People Pleasing: Dispelling Related Beliefs, Labels and Tendencies

Do you ever refer to yourself as a people pleaser or find yourself engaging in what you believe are people pleasing behaviors? If so, self-identifying or lumping yourself into this category seems to be fairly common these days. Perhaps you came across the phrase “people pleasing” on social media and self-diagnosed or you bought into some well-meaning person labeling you as such. Or maybe you are a part of a personal development community where owning being a people pleaser, rightfully or not, is encouraged.

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Whatever the case is for you personally, you are in the company of countless other people, seemingly self-aware or possibly mistaken, who are riding together on the people pleasing train of disempowerment. The big question is, however, are you a bonafide people pleaser in the truest sense? Or are you merely buying into the latest hype?

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Case in point, just last week I was working with a coaching client who had developed the habit of labeling themselves as a people pleaser. They had even gone as far as to declare that they will always be working on their people pleasing behavior. Wow! Talk about a disempowering mindset and a negative thing to accept as an unchangeable fact of life for themselves.

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Straight away we set about putting that limiting belief, negative label, and self-sabotaging behavior pertaining to people pleasing under the microscope. In doing so, some rather interesting things came to light:

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Were they actually a people pleaser? No. Were they doomed to always engage in people pleasing behavior? No. They didn’t start off or go through life people pleasing plus what they were considering to be chronic people pleasing tendencies was simply being a decent human being. Where did they get the idea they were a people pleaser? Within the self-help community they belong, they are surrounded by people who proudly wear the people pleaser label like a badge of honor. After several years in this environment, it was easy to go from sometimes sipping to actually drinking the kool-aid until they wisely decided to dump that stuff down the drain. But this is them…

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What about you? Perhaps you still identify with the concept of being a people pleaser or maybe you’re a tad bit uncertain after reading the real life example above. To help you gain greater clarity for yourself, I’m sharing helpful insights regarding people pleasing as well as important tips that you can use to empower yourself should you find yourself engaging in people pleasing behavior.

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People Pleasing Insights

• People pleasing is generally defined as feeling compelled or having a strong and persistent urge to please others at the expense of your well-being and quality of life.
• From a psychological perspective, people pleasing is not an official mental health disorder nor is it a behavior or personality trait that is measured to make a clinical diagnosis.
• The phrase “people pleaser” is an informal yet all too common label associated with a variety of interpersonal behaviors that are often cobbled together under one banner. This includes everything from being agreeable in order to be liked by others to complying out of fear for your own safety.
• Humans are neurologically wired to strive to be a part of the “in-group”. Going back to the early days of humanity, survival meant being accepted by others and fitting in. In modern times, being helpful, kind, caring and easy to get along with versus being an assh*le goes a long way toward ensuring you are accepted as part of the in-group. However, nowadays, doing the former does not automatically mean that you are a people pleaser.

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Being kind, caring, empathetic, and reasonably helpful is NOT people pleasing behavior. It is called being a decent human being.

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Unhealthy Behaviors Associated with People Pleasing

Some behavioral patterns that distinguish unhealthy and self-sabotaging people pleasing behavior from a typical desire to be liked and fit in include:

• Sacrificing your own needs and desires in an effort to please or gain approval from others.
• Being inauthentic or silencing your thoughts, wants or needs in an effort to come across as agreeable, to avoid conflict, or out of fear of rejection or abandonment.
• Constantly saying yes and going far above and beyond when it comes to giving your time, energy, efforts, expertise, or even money.
• Believing that you have to barter or pay a costly price to be loved by others.
• Over-extending yourself out of worry or fear despite feeling exhausted or secretly resentful.
• Losing your sense of identity or neglecting your physical health, hygiene, mental well-being, career, or relationships due to over-prioritizing someone or everything else over yourself.
• Compromising your values or doing things you are uncomfortable with to try and fit in, to be loved, or to try and keep yourself safe.
• As a trauma response or survival mechanism, fawning / appeasing to gain the approval or affection of someone you fear.

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Tips for Minimizing People Pleasing Behavior

1. Pause and evaluate requests from others. Only say yes to those things that you are genuinely interested in doing and have the time, energy and desire to take on.
2. Become proficient in saying “I’m unable / unavailable to (fill in the blank)” and “I don’t have the current bandwidth to (fill in the blank) but thanks for asking”.
3. Create an “If this happens then I’ll do this” plan to be prepared in advance for situations where people pleasing behavior is triggered.
4. ?Establish limits around what you say yes to and honor boundaries for what you say no to.
5. ?Seek out professional expertise in identifying and resolving the root cause of your people pleasing behavior. This is an area I specialize in and will support you.
6. ?Gain support in effectively communicating your truth, ideas, wants, and needs in a way that others can best receive. I also specialize in this.

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Bringing It All Together

People pleasing is a rather common tendency that you may claim as a personal shortcoming. Whether you engage in people pleasing occasionally or chronically, or you mistakenly claim yourself to be a people pleaser, arming yourself with knowledge to deepen your self-awareness is the first step on the pathway to setting yourself free. Should you find yourself trapped in a pattern of people pleasing behavior that adversely impacts your well-being and quality of life, take comfort in knowing there are a variety of personally supportive actions you can take as well as resources to tap into that will allow you to start living a more empowered and fulfilling life …like you deserve.

Wishing you infinite abundance,

Andrea Choate - Founder, Soul Mechanics Healing

? I support CEO’s, executives, entrepreneurs, and success-minded individuals to thrive in business, relationships and life via my cutting-edge quantum mindset coaching services. This is unique and highly effective inner work with a specialized focus on upgrading your subconscious mind, re-patterning behavior, regulating emotions, and energetically aligning with your goals and desired life outcomes. To access my next available 1:1 coaching opportunity, contact: [email protected] .

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Special Note: This is original and 100% human created content written exclusively by the author and based upon her specialized expertise and real life experience.