People Don’t Feel As Bad As You Think When You Say “No”

Welcome to Inclusion Is Leadership, a biweekly infusion of insights, research, and guidance to create inclusive workplaces. Created by Ruchika Tulshyan, inclusive leadership advisor, founder of Candour, author of Inclusion On Purpose , and creator of the LinkedIn Learning course: Moving DEI from Intention to Impact .

We’ve all been there. After a hard day (or week, or month), all you want to do is to climb under a soft blanket, turn on your favorite trash TV, and give your brain a break. Suddenly, a text comes through. It’s a friend, inviting you to dinner.?

What do you do??

It’s a tough decision. If we decline, will our friend be hurt? Will it harm the relationship? Will they turn us down the next time we want some company? On the other hand, a social outing when we’re already feeling burned out can push us toward the edge. When situations like this happen, it can feel like making a choice between a relationship and our own wellbeing. Those are high stakes! And below, I also explore why “no” is more fraught for those of us with historically-underestimated identities.?

If you’ve ever felt like this, I have good news for you. New research from Julian Givi , PhD at West Virginia University and Colleen P. Kirk , DPS at New York Institute of Technology has found that we often overestimate the social consequences of saying no.?

We overestimate how upset others will be?

So, how many of you have accepted a social invitation because you were concerned about the consequences of declining? Me too, and so did 77% of people who were surveyed. So the researchers conducted five experiments, mimicking common social situations, to see if those fears were founded. In one example, participants were asked to imagine being either the inviter or the invitee in a couple of different situations (like an invitation to go see an exhibit at a local museum). The participants who were given the invitation were told to imagine they declined because they’d had an active day and wanted to relax at home. The participants who imagined giving the invitation were told their friend declined for the same reason.?

The participants who imagined turning down their friend’s invitation often believed it would ? negatively impact their relationship. They were much more likely to say that their friend would feel angry, disappointed, or unlikely to invite them to attend future events than the participants who were imagining being rejected. A scenario for couples had similar results. People consistently overestimated how upset someone would be when they decline an invitation, even if they have a longstanding, close relationship.

So we can all feel free to start turning down plans when we’re not feeling it, right??

Easier said than done.

“No” can be complicated

For many people, especially those of us who have been conditioned to be people pleasers, turning down plans can be difficult. Prioritizing the needs or wants of others above our own wellbeing has been ingrained in many of us, whether it stems from our upbringing, a trauma response, or social conditioning. Women, people of color, LGBTQ people, and others from historically marginalized communities are especially prone to feeling like they always have to say yes (for good reason, because of facing bias and only rewarded for always prioritizing others’ needs.)? And, often those of us who are the first, few or the only may feel the pressure to positively represent an entire community or group of people. Others may want to avoid being stereotyped, so they default to being agreeable, even at the expense of their own health.?

It’s a complicated tightrope to walk, and caution isn’t ill-advised. I want to acknowledge that social invitations, including work gatherings, are often higher stakes for us.? As a woman of color, I can’t always decline an invitation without career or social ramifications.?

But I’m trying to commit to listening to myself more this year. When I feel the pressure, I feel that anxiety, and - if I feel safe to do so - choose to say no anyway.?

You are worth the risk

I don’t think it will surprise any of you to hear that burnout continues to be on the rise. In 2023, 62% of workers reported experiencing it, and that prolonged stress does a number on our physical and mental health. Unfortunately, the treatment for burnout is doing what many of us fear: less.?

It may not seem like declining a happy hour invitation will do much, but think about it in the long term. Every time you prioritize your own wellbeing, you begin to create a habit. When you create new habits, you start to change your neural pathways as new parts of the brain are used. Your brain can literally start to rewire itself with a simple change of mindset. Over time, you’ll get better and better at saying no, at caring for yourself, at seeing the value in your own wellbeing.?

So next time your body tells you to decline, allow yourself to do it. Odds are that the other person won’t feel as bad as you think they will.?

Thank you for joining me for another edition of Inclusion is Leadership. Don't forget to subscribe!?

Want to learn more? Check out my website , and please consider joining over 290,000 people who have taken my LinkedIn Learning course: Moving DEI from Intention to Impact .