Is there a penalty for being vulnerable at work?

For two years, Karine Jean-Pierre kept the secret of being a caregiver to her mom. I've been a fan of Karine since she joined the Biden administration. She took on the role of Press Secretary, a very demanding role that requires skill and devotion. You've got to look the part, sound the part, and be ready to tackle challenging questions while being very demure.?

But during that time as Press Secretary, her mom was diagnosed with cancer; her mom asked her not to tell President Biden, but she kept her personal life under wraps from her entire team, carrying the weight of a sick mother she continues to show up every day polished and ready to take on the press corp.

I was in awe when reading this revelation in her essay for Vanity Fair. My eyes started to water at her heavy load while also shouldering the weight of having a public-facing job. Her reasoning for keeping this to herself was the burden of being the "first." Many of us know the pressures that come with being the first in various settings. Karine was the first Black, Haitian immigrant, and openly queer Press Secretary. "I bear a certain responsibility to the communities I represent," she said in her essay.

Karine knew that if she shared the emotional load of being a part-time caregiver with her mom, it would be seen as an excuse. "Society doesn't allow women of color to be vulnerable. When you're a first, you don't get the benefit of the doubt," she said.?

Even our new Captain America, Sam Wilson, shared similar sentiments in the latest Marvel movie. He said, "Because if I'm not on point, I feel like I've let down everyone who is fighting for a seat at that table." Not to spoil too much, but throughout the movie, he struggles with the pressure of being the first human and Black person to have the shield.

At the Black Enterprise Women of Power Summit, I had the opportunity to hear Karine speak about this article and why it was important to share her story as her time at the White House ended. She talked about how Black women have to show up as superhumans, and Valerie Jarrett, who was also a part of the fireside chat discussion, looked at her with empathy and told her she was sorry she didn't feel safe being vulnerable in her experience at the White House.

But Karine's point about being vulnerable and given the space to be emotional as a woman of color is true. From 2022 to 2023, life's lemons had me on my knees, but I decided to be vulnerable about what I was going through. I know what it's like to not say anything at all when your personal life gets complicated, and you are penalized because your work has suffered. The only way I knew how to receive grace was to advocate for myself and my needs because no one would do it for me.

But as Karine shared, it was seen as an excuse even when I was looked in the eye and told that managers understood what I needed during my time for grace. Micromanaging started to begin and I felt penalized. Empathy and compassion have an expiration date.

Although I didn't get the manager-level support I may have wanted from being vulnerable, my coworkers made the difference. I don't regret advocating for myself and giving people the opportunity to show up for me.

I wish more of us felt safe to be vulnerable without worry of being penalized for having real human experiences. We aren't superhuman. We feel, we hurt, we cry, and we tire.?However, having and showing emotions at work as women is a tightrope we walk daily. It's a generational trait passed down from our moms and mentors.

Hiding our emotions isn't just about keeping our business to ourselves; it's also about keeping our colleagues comfortable around us throughout the work day. If policies are changing that we don't agree with, we have to surface act or display expression. It is an extra tax we carry trying to manage our personal lives and show up unbothered at work.

We're in a time where our professional and personal lives are colliding more and more. As chaotic as this year has started, our feelings about what is happening in the world blend in with our feelings about work as our workplaces conform to policies and ideologies that don't match our own beliefs.?Separating the two may become more challenging with each day. All of it presents environments of uncertainty, worry, and frustration, and it's hard to suppress how that feels.?

Being vulnerable and showing emotions goes against what our mothers and mentors taught us. But it's worth the risk if it opens the door to potential support that you need. People don't know how to show up for you if they don't know how to support you. The way they react or extend themselves once you open the door is up to them. Yes, work can be work. But our work suffers when we have too much on our plates. Work is no longer a priority when our families are at risk.