.

Zhanna