Paternity leave 4 years later surprising lessons learned

I recently had lunch with a friend and future first-time father, he shared how he wasn’t planning to take full advantage of the paternity benefits his company offered and only use a few days after the birth. I asked “Why?” surprised by his response. “Too much to do at work and what can I help with at home?” he responded. His employer offered a generous amount of time and had a great package for new fathers. This reminded me so vividly of the time I took when my son was born almost four years ago. I started sharing my lessons learned and how I recommend all fathers take the time in hopes he would reconsider.  

Plan and Enjoy the Time

Fitbit offered a great paternity benefit package to all fathers (and domestic partners) and encouraged everyone to take advantage.  At the recommendation of my manager I broke it down into 2 parts - 2 weeks starting a couple of days after my son was born - then the rest of the time as he approached his 1st birthday.  We were fortunate to have both grandmas live nearby wanting to help the 1st-time parents as much as possible in those early days. This allowed both grandma’s time to support us. The two weeks that I was home both grandmas would visit but it was mostly my wife and me.  Once I went back to work both grandmas would visit during the day leaving the evenings & nights for the 3 of us (plus our two Pomeranians).         

• Support one another by giving each other breaks.  To sleep, eat, take a walk, get a workout in, anything that your partner enjoys that gives them some time to themselves.  These breaks might come at odd hours based on your little one’s sleep schedule like a 3 am workout on a Wednesday.         
• Special moments created in the early days as a family bring me great joy.  Quiet middle of the night talks or dinners we would have after we would change, feed and put Santiago back to sleep. I could feel in those moments the bond we had and how it was strengthening as we grew into the roles of Mom and Dad.      
• Time really does fly by.  Almost 4 years later, I can not believe how fast time has gone by.  From crying being the only method of communication to communicating in two languages and walking around the house as if he owns it, “Hey Dad!”     
• During leave with my son, I learned it was ok when a plan doesn’t go according to plan. Embrace and have fun with your child in the first months of fatherhood.  Lots of new neighborhood parks were discovered as a result of a plan gone a-rye. A different degree of time management is learned.   

A New level of Patience & Empathy 

Nothing tests your patience like realizing that your time is no longer your time.  Before my son was born I was a proud father of 2, 4 legged children. I would joke around with my friends with children that I knew exactly what it was like to be a parent raising dogs and having to plan my life around them for over 10 years. I quickly learned it was not the same but some solid training that helped with the adjustment.  I went back to work even more focused, refreshed and with a new look on life. The sun looked and felt different.           

• I learned to slow down, life is not a race. When I returned to work, I noticed that I was not in the same hurry when it came to making decisions. This led to me making even more informed timely decisions.   
• Improved my long term planning structure as I prepared for the success of my team in my absence.  I became a more focused Strategic Thinker.  
• My personal growth as father helped me achieve our goals and improve work-life balance. Everything is going to be all right mentality emerged as a mantra at home and work. 
• Having a greater understanding of what could happen during the day between a parent and a child made me a better partner to my wife.

Parenting is the Ultimate Team Sport 

Having played a lifetime of team sports including football I was no stranger to being on a team and the special bonds that can form. I was an active partner during the pregnancy period.  I went to all the appointments, did all the classes and participated actively learning as much as I could. I wanted to be as informed as possible on what to expect once our son was born from delivery to the first days in the hospital. As the day neared, I thought I had a good idea of what was going to be expected of me. Suddenly, there was all this new equipment to learn how to use and maintain in addition to a new unpredictable schedule that wasn’t covered in the classes. My wife was the captain of this new team and I wanted to be a great teammate.  

• Once I returned to work upon commuting home after I would always tell myself, “Her day may have been harder than mine”.  I would get ready to take-over the “shift” as we called it, giving her the “union break”.                       
• Our bond grew even closer.  We could communicate without even saying a word by simply calling out to each other.  We knew what each of us might need based on what we were doing for our son. During his 2 am feeding we knew our roles and could execute in the moonlight. Giving each other a high five once he was settled in and on his way back to sleep. Being off work allowed me to be present during the middle of the night for both my son and wife when they needed me the most. 

Your Team will be fine and in fact, they will surprise you by rising to the occasion. 

I know several leaders who love their team and don’t want to leave them. Not because they don’t trust them, but because they hate the idea of not being there to support them. This is why they don’t like to take extended time off.  What better way to test what you have built as a leader than by stepping away for a limited time. Upon my return, I appreciated my team even more with a deeper understanding of what they are capable of. I was surprised by how much they could take on. I felt a sense of pride in the structure and culture that the team exemplified while I was away. 

• Appreciating the capability of my team made it easier to turn off work mode once I got home to Santiago.  
• I missed being around the team daily but the time without me helped the team see and reinforce the structure and culture we built.  
• I encouraged my team and others to take time, enjoy and really turn off work mode.  It’s ok to sign-off - in fact, it’s needed to help create a better work-life balance.
• I remember a 1:1 with one of the managers from my team where she mentioned that I was delegating a lot more freely and it led her to do the same as she coached her team.    

*The Pro-Tip that I received and have passed on ever since “Sleep when the Baby Sleeps”.  

**Life is a journey, not a destination, take the time to enjoy every step along the way. Thanks to paternity leave I was fortunate to see my son’s first steps. 

#riospack