Peace in the Middle of the Storm

Happy Women’s History Month!

I have been blessedly surrounded by amazing women my entire life. My upbringing included my maternal great-grandmothers, grandmothers, mother, sister, aunts, godmothers and many more. My Grandmom Ruby and Grandma (Elizabeth) seamlessly exuded warmth, softness, and strength. They were fun, funny, loving, prayerful, and caring women who also didn’t take no mess. I am forever grateful that I was chosen to benefit from their presence. So, shout out to the women that inspire us to be.

So, on a separate note – anyone else considering moving out of ‘Merica? Although Sanctuary Soul is not a political platform, Audre Lorde famously said, “caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare.” And thus, it seems many in our society would like to return to the 1800s, and care less about preserving justice, equity, and human life, and more about preserving oppressive ideals that limit the rights and freedom of many of us.

So, as an act of self-preservation, I’m thinking about moving. Until that time, we must create peace in the midst of the storm and allow the storm to pass or we figure out a way to make it move.

For some of us, the storms are less systemic and more personal, and many of us may feel like the storms never stop coming. However, although we may be unable to control the storms, the one thing we have control over is our behavior in the storm.

Anyone who has attended an AA or NA meeting knows the Serenity Prayer in which we ask for serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. Within this prayer, is the key to having peace as you experience storms.

Acceptance: Many of us struggle with acceptance because we confuse it with agreement. Accepting something has happened or is happening does not mean we agree with it, it simply means we acknowledge or recognize it to be so.

Whether we accept something or not, is not going to change that it is. In fact, failure to accept it is an act of defiance that results in increased stress and is simply fruitless.

The time and energy spent fighting is time away from engaging in behavior that actually helps us to move forward instead of staying stuck. Practice saying, “I accept what is, so I can move toward what will be.”

Change: Doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome is insanity.

Shift from thinking “why do these things keep happening to me” to thinking “what can I make happen?” What changes can I make to produce a different outcome?

Our loved ones mean well when they tell us that we’re not the problem. But if we are being honest, sometimes we are in fact the problem. Thus, engaging in self-reflection to understand what about us is attracting chaos or storms and then making the necessary changes not only gives us direction but contributes to peace.

Wisdom: The ability to apply the knowledge we have is a skill. Although it may seem like a no brainer, our humanness can sometimes impede our ability to exercise wisdom.

For example, during heightened states of emotion, which we are often in during storms, our logic is clouded. Intense emotions can essentially short-circuit our brains. Additionally, our physiology is impacted, and our nervous system is activated, which can even impact our ability to think or even move.

Thus, it is important to practice self-regulation skills regularly so it comes naturally when we need it most. Once we can regulate (in my Warren G voice), we can better access information and apply it wisely.

Regulating can include counting backwards from 10, taking deep breaths, going for a walk, engaging in a brief distraction, or even meditating. I also recommend holding ice cubes in your hands because it provides a nice shock to the system!

One of my favorite lines in the Bible is found after the semicolon in Psalms 34:14. It reads “seek peace, and pursue it.” Therefore, we must work to have peace. It does not just come to us – we seek it out.

I encourage you to engage in this very work. Because the peace you find will be worth it.

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Dr. Ebony White is a counselor, advocate, activist, speaker, trainer, researcher, and mental health expert. The Founder & CEO of Sikhona Sanctuary LLC and The Center for MARCUS, she has devoted her career to supporting under-resourced, underserved, culturally rich and immensely capable individuals, families, and communities. Her varied personal experiences, extensive education, and expertise in research and practice have uniquely positioned her to counsel, teach, and train in ways that lead to transformation in the lives of individuals, communities, and organizations.

Dr. Ebony’s impact reaches across the globe. As an expert in her field, she has supported local and national organizations including the NJ FBI, National League of Nursing, and the Center for Health Care Strategies (CHCS), and has been quoted in numerous news outlets including Newsweek, Medium, the Philadelphia Inquirer, PopSugar and the New York Times. She has been a repeated guest expert on CBS News in Philadelphia, FOX 29 News, and was featured on TVC News Nigeria. Furthermore, she has facilitated trauma work in Haiti, provided training to leaders in the healthcare system in Nigeria, and created a mental health course for students in Ghana.

Dr. Ebony has published several articles in peer-reviewed journals and appears in the advocacy focused video from Alexander Street Press titled Helping Counselors and Psychologists as Advocates and Activists: Strength, Solidarity, Strategy and Sustainability. Dr. Ebony also gave a TEDx talk, titled You Don’t Get to Name Me. Dr. Ebony has received multiple awards including the Community Service Award from the NJ State Federation of Colored Women’s Clubs and the Carver Youth and Family Center, the Dr. Judy Lewis Counselor for Social Justice Award from the American Counseling Association (ACA), and the Award for Outstanding Service and Advocacy to the Profession of Counseling from the North Atlantic Region of ACA.

Currently, Dr. Ebony is the Past President of Counselors for Social Justice, a national organization, and was appointed to the ACA Anti-Racism Commission. More important than her educational achievements and awards are her identities as a daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, cousin, friend, godmother, and niece. She lives by Ubuntu, “I am because we are, and because we are, I am.” Learn more about Dr. Ebony at https://www.drebonywhite.com.