The Pattern

For me, during therapy, it was beyond difficult when the pattern began to take form.

To this day, it will start with one of the team feeling close to the front, which is really hard to explain to somebody who doesn’t have dissociative identity. I guess you could try to think of it as having a random memory that's pressing on you throughout the day. Except that memory is linked to a whole host of memories that have been subdivided based on the context and due to something that you cannot really pinpoint.

So, once one of them is near the front persistently for a few days or a week, usually the nightmares will begin. And the nightmares are very rarely just nightmares, they are typically memories that have come back. They are linked to the alter in question and, from what I understand, it is a memory the alter has been holding onto. For example, if Sylvester were to come to the front, and the nightmares were to begin, they would almost certainly be about combat, fighting and violence. Not on his end, of course. On the end of Jim. And after that, I’m left with the symptoms that accompany the alter. In the case of Sylvester, it would be the pain in the wrist, the C-PTSD symptoms and then it would have to be dealt with. It's not longer held in the subconscious.?

The problem is that the flashbacks then become more visceral. It becomes very hard to pull yourself back to reality and to put these memories ‘away’ again. Historically these episodes have lasted for weeks but now, I think (with a lot of professional help from therapists and support from my husband) I’ve got them down to about 3 or 4 days. Which is still pretty bad, especially when life demands that you do other things, such as meet up with friends, work and engage in the daily irritants of life. Life is hard enough without all of this.?

But that's the pattern. That's my pattern. I will have an alter be near the front, like a ghost haunting me each day and talking to me, being more vocal.

Then, the nightmares will start, then the alter fades into the background for a while and I will have to deal with the memories that have come back. It’s not fun. And no amount of TikTok alter presentation videos wearing yellow or bunny ears can convince me that this is meant to be fun. They are posing for attention. I, and others with DID are raising awareness and trying to survive.