Pearls of wisdom in a pile of manure

The word vulnerable has new meaning to me lately. As we grow up, watch our children and family grow up, it changes who we are. Things go wrong and not as planned. People make choices we don’t understand. As we come to terms with life events we are forced to look inward and make sense of the circumstances and events. We are required to question our own actions and motives. It is uncomfortable. It’s like standing in a pile of manure, it stinks! When we are knee deep in the muck, we are forced to make a choice. We can either stand there ignoring the smell and pretending it isn’t there disassociating and disconnecting. Or, we can choose to look down, acknowledge that it is uncomfortable, it stinks, makes our eyes and take some action by stepping out of it. Then we can make the choice to clean it up and restart things with a clean stall. It takes work to clean up the mess. We have to be vulnerable and willing to get in there and do what needs to be done. As we strip away the layers of muck and mire, more is revealed. Our old habits, beliefs and patterns are brought back up for us to deal with or bury again. It makes us feel vulnerable, overwhelmed and like we are not in control. We literally feel like crap! (Sorry about the poo metaphor but it fits so well!)

At the same time, we can choose to shed everything and clean it up as it is revealed. We can choose to be seen. When a horse sees us, they see up for who we really are. They see us covered in the muck and sawdust, they see us trying to hide our insecurities and not doing a good job of it. They see when our lives are turned upside down. They see us trying to put on a brave face for the world and they don’t buy it. If we just take a moment to get out of our heads and into our bodies and really feel the energy and emotion we become congruent. To a horse this is a lie. They can react to that incongruency just as prey would react to a predator; freeze, flee or flight. However, if we acknowledge what we are really feeling and let ourselves be seen, they will react differently sometimes demonstrating great compassion for their human counterpart.  To truly be seen takes courage. We have to scrape back the muck and see what is under the surface and deal with it. We have to let the world see our hot mess of a self and just say “This is me and how I’m doing today. It’s not pretty but this is where I am.”.  To truly be seen we have to not only let others see us but we have to see ourselves and in the greatest act of compassion there is, we have to accept ourselves. That is the greatest gift of vulnerability. 

In my life I have hidden from the world because I felt like I was never good enough. I felt like a fraud or that I really didn’t know what I was doing. I could stand up in front of a crowd and speak with assured confidence and then melt in a heap of insecurity after it was over. I could teach a yoga class trying to be calm and collected when thoughts about being a bigger size would make me want to run out and crawl under the desk. I would also feel guilty for trying to fool people into believing I was confident but I could never fool a horse. I have found over the last couple of years that I have stayed away from connecting with some of the horses I work with because I didn’t want to allow them to see me. They in turn would not connect with me either. It is human nature to try to fool ourselves into thinking “If only things were different, I would be different.”.  Try as we might, being in a different pile of manure is still being in a pile of manure. The muck is still there. We can try to change the environment or the circumstances like losing weight, moving to a new city, changing schools or jobs but the muck just moves with us growing the longer we ignore it. It takes an act of putting yourself out there and letting the horse and the world see you for whom you really are, muck and all, for things to change. Nothing changes unless we do. 

It has become very clear that I have been standing in that pile of manure for a long time as it is deep and it stinks! It’s time for me to step out of it and strip that stall so I can start over. You will notice less stock photos and more real life pics for this article. I am stripping away the muck and putting myself out there so I can create better relationships and be Ok with the uncomfortable feeling of vulnerability. Today I stand in the arena with a horse and let them see me as I am letting you see, me muck and all. I am yogi strong, open hearted and covered with muck! But this is me today and I begin to accept and love myself as I am today. I challenge you to do the same. Take an honest look at the manure around you and start digging. Let yourself be seen for who you are and be empowered.  In a beautiful tale told long ago, you have to dig deep into the manure because where there is a pile of manure, there has to be beautiful pony somewhere that goes with it. Namaste

Blair McKissock is a recreational therapist specializing in nature based learning. She is an author, mother, speaker, yogi and experiential geek. To learn more about upcoming workshops and clinics, visit her at www.stridestosuccess.com.