People pleasing & avoidance does not make you a good person

People pleasing and avoidance DOES NOT make you a good person.

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I’m not saying it makes you a bad person, of?course, but that behaviour of saying yes when you mean no & then going quiet when you feel uncomfortable, does not MAKE you good.

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You want so badly to be kind, to be liked and to avoid conflict, but sometimes you see conflict where there is none.

Recently I saw a woman walk out of her yoga class at the gym because it was full. The teacher was asking if everyone was actually booked in, which this woman was. Rather than speak up for herself, as a booked participant, she left the studio & went on a cross trainer next to me looking forlorn. I asked her if she was ok. She clearly wasn’t. She’d given up her rightful place on a class she looks forward to all week.

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Why?

Because she sensed conflict & felt awkward, despite being justifiably there. She was almost in tears that people who were not booked had taken HER place. But, SHE ALLOWED THEM TO by walking out before the teacher resolved the issue.

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I see this so often. People who are so desperately uncomfortable with confrontation, giving up their rights & needs prematurely. The people who weren’t booked benefitted directly from her departure. They were in the wrong. She felt like SHE was!

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People who care too much what others think & experience intense discomfort with confrontation, can be too quick to over-give to those who don’t deserve it.?

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I did it for decades. It sucks!

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I often work with women who look after everyone else to their own detriment. Fine if it’s your young children, but when it's distant relatives, adult children, even strangers, that’s no joke!

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During our coaching sessions, a client realised she was even pleasing the car mechanic around when he would service HER car, making it more stressful for herself in the process. Thank goodness she realised!

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We’ve learned to do this for sound reasons, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Over-giving & self-sacrificing is a sure-fire way to lead a life that doesn’t feel like your own. It leads to exhaustion, resentment & eventually burnout.

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Some women default to this behaviour because they don’t really know what THEY want. I spoke to a woman recently who goes along with her husband’s choices, not to please him, but because she hasn’t really figured out what SHE wants, so it’s easier. But then, she feels resentful. Who’s fault is that, really?

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When you have clarity around your wants, needs & purpose – it becomes MUCH EASIER to set boundaries and speak up for yourself.

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Imagine if that woman knew her yoga class was a key factor in her overall wellbeing, happiness & vitality - her quality of life & how she shows up as her best for her family. If she believed HER NEEDS MATTERED, would she have given it up so easily? If she was connected to it's greater PURPOSE for her, I am pretty sure she would have stayed & let the teacher sort it out.

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I hate to say it, but until you get your people pleaser & emotional avoider under control, you run the risk of being the OPPOSITE of what you want to be seen as.

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If people can’t be sure you’re speaking your truth, if you disappear or go quiet when things get tough, eventually they will lack confidence in your words. You will hurt people.

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Being passive & saying things you don’t mean, does NOT make you kind.

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Not to them, & especially not to yourself.

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These traits massively undermine relationships, which is the opposite of what you want.

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If you want to be a good person, the best thing you can do is learn to speak your truth. Then, people know they can really trust you & they can also get the gift of giving to you.

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When your discomfort is so great that you go quiet, disappear or stop responding to someone, you are likely hurting them, or at least inconveniencing them & creating doubt.

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No-one likes being ghosted or not knowing where they stand.

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You want to be a good person & you are, but if these things are impacting how you show up – you WILL be impacting others in a way that I’m pretty sure you don’t want to.

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Maybe your colleagues, your friends & almost certainly the people you love – your family. It's counter-intuitive, I know!

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If you don’t deal with it, and learn how to get comfortable speaking up, you are teaching your kids to live that way too. Do you want your daughter sacrificing HER NEEDS for someone who made her feel uncomfortable? I mean, REALLY?!

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It doesn’t have to be hard, but it is LIFE CHANGING!

I'm Nicky. I help women find their confidence, their purpose, their needs & their boundaries.

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