People Don’t Grab What You Say, They Grab What They Want to Hear

Recently, I had an eye-opening experience that highlighted a common challenge in communication: the gap between what we intend to convey and what others actually take away from our message.

I had a chat with one of my colleagues about an availability issue. I made a point to express that while I appreciated their external engagements, my primary focus was on ensuring that they could meet our project expectations. I added that if there were any challenges or obstacles that could impact their ability to deliver, it was important to share them sooner rather than later.

However, I later realized that my message had been interpreted differently. My colleague came away with the impression that I was asking them to avoid any external engagements altogether. This discrepancy got me thinking about how people often filter communication through their own lenses, shaped by personal experiences, priorities, and biases.

Why Does This Happen?

People naturally filter information based on their interests, needs, and existing beliefs. This filtering process can cause them to focus on parts of the message that resonate with them while ignoring or misinterpreting the rest. It’s not that they don’t hear us—it’s that they hear what aligns with their own perspective.

Ensuring Alignment in Communication

To bridge this gap, it’s crucial to take steps to ensure that both parties are on the same page:

1. Clarify Expectations: Before concluding any dialogue, ask questions to confirm understanding. Phrases like, "Can you summarize what you’ve understood from our discussion?" can be invaluable.
2. Encourage Open Dialogue: Foster an environment where team members feel comfortable sharing their interpretations and asking for clarification. This reduces the risk of assumptions and miscommunication.
3. Use Multiple Channels: Sometimes, repeating your message in different ways—verbally, in writing, through visual aids—can help reinforce the key points and ensure they’re received as intended.
4. Be Open to Feedback: Invite feedback on your communication style. If someone interprets your message differently than intended, it’s an opportunity to refine how you convey your ideas.

What If the Counterpart Isn’t Open?

Even with the best communication strategies, there are times when the other party isn’t open to receiving the message as intended. When faced with resistance or a closed mindset:

• Seek to Understand: Try to understand their perspective and why they might be resistant. This can provide insights into how to approach the conversation differently.
• Adjust Your Approach: Tailor your communication to meet them where they are. Sometimes, shifting the focus to align with their interests can open up new avenues for dialogue.
• Know When to Pause: If you encounter persistent resistance, it might be worth pausing the conversation and revisiting it later. Time and space can often shift perspectives and open the door to a more productive discussion.

Communication is as much about listening and adapting as it is about speaking. My recent experience reminded me that even with the best intentions, messages can be misunderstood if they aren’t aligned with the listener's perspective. By being mindful of how our messages are received and making efforts to ensure alignment, we can bridge the gap between intention and understanding. However, it’s also important to recognize when the other party’s perspective might need time to evolve—and to be patient with the process.

How do you ensure your communication is understood as intended? What strategies have worked for you in similar situations? Let’s discuss in the comments!