Passively hope for help or actively ask for it

An entrepreneur I just met told me about all the well-connected people in her network who had offered to help her but hadn't done so yet. She was frustrated because her business was struggling.?

“Did you actually ask for help?” I asked her.?

“Well…,” she said.

“Because if you don’t make a specific ask, how can they know that you actually need something?” I gently probed.

She realized she needed to go to those people she wanted help from and actually ask.

Has this ever happened to you??

I mean, you need help. You know people who can help you. You may even talk about your cause or challenges you’re facing. And you hope in sharing your pain, people will offer to help. We think that we are asking for help, but we are not clear. Sharing your struggle and hoping someone offers support is not the same as asking for it.?

I have definitely passively hoped for help instead of actively asking. Sometimes I even go into a conversation with a friend or colleague with the intention of asking, but then I get scared they’ll think negatively of me.?

Imagine how this plays out in the workplace.

The consequences of not asking for ask at work include:

• Feeling burnt out because we’re doing all the work by ourselves
• Feeling frustrated because we think no one notices our struggle?
• Feeling resentful toward other people for not offering to help
• Other people think we prefer to do the work alone
• Other people think we don’t want or need their help
• Poorer outcomes because one person can only do so much

Years ago, when I interviewed managers to develop a new communication skills module, the number one skills that managers wanted junior staff to learn: ask for help. At CuriosityBased, we recently interviewed an intern candidate and she asked what advice we would give her as an intern. “Ask for help,” I said.

We are much more likely to achieve our goals when we get help from others, which sometimes requires asking for it. This applies to both work and personal life. Here are examples of me actively asking for help so I can achieve my goals:

• When I was prepping for my TEDx talk, I asked for people to take time to watch me rehearse virtually and give me feedback. I got 70 people who said yes. My talk is way better because of this help.
• I’ve asked for client referrals from friends and acquaintances. Much of my small business is based on word of mouth.
• I’ve asked to stay with friends in their homes so it makes having a vacation more affordable.

A study by OnePoll on behalf of Nutrisystem, found that half of respondents wait until they feel overwhelmed to ask for help, and 13 percent claim they never ask for assistance at all. As a result, 53 percent feel held back from achieving certain goals in their lives.?

Are you holding yourself back from reaching your goals by not asking for help?

Recognizing that asking for help is challenging, my team created a “How to Ask for Help” learning experience. We show people how to use Professor Wayne Baker SMART ask structure.?

As we enter the giving season, try asking for help explicitly when you need it instead of just hoping others will offer.

And I have an ask for help for you: If you know of any leaders who need team building, communication skills, and retreat facilitation for their organizations, please introduce me and CuriosityBased . Just DM me. Thank you!

Time sensitive offer. The CuriosityBased team has put together a special gift for our community: a free, live, and very interactive mini workshop on “How to Ask for Help”? on Thurs, Nov. 7 at 4 pm PST over Zoom. The session will not be recorded. Breakout rooms will allow you to network while you learn. Register here

Relevant links:

All You Have to Do is Ask by Dr. Wayne Baker

“Learning to ask for help strengthens us as a community” (op-ed)

Don’t just give help, ask for it (video)

How to Ask For Help Using the SMART Method (video)

5 Common Mistakes When Asking For Help (video)

I’m Dr. Julie Pham and I founded CuriosityBased to help people practice curiosity in the world, starting in the workplace, because that is where we spend most of our waking hours. Subscribe to the CuriosityBased YouTube channel and to our weekly newsletter for helpful communication and relationship-building tips.