People don't change but you can.

The idea that people don’t change is often thrown around and used as “evidence” or confirmation when people talk about a situation that played out with a certain inevitability… “Well he was always like that” or “Well just look at his history”, or “She could never stick with anything”. It’s easy to identify someone’s habits and character over a period of time and then confirm that of course they did this or that, cause people don’t change. The sad thing is this not totally untrue, in fact a lot of the time it is true. On the micro and the macro our humanity is riddled with the debris of failed attempts to change. You need look no farther than the discarded list of new years resolutions or the drop off on gym attendance come the third week of January. “I want to do this” or “I am planning to do that” is followed by a short runway of exerted effort and resolve that quickly dissipates into “life”. The ever present tide of “life” is the slow killer of change. It is always there, always working, always waiting, always watching. It has been there since day one and it does not take a day off. How can you compete with that? We have some habits thought patterns and perceptions that were running like a well-oiled machine before we could write down a legible sentence or even tie our own shoes. It’s no surprise that people don’t change when in reality they are often chipping ice shavings off the tip of an iceberg only to have them freeze back on as soon as they are let go. How many people aren’t able to turn “it” around, the job, the addiction, the toxic relationship, the laziness, the abuse… a lot more than we care to admit. And we needn’t look any farther than ourselves, I have been quitting biting my nails for over twenty-two years, what gives?!

So sure, people don’t change, it’s hard to argue with that in the face of the reality that we live in every single day. You probably know yourself better than you would like to admit, and you can feel how deeply some things are rooted so that despite your best efforts the damn weeds keep coming back. “But I quite smoking”! or “I did stop biting my nails!” good! We are getting too that. I am not saying it is an absolute, but we just need to understand the shear inertia behind people’s inability to change which results in the almost cliché use of that very term. I don’t like it, and I don’t think it’s helpful but that is the context which we are all coming from. We are all in the current, we are all in the gravitational pull, it’s in our very DNA. At a very primal level change is danger, danger is death. Change equals don’t do it!!

Got it, ok so that’s what were up against, that’s why people don’t change. So what now? Are we doomed?”, “Is it futile to try?” Nope. In fact it is just the opposite. It is crucial to try, and not just to try, but to actually do it, to succeed, to summit the mountain, to chop off our metaphorical deadwood and to sprout new branches full of life and hope and growth. Because “people” might not change, but “Persons” do. And there is a difference. You are not a people you are a person. You are not the collective you are the individual.

It is true that we are fighting against a deep current of personal and biological history but once we are aware of that we can change the game and we can change ourselves. It is never time to give in or give up and there is always a next best step.

“What is the step? How do I swim against the current? I have always failed to change!”

Hang in there kid, these are good questions, and these are the right questions, so let's get after them.

Step one is to make it personal, as I said above you are not a people you are a person, there might be some liabilities that come with that but there are plenty of advantages as well. You have the gift of consciousness, which means you can think, and know you are thinking, you can act and know you are acting, you can watch yourself living. Let me repeat that, you can watch yourself living. This is a fact, this sets us apart from every other creature on earth and it is our greatest asset. And it is our ticket up and out. It is our key to change, it is the starting line for the rest of your life. You can observe yourself in real time. It can take some time for this to sink in but it has profound ramifications if we use it. When we battle with things on a physical level, an emotional level and even a rational level we tend to loose to the inertia of the past. But when we step out of the current, that is when we have freedom. That is when we can choose differently, that is when we can make change.

I do not mean this in a metaphysical, or philosophical type of way. We were created with “free will” a term which garners much discussion and many connotations that I will not address here, but simply put it is our greatest gift, and not to sit on a shelf but to be used, and to be exercised.

Even despite all the rubble of human history and maybe your personal history of failure to change this gift is enough, more than enough, to set you free. You see, on a much deeper level this game of life is already “rigged” in our favour. It is set up for us to win. But we still have to choose it. This doesn’t negate the struggle but it does help us to navigate it.

And, this is the point where I am probably starting to loose some people…. “How does this deep stuff actually help?” or “That sounds nice but I still can’t get out of bed in the morning” or “Well I am still depressed” or “Well my free will is broken, so I am out.”.

Hang in there, stay in the game, it’s not easy to start exercising our will but it is possible.

I want to finish off with two things. The first is a very practical very actionable daily step that you can use to exercise your free will and slowly gain more freedom. This has been an invaluable tool to me and it has allowed me to pass through some very stuck places. You might role your eyes and dismiss it, but mindfulness meditation is the name of the game. Start small, start really small, but give it a try for two weeks. Even three minutes a day, you will be bad at it guaranteed, but it can allow you to start stepping out of the “current” and making choices that are not tainted by the inertia of your past. It can give you the chance to act from values rather than impulses. And it is very much scalable, this is something you can grow. I will leave it at that, I recommend using an app to start such as Headspace, Ten Percent Happier, or the Calm app.

Ok the second thing. The second thing is to make things easier! Yes, make things easier not harder. Don’t do ten do one! Make it so easy that you knock it out of the park! This how you change the inertia, this how you ride the waves, this how you chip down the whole iceberg! This is the biggest truth about real change, it must be small and consistent. Yes, dream big, yes have lofty goals, but don’t leave it at that. Daily, even hourly actions repeated over time will win the battle. Don’t make it harder than it has to be, you would be surprised how much you are beating up on yourself and you are making things worse rather than better, there is no energy for beating up on yourself, for yanking on your own chain. That is exhausting and futile. That is why people do not change. But you are not people, you are a person, you are a person with dignity and free will, a person who can choose the next small step again and again. So, go slow, and go small, and don’t be afraid to be specific either! Sure, people might not change but you are not people, you are you and you have everything you need. What will you change?

Yours in the gravitational pull,

Ben

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