People Are Not Their Behaviors

“People's actions make sense when viewed through the lens of their behavior patterns, values, intentions, and motives.” – Hemant Lawanghare

?? People Are Not Their Behaviors: “Accept the Person, Change the Behavior”

In my previous articles, we explored "The Map is Not the Territory" and "Respecting Each Person's Model of the World." Today, I want to share my journey with another powerful NLP presupposition: “People Are Not Their Behaviors.”

This concept reminds us that a person’s identity is not defined by their actions. Behavior can be changed without altering who someone fundamentally is. It encourages compassion by separating the person from their actions, fostering understanding and empathy. The key message here is simple yet profound: “Accept the Person, Change the Behavior.”

?? A Personal Journey: Learning the Hard Way

There was a time when I judged people solely by their actions. If I liked what they did, I liked them. If not, I distanced myself. It was a simple, narrow way of seeing the world, and it cost me some important relationships.

I remember my former boss—he had a strong, commanding leadership style (a 'D' profile in DiSC behavioral profiling - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=poYP5dQNJl4&t=1s ). At times, I saw his behavior as insensitive, viewing him as controlling. This strained our relationship. Yet, in hindsight, I now see how much he contributed to my professional growth. My inability to separate his behavior from his true self clouded my judgment.

Another tough lesson came from a close friend. He displayed emotional vulnerability, which I mistook for weakness. I judged him, thinking he wouldn’t make it in life and drifted away. Over time, I realized I had not only lost a friend but a genuinely good person.

These experiences taught me that people are like the moon—phases come and go, but their core remains the same. Behaviors are just temporary moments; people are so much more than their actions.

?? How I Apply This in Coaching

Creating a Non-Judgmental Space: In coaching, this principle helps me create a safe environment for clients. Many arrive feeling ashamed of their actions. By separating them from their behaviors, I help them explore the reasons behind their actions without judgment. This allows space for growth and healing.

Facilitating Behavioral Change: When a client is not working on the agreed action plan, instead of labelling the client as “lazy” or “unmotivated,” I recognize it as a behavior either born from deeper or circumstantial issues. This approach lets me address the root causes and coach my client toward constructive change.

Emotional Healing: One client felt ashamed after arguing with her partner. I helped her see that her behavior didn’t define her. By exploring her emotional triggers, we worked together on healthier ways to handle future conflicts. Her identity wasn’t in question—only the behavior she wanted to change.

?? How You Can Apply This in Your Life

Forgiveness and Healing: When someone hurts you, understanding that people are like mirrors reflecting their current circumstances can help you forgive. By recognizing that their behavior stems from stress, trauma, or emotional states, you can separate the person from the action, leading to healing.

Self-Compassion: We often judge ourselves for past mistakes. Realizing that your actions don’t define who you are, promotes self-compassion. Rather than wallowing in self-criticism, you can learn and grow from your actions.

Conflict Resolution: Workplace conflicts often arise from negative behaviors like poor communication. By understanding that people are not their behaviors, you can focus on resolving the causes of the behavior, rather than holding grudges.

Leadership Development: A good leader knows that an employee’s mistake doesn’t define their potential. By focusing on the reasons behind the behavior and offering guidance, you can foster growth and improvement in your team members.

?? The Essence: Embrace the Person, Guide the Behavior

By understanding that people are not their behaviors, we foster a more compassionate and solution-focused approach in both personal and professional relationships. Like the phases of the moon, behavior is transient, but the person beneath remains constant, worthy of respect and understanding.

Written by – Hemant Lawanghare | https://mastermylifeedu.com/