People Pleaser: Empty myself to fill myself up with you.

by Scott Frazier, MSC/CC CMHC

In our society, there is a prevalent behavior known as people-pleasing or codependency, which entails constantly prioritizing the needs and desires of others above one's own. While on the surface, this might appear as a selfless and admirable trait, it often comes at a great cost to the individual engaging in this behavior. People-pleasing can lead to a profound emptiness within oneself as their own needs and desires go unfulfilled, all while one tirelessly strives to meet the needs and expectations of others.

?One must recognize the underlying psychology behind this behavior to understand the detrimental impact of people-pleasing. Those who constantly seek to please others often do so to gain a sense of self-worth and validation. By going out of their way to meet the needs and expectations of others, they hope to receive praise and acceptance, which temporarily boosts their self-esteem. However, this external validation becomes a requirement for their overall sense of self-value, creating a never-ending cycle of dependency on others' approval.

?Unfortunately, this need for external validation results in an inner narrative that dismisses one's own needs and desires. The people-pleaser becomes so focused on meeting the expectations and demands of others that they lose touch with their own identity and what truly brings them happiness. Their needs remain unmet and deeply buried beneath the weight of constantly prioritizing the needs of others.

?Furthermore, the pressure to constantly empty their own needs to fill the needs of others only intensifies over time. As the people-pleasers continue to rely on external validation for their self-worth, they become increasingly afraid of disappointing or upsetting others. Consequently, they find themselves trapped in a pattern of sacrificing their well-being to maintain a harmonious environment for those around them.

?However, the inherent problem with people-pleasing is that it is an unsustainable and unfulfilling life strategy. By neglecting their own needs, the people-pleasers only perpetuate a cycle of emptiness and discontentment within themselves. It is an unfortunate paradox that the more they strive to please others, the more they lose touch with their desires and emotions. They become disconnected from their authentic self and lose sight of what truly brings them joy and fulfillment.

?Fortunately, there is hope for those caught in the web of people-pleasing. It starts with recognizing the importance of self-care and self-compassion. People-pleasers must acknowledge that their own needs and desires are just as important as anyone else's. They need to permit themselves to prioritize their Individual needs well-being and happiness without guilt or fear of disappointing others. ?Additionally, learning to set healthy boundaries is crucial in breaking the cycle of people-pleasing. To communicate their boundaries and limitations, without feeling obligated to meet the needs and expectations of others constantly. By setting clear boundaries, people-pleasers can regain a sense of control over their own lives and start making choices that are in alignment with their values and desires.

?In conclusion, people-pleasing may seem like a noble and selfless behavior, but it ultimately leads to emptiness and dissatisfaction within oneself. Constantly prioritizing the needs and expectations of others erodes one's sense of self-worth and leaves their own needs unfulfilled. However, by seeking out professionals who can help identify or improve self-care, self-compassion, and setting healthy boundaries, individuals can break free from the shackles of people-pleasing and regain control over their own lives. Challenging and overcoming codependency or people pleasing can lead to truly finding fulfillment and leading a life authentic to their desires and values.?