People don't fake depression - they fake being okay. I did.

“People don't fake depression. They fake being okay. Be Kind.”

―?Abhysheq Shukla,?Feelings Undefined: The Charm of the Unsaid Vol. 1

Let me take you back to June 9, 2015. After 1 year in my career as a Staffing Consultant, I had just completed my first shift in a new business unit catering to public-sector clients. I was stoked. It was a big role, working with big clients and was something I had coveted for the months leading up to this day.

On my way home, my wife Grace Pabian called (hands-free) and asked if I could pick up dinner. Sure, no problem. We disconnected and I continued my trip, turning down a busy road I didn't normally take. I approached a pedestrian light - the green/yellow/red light that only goes red if you hit the button - at the speed limit, which on this road was 60kmh.

Traffic travelling opposite to me was backed up - they were headed towards a freeway, and as it was rush hour, traffic was gridlocked. In my direction, towards the downtown core, I and the car behind me were the only vehicles for 500m in either direction. Little did I know, my life would change in the next moment and the months that followed.

The oncoming traffic had left a gap at the intersection, as is both courtesy and law. Not all cars fully cleared the intersection, so the passage from my left to right was narrow, as were the sightlines. Traffic moving from my left to right only had a stop sign.

Next thing I know, a full sized pickup's passenger door was making contact with my Kia Soul's bumper. At 60km/h.

Anyone that's ever had a full airbag curtain deploy knows it's disorienting. I'm not sure if I blacked out, but I certainly didn't know that my car was still moving towards a house on the corner adjacent to the intersection. Luckily the curb prevented me from driving into the lawn.

The other driver was not so lucky. The pickup went through a fence, struck the house and its gas meter, and bounced into the neighbor's front yard, only coming to a rest after the truck became high-centered on a large but fluffy tree.

Nobody was seriously injured at the time. In the weeks that followed, I was misdiagnosed as not having a concussion. Fast-forward to a sales meeting we had in July. It probably lasted 30 minutes. I retained nothing. I asked questions I should know the answer to. I kept quiet, which is usually hard for me. Something was off, but what's worse, I had felt this way for weeks.

I was in a new unit. I was responsible for 60+ employees. My clients were counting on me, and so was my team.

After the meeting, I told my manager that something was off. I was becoming concerned that I might have post-concussion symptoms. I didn't want to take time away from work, and wasn't sure how to proceed. We had work to do. Maybe I could take a day off and bounce back. The manager thanked me for my transparency and I went back to my desk.

10 minutes later, my Senior HRBP called. I instantly started to panic - did I post one too many memes on social media? Was I being moved into another unit? Was I in trouble?

I answered - she immediately explained that I was on leave effective immediately. She'll email me the details, but I was done for that day. It was time for me to take time to recover.

I felt like a failure. I had let my team down. It was also terrifying to know that I would now be a burden to my unit partner, and to the branch. My candidates wouldn't be able to get follow-ups. Interviews would need to be cancelled. I had failed. I couldn't drive home for about 20 minutes. I was crying too hard, and could barely breathe, let alone see.

It is only because my manager had the strength to do what was right - immediate business needs be damned - and take care of me when I couldn't take care of myself. While I was on leave, I leaned in to the recovery. Through talking to my family doctor and getting 2nd, 3rd and yes, 4th opinions - we determined that I wasn't recovering and I was sleeping for 14 hours a day due to an unrelated sleep condition - my body was trying to heal, but the sleep was not restful.

I was able to tackle the mental health strain - the stress of work, of feelings of failure, of a legitimate Traumatic Brain Injury (yes, concussions are absolutely a TBI), anxiety, strain on my marriage, and other things that were both related and unrelated to my accident. All because someone recognized that I was not myself, and took action.

So this Bell Let's Talk day, take a moment to reflect. Have those around you been acting differently? Has their performance changed? Does someone that is usually the center of attention become withdrawn? Are introverts in your life acting in a manner that just isn't them?

Remember - being a friend doesn't mean trying to solve their problems. Just listen. Finally, know where you can turn if someone in your life needs help.

They might not recognize they need help, or if they do, might not have the courage to take action without support from a friend.

I know that I didn't. But I'm glad someone in my life did.

With special thanks to Brent Dul , my manager at the time.

If you or someone you know is struggling, call 811 in Alberta for resources and support. If there is an immediate risk of harm to the person or others, call 911.

#bellletstalk #cmha #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth