The People Pleaser

 “Care about what other people think, and you will always be their prisoner” - Lao Tzu

Have you heard of the ‘Magnetic Hill’ phenomenon in the Indian province of Ladakh? There is a certain stretch of road on the Srinagar-Leh highway that appears to be going uphill. If you close your ignition on your car while on this uphill road, it will strangely start moving forward, instead of backward (downhill). This strange road defies gravity, but in reality is an optical illusion! The landscapes surrounding the road are sloped in such a way that the road appears to be going uphill. In fact, many magnetic hills all around the world defy logic.

A reflection of life. Reality is sadly, different from perception.

Let me explain with a story.

There was once a wise man who had constant complainers coming to him. One of them said that he was tired of making others happy, but still kept doing it. The wise man, listened day in and day out, with a gentle smile on his face.

One day, he told the man a joke and the man roared with laughter. The next day, he told him the same joke, and the man laughed a little. The day after he repeated the same joke, and the man smiled in respect. Finally, after a week of listening to the same joke, the man’s patience gave in and he could not laugh anymore.

The wise man smiled and said, “You can’t laugh at the same joke again and again, can you. So why do you insist on crying over the same problem? You are tired of making people happy, because you are unhappy. Change your story. You will change the consequences”.

One of the greatest upheavals in life is caused by just one emotion. Fear.

Both fear of the known and unknown. Our lives run with an undercurrent of fearful thoughts such as fear of rejection, loneliness, status and so on. These very fears breed into our sense of lack of control and downright helplessness. And this fuels certain needless decisions, that might not achieve what we want and create far-reaching ripples of havoc across different lives.

The fear is in our heads. The reality is far deeper and different. Yet we need to “feel safe.” And we continue on this path, creating chaos for ourselves and others.

Now I am not going to dwell too much here, or else this blog will never end. But today I want to touch upon a common fear many of us suffer from and succumb to. In fact, it has been termed as a disease without a clinical terminology, even though it borderlines personality disorders. It causes chronic stress, which can lead to a myriad of ailments. What am I referring to?

The ‘people pleasing’ syndrome.

The nameless disease that has plagued thousands, without most of them even knowing it. We may suffer from it in different doses, but many have trodden down this downhill path. And seeing a mirage of paradise on earth, keep lingering on, with a false sense of hope.

It is said people pleasers run on one dire need. A need to gain approval or appreciation from others. Usually this need to please, stems from the core of low self-worth or lack of confidence. People try and find their resounding sense of self from others, as they go out of their way to help them in order to feel better about themselves. In their terminology, they are being “nice” and “good”, but this is just a dark shadow over the truth. They need validation for what they do. So bending over backwards, to get that, is almost an act of desperation. A sad state of affairs. 

Psychologists say that our behavior may be characterized by the stimulants we want in life. Extroverts need more caffeine as stimulants than an introvert, for example. The people-pleaser runs on an adrenaline rush for a unique stimulant - Unbelievably, the subconscious need to be controlled by others. 

In a strange mental game that plays out, they seek approval through yessing their way to insanity. They let others take advantage of them, manipulate them and use them as they wait passively for approval. Often, they are belittled, abused, pressured, hurt and run over.

This so called “control attachment” as they long for others to appreciate them and grant them their self-worth, almost like an addiction. However, in their own minds, they are just being nice beings, though they are sabotaging their own needs for others.

What they call love, is nothing but opening themselves up to mere physical and emotional abuse. What they call control, is nothing but being an object for a bully. 

And do you know what the saddest part is? No one respects them for their niceness. It is seen as being naive and the trait of the weak. What is the use for all the sacrifices, if it is not seen in its purity.

To me, people-pleasers have a little confusion about boundaries. They dwindle on the plains of the extreme ends of the scale.

I feel life is about winning the balance marathon at every moment. Any tipping of the scale, and you will be dealing with strange consequences. Learning the fine lines between the positive and negative, is a lifelong learning. But you have to first be open to it. 

That is why I want to make one thing clear here. This blog is for both sides of the spectrum. The Victims (or the people pleasers) and the Bullies (or the ones that take advantage of them). You know who you are. If you are grateful for being helped by the ones who go out of their way for you, then there is some saving grace. But to take their sacrifices as your birthright, makes you nothing more than a bully. And to me, such characters are no more than empty shells with masks. You have a lot of soul searching to do, to really understand what your purpose is.

Using others mercilessly to get what you want, is a narcissistic tendency that will eventually leave you lonely, empty and unfulfilled. And no medicine or wealth factor can cure that illness.You have a bigger responsibility than the weak ones who please you. You enable them. You make them feel worthless and subservient to your needs. It's really not worth living life like this. Think about it. 

To the weak people pleasers, looking for affection and just not having the strength to be who you are, its time you woke up for yourself. Allow yourself some relief. Give yourself some of “your time” too. Some tips to help you recover from this pleasing illness.

·       Personal Project. Do you have one?

Question. If I told you that you had only one month to live, what would you want to leave behind as a token to yourself? What is that one thing you really wanted to take time out to do? Your very own personal project to make some ripples of change in this world. Is it writing a book, joining a charity, planting trees or touring the world? Whatever it is. Ask yourself and the answer will come.

Take baby steps and firstly, write it down somewhere. Slowly expand it as a vision board, with pictures and points that you work on daily, to try to make your thoughts a reality. Ask for help with the ones who genuinely care, and take out time from your day for it. You will steer your ship gradually towards your own goals. Start talking about it with others, and soon you will find out that many you had time for, won't have time to hear you out or maybe even help. It will hurt to feel rejected. You will feel a sense of betrayal. Wipe your tears. Carry on anyway. Before you know it, you will be creating something that you had suppressed for so long. Start today. Take out that piece of paper and write down your life’s personal project. If you like, you can share it in the comments box below in the blog. You are being listened to. There is space for your dreams too. 

·       Choice. Choice. Choice.

The usual excuse for people pleasers? “ I had no choice”. Its easier to say yes, than stand up for yourself. If saying no is not easy, try and buy yourself time. Procrastinate on your reply and take time to reply. There is no rush. Once you determine that you could be using that time on other priorities, it will be easier to wriggle out of it. 

• Love yourself again. You are perfect as you are. 

I read something wise somewhere. Rivers do not drink their own water. Plants don't eat their own fruit. Likewise we need each other to grow ourselves. Reach out to the ones who genuinely care for you. Seek help and comfort. You were not given life to constantly give away your energy to others. Find your support group and have a healthy balance of help, support and care instead of a one- sided leeching away. You will feel happier and lighter about yourself. 

• Authenticity is your passport to recovery.

Stop trying to be someone you are not. Even if you become the one people want you to be, it will come with a high price to pay - The death of you. You are unique and have a valuable contribution to make in this world, that no one can. It is meant for only you. Don't live life based on others feelings and dreams for you. You have your own. Respect them. Be true to them. Start pleasing your own dreams and aspirations. You are worthy too. Write that down somewhere and read it to yourself day and night. “I am worthy of love and respect”. Good changes will start happening. You will see.

• Control tower of happiness.

With self-acceptance, comes another bigger responsibility to yourself. Your happiness. When you set on the path of recovery, you will feel the old trigger, pulling you to go back to the old ways of pleasing others. Almost like an addiction. In order to hold yourself back, understand that there are other sources of happiness and peace, than just placing yourself out in the open for others. This does not mean that you stop helping the ones in need. It only means to understand the boundaries of truly helping or being used. Create your own happiness and understand, that the only one with the remote is you yourself. You are in charge of your control tower of happiness. No one else gets that position in your life but you. Think about it.  

This new path will be difficult, but that is where your adventure will begin. This is where you begin befriending your best friend. You, yourself. Reminds me of a poem by Erin Hanson which I read recently and want to share with you. Read it again and again and think about how finding yourself is the best gift you can give yourself.

The moment that you’ve been knocked down,

is the moment that it counts,

and the moment that you’ve lost yourself,

is the moment that you’re found,

you can see the world much clearer,

when your eyes are filled with tears,

the only way to not be afraid,

is to learn to face your fears,

you’re not really afraid of the dark,

you’re afraid of a lack of light,

and it’s a fear of falling,

when you say you’re scared of heights,

the only reason you know you’re sad,

is because you’ve been happy before,

you may say the world’s an ugly place,

but you’re only seeing the view from your door.

This beautiful special life was not given to you to chase mirages of happiness. You do not need anyone’s approval to feel good enough. Despite all your efforts, whenever, you are rejected, mistreated, belittled, judged or abandoned by others, it hardly shows anything about you. It shows more about their own insecurities, small heart, limited mindset and short sightedness. So hold your heart firm, and dust off the memories.

Stand up. Breathe. Simply start again.

Life will now not be the same again. It will not be easy, but it will get better. I assure you. You will see rejection. You will no longer be friends with certain people. Many of your “close ones” will abandon you and you will endure betrayal at its most extreme. But you will have the most precious gift given to you. Your self-respect and esteem. The friends and family who do stay with you in this new story are your true support group. Cherish them. They are a blessing. And if there isn’t any, you will eventually find the ones who will do.

The mirage is no more. The ‘people pleaser’ has to be slayed. See the world as it is. Do not let anyone take advantage of your good nature. Heal yourself from the people pleasing sickness and transform your life, before “you let” others kill the “real you”. There will never be a better time. This world is waiting for the real you to shine. The door is open. The stage is set. Hands are raised, ready to applaud you. Just take the first step. Change your life story today.

Remember, You always had the power inside. You just have to find it yourself. And ceasing to be the People Pleaser.